You Can't Beat Rihanna

Chris Brown seems like such a nice boy. The kind of boy your grandmother would love. He's wealthy and dashing, he's got a megawatt smile, and he dances just like Fred Astaire! Oh, and he has something else in common with charming men from the 1940s–he likes to box the ears of his frail when she gets out of line. Allegedly. Last night, pre-Grammys, TMZ reported:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ Chris Brown is being investigated by the LAPD in an alleged assault on a female.

According to police, Brown and a woman whom cops refuse to identify were arguing inside a vehicle around 12:30 this morning when suddenly things allegedly turned violent.

Cops say they received a 911 call, and when they arrived they noticed the woman had visible injuries. We're told she then identified Brown as her attacker. Cops say Brown had left the scene by the time police arrived.

Both Brown and his girlfriend Rihanna skipped the red carpet and Grammy ceremony. Brown turned himself in last night and was charged with one count of felony criminal threats. And, according to TMZ (again):

The L.A. Times has identified Rihanna as the alleged victim, citing LAPD sources familiar with the case.

Instead of struggling and attempting to make a joke about Chris Brown beating up Rihanna, we're just going to admit defeat here and instead, redirect you to a nice list of Grammy winners, in hopes of finding something inoffensive and dull to numb the sting of domestic violence. Oh look, Coldplay! Mission accomplished.