These last few weeks have been rather slow, gossip-wise. Sure, we have Britney possibly preparing to populate the entire country with Federlines, George Michael getting put in the poky, and CoKaite Moss stashing her booger sugar in a priceless collectible. But by and large, this week has been about sexual reassurance. First, we learned that Jessica Alba finally passed her sexy certification test, now Christina Aguilera is promising us that even though she's an old married bag, she'll still pony up the buttless chaps and dance in a pit, covered in what appears to be man-seed. So buck up, li'l campers!
Our favorite Pennsylvanian trashbag (we say that with love) Christina married her longtime love, music exec/Borneo proboscis monkey Jordan Bratman, back in November. Since then, rampant fear has spread across the nation. With Jessica still Christian and Britney . . . uh . . . out of commission, Christina is the only pop star we can turn to for a fix of pure, undiluted slutbaggery, but now that she's an honest woman, will the Dirrtiness remain? Rest assured, the answer is yes. Xtina promises Elle:
"Being sexual is a huge part of my artistry and who I am as a woman. When I am sexual in my lyrics or videos, it's because I am being honest. I'm in favour of any woman being proud of her body. I'm going to stick to my guns and keep pushing the envelope no matter what people say."
Rejoice! We fear and loathe change, so it's nice to have one slutty contant in our lives. Asked if hubby Jordan Bratman disapproves of her revealing garments and stimulating dance moves, Christina pshawed,
"He is right behind me supporting every provocative outfit and every pelvic thrust. Sometimes he'll even say to me, 'Why are you covering up? You're sexy, show it off!'"
We hope to God that Christina is being literal here. Like, we picture her wearing a complicated get-up involving poles and wings made out of rubbers and high heels fashioned from swords, with Jordan standing behind her, holding her up and physically positioning her hips for a deep floor thrust. Do the Bratman!
See more of Christina at MrSkin.com. When we say "more", we mean "nipple".
