Comedian Barred from Death-Like Grip of Jessica's Genitalia

Jessica Simpson's new costar is Dane Cook, and his girlfriend is not a dummy. She keeps visiting the movie set, putting in long hours visiting her honey and shielding him from the sweet siren song of Jessica's gigantic breasts. Because she knows that Jessica Simpson and extra-hammy "comedians" go together like tongues and rectums.

Jessica and Dane are busy filming Employee of the Month (which, going by the pair's cerebral, emotional, restrained acting styles, should be the Brokeback Mountain of 2k6) in New Mexico. Cook's lady love, Raquel Houghton, has been making frequent trips to the set after learning that, according to Star magazine, Jessica has a huge crush on Cook. In Touch reports that Houghton told a friend:

"I am so worried he will fall for Jessica. He thinks she is really hot!"

And if that's not cause enough for concern, according to the National Ledger:

Costa Rica-born Raquel, 26, has been dating the 33-year-old for more than two years -- they even have a miniature pinscher together.

Listen, kids, we understand your raging hormones and changing bodies. We understand those long, cold desert nights away from loved ones, with no one to talk to but the gaffer and that stocky lady with the warts in craft services. We even understand the loose, free, sexy feeling of sexy, sexy joy that must surely be bubbling in a freshly popped virgin cut free of her boy-band spouse. Please, Jessica and Dane, restrain yourselves for the sake of the innocent pinscher. For the love of God, WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE MIN-PIN?!?!?!?
Revealing pics and clips of Jessica are at MrSkin.com.