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July 5, 2007 at 10:50AM

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Umbrella-ella-ella

Leslie Sloane-Zelnick and Elliot Mintz take note! "Exhaustion" as a catchall excuse for embarrassing or questionable behavior is so 2005. We thought John Stamos's brilliant "I took an Ambien" was going to take its place, but no. As it turns out, Britney Spears, of all people, has come up with the new perfect cover story: role research. Remember her post-cueball umbrella attack? She explained it in a beautifully hand-written letter to her attackees, X17:

Ahahahaha. "Remember that time I was all dressed up like a refugee from a '90s lesbian hardcore band disguised as a field hockey player, and I dented in your SUV's doors with an umbrella? I was just funnin'! It was funny! There was this movie, and some husband, and a thing, and stuff? But no? Something. OK, yayyy! Love, Britney." Brilliant. But there's one problem (aside from the continuity, spelling, and grammar issues): Britney's note, unlike Paris's TMZ letter, sadly, lacks a nice pencil drawing to truly illustrate her feelings. We think the point would have been driven home more clearly had she included a 2-D rendering of a bald headed stick figure with a black scribble over her head, denoting "I'm mad" in classic Charles Schulz style.

Britney's pen runneth over with prose lately--under the cut, see what she wrote to her estranged mom.

According to MSNBC:

The "Toxic" singer has been angry with Lynne Spears because she felt her mother pushed her into rehab. Now, Spears has written a bitter poem entitled “Dear Mama” and delivered it to her mother, according to the Star.

In the poem, Spears lamented “that she didn’t have a mom anymore and she couldn’t imagine a mother doing what she did to her child,” a source told the tab.

Spears delivered the verse, along with legal papers, to her mother on June 28 on the set of kid sister, Jamie Lynn’s television show, “Zoey 101.” The two are reportedly also battling over the affections of Jamie Lynn.

“Britney said, ‘Here Momma, I just wanted to see your face,’” a source told Star. “Then she got into her car and drove off. Lynne went into the trailer and broke down in tears.”

The CD reportedly contained recordings of phone conversations between Lynne Spears and Britney's estranged husband, Kevin Federline, in which the two are apparently working in cahoots.

Spears is forbidding her mother from seeing her two sons, and in one conversation, Lynne is said to be arranging to meet K-Fed and the boys, and says, “I have to be careful that Britney doesn’t find out!” The recordings were made by a private investigator, according to the tab.

In another call, Federline assured Spears’ mother that his court battle with the singer was going well.

“Kevin told Lynne that he had everything under control,” adds the source. “He was just going to let Britney hang herself in court.”

We're so happy that Britney has moved her semi-annual Letter of Truth from digital form to paper. The art of letter-writing is reborn! In the next few months, stars will delete their MySpace accounts in favor of beautifully embossed personal stationary with wax sealant.

Oh Britney. Oh Britney. Sigh. She's still looking nice, past tense, at MrSkin.com.

Related Topics: Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, paparazzi