Diablo Cody to Ruin Sweet Valley High

It isn’t enough that they’re planning on making a TV show based on Heathers. Oh no000, Hollywood wants to drop an even fatter deuce on our preteen years by making a movie about Sweet Valley High and putting Diablo Cody in charge of it. Variety reports:

Diablo Cody’s heading back to high school, signing on to write and produce an adaptation of the “Sweet Valley High” book series for Universal. Mason Novick, Adam Siegel and Marc Platt are also producing.

U agreed to a deal with Cody and her manager Novick, outbidding Fox for the project. It’s in talks to acquire the film rights to the book series created by Francine Pascal and published by Random House.

Oh, this is just terrific. Instead of being perfect size sixes with eyes the color of the Pacific Ocean, Jessica and Elizabeth will sport matching flaming dice tattoos. Instead of a Fiat, they’ll drive something zany like a Le Car. Bruce Patman will be played by Michael Cera, and The Droids will be played by Vampire Weekend. FML.