Even our Alzheimer's-afflicted great-grandmother in rural Kansas called us on Saturday to croak, "Didja hear about Britney SPEARS?" so we can pretty much assume that you're all up to date on the rumpus. But for those of you who spent the weekend doing a hospital sleep study or for all you homeschooled kids out there, Brit went a little squirrelly, shaved her head bald, and got a couple of corny tattoos. Everyone says that she's going off the rails and having a nervous breakdown; we at CelebNewsWire are of the school that Britney is symbolically castrating her femininity and former image and, after donning one dangly earring and leather half-gloves, she will hit the road–to a hot Pat Benatar soundtrack–with Yeardley Smith and Christian Slater, whose scooter got trashed by that scumbag Hubie Pyatt. FAIR IS FAIR!
Britney Spears's Wild Ride kicked off on Friday, when the former Mrs. Federline was seen crying in her limo for ten minutes before entering Estherís Haircutting Studio in Tarzana around 6:15 P.M. She asked to have her head shaved, and when the stylist refused, Britney grabbed the clippers and gave herself a much-needed weavectomy. A salon "source" said,
"I don't know what's going on in her head, but she obviously is not very happy deep down, but she thought it would make her happy to have her head shaved. She didn't say if she liked it or not, but she thought it would make her happy to do it so she did."
Although we can assume that she was accompanied by at least one handler/bodyguard/driver, this person thought that it would be a good idea to let Britney go to a tattoo parlor afterwards, where she apparently took the notion of getting an image permanently inked into her flesh quite seriously, by pointing to a picture on the wall and saying, "That one!" She got a cross on her hip and a pair of lips on her wrist. A shop employee said that Britney explained her bald pate by saying,
"'I don't want anyone touching me. I'm tired of everybody touching me.' She wasn't making sense at all and you could tell she's not in a good place at all, and that she is totally freaking out. After (Britney) left, we said to each other, 'We just saw a huge celebrity on the verge of a nervous breakdown.' She seemed really distraught and disturbed. She was very scatterbrained. It was crazy, very surreal. She's definitely crying out."
Well, it was great of you guys to give her some tattoos, then!
Some are saying that the shaved head/emotional crackup is a reaction to Britney's favorite aunt recently dying of cancer. But she was probably just sick of listening to people critique her unmatching outfits, heard the term "carpet matching the curtains" and, well . . .
