Oh, Courtney. Back in rehab and claiming to be the pod incubating Steve Coogan's pea? For shame. Why can't you clean up? Why can't you be more like that nice Natasha Lyonne girl? Oh, wait.
The hoar may not be on the pumpkin, but the first crisp winds of fall are a-blowin' today, and while cooler air may drive many people to cider and corn mazes and such and such, it drives many of America's favorite celebrities to illicit substances!
Following her monkeyshine earlier this month at the Roosevelt Hotel, ole Courtney had her court date on the 19th, and yes, she was ordered back to rehab. She stood before the judge and let the tears freely plop, admitting that despite her previous insistence that she was clean and sober, she had, indeed, been suckling the narcotic teat. The judge told her to enter a 28-day rehab facility by the end of that day, saying, "I think that you need to hit rock bottom before you make a decision about what you're going to do in the future." Rock bottom, you say? How about claiming you're fecund with the seed of British TV (er, telly)'s "Alan Partridge"? Indeed, our gal says that she's got Steve Coogan's baby in her guts: "I am pregnant with Steve's baby, but I'd rather not talk about our relationship." The two reportedly enjoyed a non-stop porkathon for two weeks at the Sunset Marquis hotel in L.A. But, as Courtney told a friend, "Given the Grade A stars I've dated it's embarrassing. I mean . . . Alan Partridge." If anyone can name any non-Cobain "Grade A stars" Courtney Love's dated, please let us know. Because, um, we're at a loss.
In other substance abuse news, poor Natasha Lyonne's condition has gone from bad to worse. The Slums of Beverly Hills star is allegedly "fighting for her life" in New York's Beth Israel hospital, where she was found under an assumed name, receiving methadone treatment and suffering from hepatitis C, a heart infection, and a collapsed lung. Natasha's father, Aaron Braunstein, says with typical fatherly cluelessness: "I'm crying, actually. It's terrible. That's my little girl. It's a terrible tragedy. But she's gonna get better. We're all praying for her and she's a tough girl. As we see in the paper, she's probably with the wrong crowd, but the main thing she picked up is [hepatitis C] in Bulgaria [while shooting her 2001 movie The Grey Zone]." Oh, you know it! That innocent moppet had nothing to do with her current state, it was just the rough and tumble rapscallions she'd been rolling with. And those Bulgarians! Oh ho, don't get us started on those feculent, disease-spreading Bulgarians.
Courtney, nakeder and cleaner, at MrSkin.com.
Natasha, too.
