Demi and Ashton Abandon God Madonna

We know that our readers look to Hollywood visionaries for spiritual guidance, so brace yourselves for this difficult news: Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have abandoned Kabbalah. That's a hard pill to swallow, we know, but life will go on. Perhaps Heidi Montag will step up to the ridiculous-religion plate and introduce you to a new offshoot of Buddhism that revolves around Neiman Marcus shopping and Botox injections. MSNBC reports:

With the recent brouhaha surrounding Scientology and its followers, Kaballah’s golden couple Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have fallen off the radar. Sources close to the couple say the timing is good, because the couple’s relationship with the religion has been called into question as of late.

“Ashton and Demi used to have an impeccable attendance record,” says one source with close ties to the Kabballah Centre in L.A. Another source close to the couple says it’s been “months” since the two attended services or participated in the Shabbat dinner after Friday services. Adding fuel to the fire is the fact that Kutcher was just last week spotted shopping on Robertson Blvd. without his trademark red string.

What’s to blame for the couple’s flagging attendance?

Definitely not Moore’s kids, because they’ve never been active. “It’s something that Bruce Willis never allowed,” says the source with ties to the Centre. Others say that Kutcher was “tired of being dragged there on Friday nights.” Whatever the case, the sudden change in routine strikes those who know the couple, who were married in a Kabbalah ceremony, as worrisome. “It’s just odd,” says the source with ties to the Centre, “something must be up.”

At first we thought that Ashton's objection to sacrificing a precious weekend evening must be the cause of the couple's lost faith, but then we thought a little deeper and realized that the timing of this religion dumping is awfully peculiar. So here's our theory: Ashton, taking a break from choosing the perfect highlight color to coordinate with Demi's jewelry collection, was perusing the internet last week and happened upon an intriguing video of fellow actor Tom Cruise. After nine minutes of insight, Ashton proclaimed, "This man really speaks to me. He is so wise. He can teach us much about KSW. We must join him."