In Lieu of Britney Vag, We Bring You Britney Sex Tales

We know that you've come to expect a story featuring Britney's shaven and misbehavin' poon every day, but today we are just unable to deliver. Despite following Brit around with our 1988 Nikon for the better part of last night and repeatedly tempting her with tricks such as, "Hey Britney, I need to blow my nose. Can I borrow your panties for a minute?" she just didn't bite. So all we've got this morning are more chaste tales, like Brit's first husband dishing on sex with Britney and an unholy alliance with Greasy Bear.

Britney's husband of, what?, eight minutes, Jason Alexander, is planning a tell-all about his relationship with the beaver barer. He told Britain's Sun:

All beautiful girls like other girls in some way. All girls are attracted to other girls. She found other girls attractive, yes, but we never did anything about it. Our relationship was about us. We just weren’t together long enough for that to come up really. That’s not to say that I don’t know anything about threesomes.
Paris is a good friend of hers. They both have the same issues. They are both in the spotlight.

Ohmigod, did you hear that? He clearly said that Britney and Paris love a hearty clam dinner. Together. Seriously, that's what he said, right? He said about the book:

It talks about everything. There is no holding back because that’s what people want to know about.
It does feature our sex life. It does feature having sex with her and what that was like.

Now that he's gotten us all worked up, we're gonna be really disappointed when we finally read the book and hear how Britney can't get in the mood unless her favorite stuffed poodle Fifi is perched on the pillow next to her and how her tongue tastes like a day-old Frappuccino.
In other news, Britney has achieved the unthinkable. She has succeeded in sharing her time with the world's only possible downgrade from Kevin Federline, Greasy Bear Brandon Davis. Check out the proof at TMZ and Bricks and Stones. We're guessing Britney really missed Kevin's intoxicating cocktail of stale cigarette smoke and ball sweat.
You know the drill: Britney at MrSkin.com.