Heather Mills Gets a Smaller Shit Load of Money Than She Hoped; Still a Shit Load

We're pretty sure that if we were lucky enough to make the leap from "educational sex manual" model to the wife of one of the richest musicians alive, our divorce proceedings would end when said musician offered us 83 bucks and a lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni. We're cheap. But Heather Mills has let her divorce proceedings from Paul McCartney drag on for the better part of two years in the hopes of landing $250 mil. The AP gives the full scoop on how the Mucca muckety-muck went down:

Paul McCartney was ordered Monday to pay Heather Mills $48.6 million to settle their divorce.

A document released by the Family Court said the judge awarded Mills a lump sum of $33 million plus the assets she currently holds worth $15.6 million.

"I'm so, so happy with this," Mills told reporters following the closed hearing.

The court also ruled that the couple's 4-year-old daughter Beatrice should receive a "periodical payments order" of $70,000 per annum. On top of that, McCartney will pay for the child's nanny and school fees.

"I'm so glad it's over," Mills said at her impromptu news conference.

"It was an incredible result in the end to secure mine and my daughter's future and that of all the charities that I obviously plan on helping and making a difference with — because you know it has been my life for 20 years," she said.

McCartney left the court without making any statement.

While pleased with the financial settlement, Mills intends to appeal to prevent publication of the details of the settlement for the couple's daughter.

Some might say that she got screwed with the less than $50 million settlement, but we're of the camp that thinks that any number above, say, $5 million is pretty much the same. Heather's probably a little upset that she won't have enough scratch to cover every surface in her home in precious metals, but we're sure that Heather's friends won't even notice that the guest bathroom commode is only 14 karat gold plated instead of pure platinum, but those are the just the little sacrifices she's going to have to make.