CNW Junk Drawer: Chokin' 9 to 5

• Rip Torn got ripped. And then he drove. And then he got arrested. And became the subject of the foxiest mug shot since Nick Nolte's.

• Sophie Marceau showing nipples is much more interesting than Marcel Marceau . . . miming . . . nipples. Or something.

• Scarlett Johansson is not opposed to doing nudity. What a coincidence! We are also not opposed to Scarlett Johansson doing nudity.

• Jessica Simpson choked on the words to "9 to 5" during the Kennedy Center Honors. Afterwards, Violet, Judy, and Doralee got back at her by replacing her Skinny and Sweet with rat poison.

• Even unapologetic porn stars don't want to be associated with K-Fed's dong.

• Will Beyoncé become Mrs. J-Hova next weekend?

• Pete Doherty, drugs, court, etc. Move to England! The streets are paved with scag and syringes and the people all drink tea laced with ecstasy and even if you get arrested, the powderedly bewigged court dudes just give you a hug and bullet of coke and send you on your way.

• Jennifer Garner's body fucking sucks.

• Once again, PageSix spins the labyrinthine web of confusion that is their truly inpenetrable blind items. Who can it beeee now?