According to taped phone calls released in the Michael Jackson trial yesterday, MJ remained an unplucked, shiny, new cherry until age 32, despite his deep desire to join giblets with girls. Because, God knows, if there's any kind of guy that finds it impossible to get laid, it's a multibillionaire superstar musician. Seriously, though. Come on, Michael. Even the roadie for the Bad English cover band at my high school got chicks.
The phone calls were allegedly made to a nine-year-old boy in Utah in 1985 and taped by his family. Because, apparently, when one wants to pour out one's heart and share one's hopes and dreams, it is best done via a series of late-night calls to a Mormon 3rd grader. The court heard the fey, disembodied voice of Michael Jackson discussing his virginity, his intense desire to have sex with a woman (yes, he said "woman"), recalling sharing a big piece of cake (literal? metaphorical?) with a "cute blonde boy" and the fact that he hated his "n—er hair". Oy!
Publicist David Hans Schmidt plans on circulating the tapes and said outside of the courthouse, "There is some dynamite stuff on these tapes. I believe they will demonstrate that Jackson is, or at least was, heterosexual." Allow us to reiterate: virgin at 32, sharing cake with cute little boys, discussing haircare. Very butch, yes. We're convinced.
