It's just your typical love story: boy sees girl, boy has the robed leaders of his outer space alien-believing religious cult pay girl to play boyfriend-girlfriend with boy (hey, it's just another acting gig!), boy goes cuckoobananas and attacks Oprah Winfrey on her own television show. It's a story as old as the ages, yes, but the cockles of our hearts will never fail to be warmed to a giddy, gelatinous wad of dianetic love-goo.
Just in case you missed it (and rest assured, you will be seeing clips on every talk show for the next, oh, six months), Defamer has provided some screen caps of Tom Cruise's appearance on Oprah. They depict the bizarre, broken shell of a man screeching and flailing and grabbing America's richest woman all in a desperate bid to make the world believe he is in a functioning relationship with Katie Holmes (whom we've now dubbed "K-Hole"). We'd probably be concerned if the whole thing wasn't so dang high-larious! Dig, if you will, these pictures:
1. This depicts Tom's insanity quite well–he attempts to start a chicken fight with Oprah, seemingly unaware and unconcerned that they are neither on the shoulders of teammates nor in a swimming pool.
2. "Scientology rules!!!"
3. He . . . he . . . he's jumping on the furniture. He's jumping on the furniture. What else can you say? He is jumping on the furniture.
4. Cruise explains how he heterosexually does Katie "from behind", and mimes the act for good measure.
5. K-Hole, noting that Cruise is tied up taping a television show, sees her chance to escape and makes a desperate run for it. Little does she know that Cruise's minions alert him via the patented Hubbardchipô in his brain, and he dashes to nab his fresh-faced prey.
6. Tom shames his captured game by forcing her to parade her crusty foodhole before a live studio audience. Victory!
What's that, children? You're not content with plain old pictures? You want to see Tom in motion? Well, okay, but it ain't a talkie, so 23 skidoo, pally boy.
Katie Holmes! Naked! At MrSkin.com.
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