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February 16, 2007 at 10:55AM

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Hey, Y'all, It's J.J.!

That thing you're looking at to the left of these here words? That's the first picture of Jayden James Spears Federline. Or at least the first one that could be distinguished from a snap of a butternut squash wrapped in Huggies. And now that we've been formally introduced via OK! magazine (and BreatheHeavy.com), we have a few words of advice for the little tyke. First of all, pay attention to your older brother. He's learned some street smarts from being repeatedly dropped and left at home with the canine babysitter. Also, when Mommy tries to send you to your first day of school wearing a mini mesh-back that says "Mommy's L'il Pimp" and little Osh Kosh jeans cinched around your lower thigh with a shoestring, don't do it. Wear anything else, even your pajamas if you have to. Oh, and get used to the sight of the vagina from whence you came. You're gonna be seeing a lot of it.

Britney's trying to be a good mom, but she's just not very good at it. She's way better at doing tequila shots and dancing in her bikini, and her minders always told her to play to her strengths.

Usmagazine.com has learned that Spears, 25, checked into the Four Seasons Hotel in Miami around midnight on Monday with her boys, 17-month-old Sean Preston and 5-month-old Jayden James.

“The hotel was full so we put Britney and the children in a two bedroom condo hotel room, which is very residential and like a big city apartment,” a hotel source tells Us.

According to the source, Britney and her boys made the trip solo - minus even a nanny. “Britney called the concierge desk, saying she was not able to shop herself because she had no one to watch the kids, so would a female please go out and buy her a bright-colored bikini,” says the source. “Britney was totally wishing she had help to take care of those kids.”

By Wednesday night, the source says, Spears was feeling so overwhelmed by the kids that even though she had planned originally to stay a week she decided to fly back to Los Angeles on Valentine’s night. “Something happened,” explains the source.

What most likely happened was Britney discovered that a steady diet of Mountain Dew and Taco Bell chalupas makes a baby's shit smell really, really nasty and she learned that no matter how many times she yelled "Poo poo in the terlet, Sean P!" he was just going to squat in the corner behind the flat screen.

Not enough Britney for you? Then go to MidnightFantasyBritneySpears.com and complete your own fantasy for your sweetheart! You can send the Wordsworthian love story to your homegirl, friend with benefits, or even your dog! And Britney thought of very hip and of-the-moment ways to describe your special someone. Do they like texting, hooking up with playas, flexing in the mirror, or gossiping about losers? Brit's got it covered. Oh, and does anyone else notice the resemblance between perfume-shilling Britney and post-nose-job Courtney Love?