Ice Ice Paltrow

Remember the time you heard about the rumored remake of Dirty Dancing that was going to star Ricky Martin and Britney Spears but then it never happened? You thought that was the greatest cinematic missed opportunity in history. Well, you were wrong. That distinction belongs to the never materialized pairing of Gwyneth Paltrow and Vanilla Ice. (OK, so maybe modern-day, golden-showers-loving Ricky and unwashed, Tato Skins-bloated Britney could have surpassed that.)

Back in the early '90s when Gwyneth was still a fresh-faced teenager of marginally famous parentage she was looking to break into moving pictures and was consulting every script possible. But Gwynnie's overprotective father saved her from a fate of made-for-Cinemax movies and phone-sex commercials by forbidding her from starring opposite Vanilla Ice in an "overtly sexual" film. She said of her father's reaction, "One line said something like, 'My phone number is 555 6969.' He closed the script and said, 'Over my dead body!'" We can imagine it now . . .

Vanilla Ice: To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Pip pip.
Vanilla Ice: Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Cheerio old chap. I'm just on holiday from wee Britain.
Vanilla Ice: Dance go rush to the speaker that booms.
Gwyneth Paltrow: I'm not familiar with that line. Is that George Bernard Shaw?
Vanilla Ice: I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom.

At which point Gwyneth would be overcome with passion and lick Ice's face and forget her thespian pretensions and revert to her southern California accent. Sounds more entertaining than Shallow Hal.
Check out Gwynnie's talents at MrSkin.com.