Firecrotch!

Oil heir/professional gadabout/demi-tard Brandon Davis is not just a bloated pretty face–he's also a witty, rapier-sharp talking head when it comes to pop culture musings. Turns out that Lindsay Lohan's movie Just My Luck isn't presently bombing because of poor promotion or a lackluster script. No, the blame should be placed solely on Lohan's vagina, and the freckles that are issued forth from its russet depths.

We hate to say this, but when Mischa Barton dumped Brandon for Cisco Adler, she traded up.

Adding Brandon Davis to our category list under the heading "celebrity" physically hurt us, it really did, but we make sacrifices for you, dear readers. Anyway, the night before last, Brandon Davis and a giggling Paris Hilton were filmed exiting a club, obviously well into their cups. Davis, who inexplicably always looks so clammy that his fleshy neck chills us to our very core, went off on a four minute and thirty second Lindsay Lohan diatrabe. Watch the video here and listen in wonder as Brandon, in a phlegmy voice eerily reminiscent of officer Barbrady from South Park, waxes poetic on such topics as whether or not Wilmer Valderrama is "in a mariachi band", the exact color, shape, and odor of Lohan's genitalia, and the sad fact that Lindsay is "only" worth a "disgusting" and "poor" seven million dollars. Paris is equally vile, snickering mercilessly and egging Davis on with her cell phone. Even the sycophantic paparazzo gasping, "It'th quite a night, huh, Parith? Love you, Parith! Thexthy, Paris!" had to change his tune and spit out a semi-disgusted "JETHUTH, Parith!" after Brandon bleated his all-encompassing summary of Lindsay's nether bits:

"Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch. And she has freckles coming out of her vagina and her clitoris is seven feet long. Go."

Brandon's right about one thing though. We would NOT fuck Lindsay's mom.

Judge Lindsay for yourself. Pics at MrSkin.com.