We have bitten our fingernails to bloody nubs, pulled out every last strand of hair, and ground our teeth down to meth-addict stumps in anticipation, but, alas, the Bahamas do not play by our rules of time and work and order. Sure, we were supposed to find out if Larry Birkhead's sperm penetrated one of Anna Nicole Smith's eggs a few hours ago, but the judge had to go smoke a doob or sacrifice a goat or whatever it is that people do in the Bahamas, so we don't know shit. If everyone involved can leave their grass huts and stop sipping Bacardi long enough to show up in court we'll know the answer sometime after 2:30 Eastern. So until then, bask in Candy Spelling's wise words of advice to Larry Birkhead:
1) The hair, Larry: Most of the time, your hair looks great, and I'm sure you spend a lot of time getting it right. Just be warned that you might look good every day for a month. But the one day you leave in a hurry and don't pay enough attention, or you get a little wild with an untested new style — photos will be taken that will haunt you forever.
The rest of Candy's sage words can be found at TMZ, and, no, there is nothing in there about how much time you will save by having an entire room filled with wrapping paper, silk ribbons, and pastel-colored crepe paper.
UPDATE: And it's the shocker of the century as Larry Birkhead is revealed as Dannielynn's father. The whole Anna Nicole saga with the drugs and the death and the mystery and the money has been so convoluted and so full of twists that we half expected a talking kangaroo named Jimbo to emerge at the last minute as the true father. We're kind of disappointed, actually.
