"Prostitute-Tranny-Infested Sperm"

We're about to do something revolutionary that has never been done in the history of CelebNewsWire: We're going to say something complimentary about Denise Richards. Girl sure is entertaining. Sure, her entitled, tarted-up face may induce rage in our heart, but whenever she opens her mouth it's sure to elicit a hearty guffaw from ours. Will it make us watch her new reality show on E!? No. Not unless she can promise to play voicemails from Charlie Sheen in every episode. But, alas, Charlie is a bit more wily than Alec Baldwin; he knows to only send text messages. Page Six scoops the poop:

DENISE Richards is lashing back at her ex, Charlie Sheen, over the ugly accusations made by his friends on Page Six yesterday.

Sheen branded her a liar and claimed she sent his fiancee, Brooke Mueller, an e-mail asking him for his sperm so she could have another kid. Now Richards, in town to promote her E! reality show "It's Complicated," tells us:

"For him to slam me saying I'm exploiting the kids, well, he's exploited our entire situation," Richards fumed to us yesterday. She claims Sheen obsessively sends her rage-filled text messages. "Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he's going to Family Day [for daughter Sam's school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold," Richards said. "His response was, 'I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.' My mom died of cancer. This is what I deal with on a weekly basis.

"He missed Dad's day at the school and my father had to go in his place. And this is how he talks to me?"

Richards claims the e-mails sent to Mueller were fakes: "I don't want Charlie's prostitute-tranny-infested sperm. I have two beautiful kids. We'll leave it at that. I am so over him. He's the one who can't move on. He's disgusting and he's hit an all-time low."

But Sheen is taking it to the mat - or rather, a computer DNA expert - to prove Richards is lying.

Sheen's rep said, "Denise seems to be denying the existence of [the] e-mail. This goes beyond a he-said-she-said. We have an offer from a [live] TV show. They will bring a computer expert to diagnose the e-mail and to verify it was sent by her e-mail address and to verify it was neither altered nor edited. Computer DNA - it is conclusive.

"The only time Charlie has spoken on TV about her, they were sound bites at red-carpet visits or during set visits," the rep said. "He has not gone on multiple TV shows this week."

We've got a question for you, Denise. If Charlie's sperm is "prostitute-tranny-infested" what does that say about your daughters? It's not like Charlie was as virginal as Gary Coleman before you snagged him and only started paying for play after you split. Nu-unh, honey. Chuckie had been dipping his wick into every expensive-ass ho in L.A. for decades. So does this mean that when you sit Sam and Lola down for the "where do babies come from" talk (in front of an E! camera crew, natch) that you'll explain not that they're made of sugar and spice and everything nice but of one part mommy, one part daddy, and a hearty dash of transgendered streetwalker?


Denise, naked and Sheen free, at MrSkin.com.