Gross Topic of the Day: Heidi Montag’s Orgasms

Some days we just want to watch you suffer. That’s why today is filled with Hannah Montana’s cherries, tales of Jon and Kate, and now Heidi Montag’s sex life. Yay! Maybe if you’re lucky we can scare up a story about Denise Richards’s bowel movements. Anywho, Heidi’s Playboy pics have hit the web (we won’t post ‘em due to our overwhelming fear of men in expensive suits, but you can see them at Hollywood Tuna), and—surprise!—there’s no actual nudity. Maybe, MAYBE, a tiny bit of butt crack, but not really. But the accompanying interview, that shit’s gold. If by “gold” we mean “horribly disgusting piles of upchucked sweet corn.” If you don’t want to know what a wonderful, expert lover Spencer Pratt is, stop reading now. If you do want to know, you’ve got moxie, kid. Spencer conducted the Playboy interview, in which Heidi said:

You know, I was never very sexual before I met you, Spencer. I knew what sex was, but when I met you I entered into a whole new realm of understanding, from fantasy to love. Or to experience a day with 20 or 30 orgasms. Before you, sex was just something that happened. Now it’s something I look forward to every minute of the day . . . it makes me want to try every new thing, doing it all kinds of ways — indoors, outdoors, upside down.

Man, 20 to 30 times a day? How do they find the time? We’d think that famewhoring would take up at least 90% of their day. Maybe that deal they made with the devil included erasing the need for sleep.

Follow us on Twitter and maybe we’ll tell you how many orgasms we have a day. Probably not. But we will definitely tell you how many craps we take a day.