We here at CelebNewsWire don't have many scruples (we were never very good at that game); if Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's baby was born with Downs Syndrome, a shrunken head on an enlarged body, and both sets of genitalia, we wouldn't hesitate to laugh our asses off. But the one thing we refuse to do is make fun of Mariah Carey. We have stood by her through thick and thin (har har), and now she's going to prove to the rest of you that she's not fat, she's fierce–one ass grab at a time.
Back when Mariah was traipsing around the beach in a teeny bikini and all the other blogs were saying that she looked like a fat cow and was probably having lots of luck with the Britney diet, we said that she had huge, luscious cans. We wanted to bury our face in them. That's how much we love Mariah Carey. She could look like Aretha Franklin and we would still defend her (although there wouldn't be so much face to boob contact at that point). So naturally we are insanely jealous of Page Six today, because they got to fondle Mariah's ass and all we got was a mad hangover from that bottle of Boone's we downed after seeing a bunch of French guys hugging friggin' stuffed penguins. The Sixers ran into our favorite glitterfly at the post-Oscars Vanity Fair party.
"Everyone said I was fat, so I did something about it," slap-happy songbird Mariah Carey blurted to Page Six, seemingly out of nowhere.
"Here! Feel my thighs! Feel my butt!"
After several requests, Page Six agreed to fondle her newly firmed physique, and can confirm the absence of unsightly "jelly."
"See?" Carey said, proudly. "I'll never be a stick woman, but now I'm fierce!"
We don't really have a joke here. We're too busy constructing a fake press pass with the words "Page Six" on it and trying to bribe Mariah's security team. We're ready for a little Mariah honking.
Mariah is most definitely fierce at MrSkin.com.
