Don't Worry About Sean and JJ; They Think Those Dildoes Are Lollipops

Britney Spears's house is strewn with sex toys and feces (both human and animal). What did you expect you'd find there? Back issues of The New Yorker and a Monchichi collection? And if that isn't ohmigod gasp shocking enough, she also has a top-secret, locked-tight sex room where she may have baked up another baby. The New York Daily News dishes:

A secret sex room? Feces-smeared couches? Another baby on the way? You can bet Kevin Federline and his lawyers are bound to take a keen interest in Star magazine's latest claims about his ex, Britney Spears.

The tabloid alleges that the plummeting pop star's Mulholland Drive mansion is equipped with a double-locked, X-rated "Fantasy Room" filled with ticklers, whips and fur-trimmed handcuffs hanging from the metal bedframe. (Please, hold your shudders until the end.)

The second-floor room also features a mirrored ceiling, a glass jar containing spanking paddles and a closet full of kinky outfits, according to an "insider" who stumbled into the den of sin.

"She wears Catholic schoolgirl uniforms, a maid's uniform and a Cinderella outfit," claims the mole. The source also contends Brit is so obsessed with Marilyn Monroe that she wants her nose redone to look like the blond model of self-destruction.

"Britney is sexually obsessed," the source tells Star.

Perhaps K-Fed knows that; they did make two babies. But his legal team, which scours the tabloid media for new evidence of maternal incompetence, is possibly less familiar with the claim that Brit leaves some of her sex toys out in the living room. When ó and if ó she regains custody of Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 14 months, Federline may not be tickled about them finding her ticklers.

Star's source also claims the house is a stinky sty ó that the white couches bear hideous stains of diaper-changing and Britney's dog. According to the tab, a "court-appointed watchdog" is set to declare the place a potential "health hazard."

But back to the pleasure equipment ó who's helping Brit use it? According to the mag, her "new squeeze" is Michael Marchand, a Hollywood waiter and aspiring actor. But his mom insists that they're "just friends" who like "watching videos together and playing Scrabble."

Despite such innocent pursuits, Star quotes "multiple independent sources" as saying Brit is expecting again.

"Yes, I am pregnant and I am shocked ó almost four weeks to be exact," says Brit, or someone claiming to be Brit, in a message on her MySpace page, according to Star. "I don't really know if I'm happy or sad I'm just … idk [I don't know] I am happy I guess. I saw the ultrasound and it was really kewl!"

Spears' reps didn't get back to us. Federline's mouthpiece declined comment.

We've been unable to track down this supposed MySpace pregnancy confession, as we're sure it lives somewhere in a land filled with rainbows and pegacorns and nutrition-filled Doritos. Plus, we've heard Brit pregnancy rumors pretty much every month since the de-Fedding, and we haven't heard about any babies left in Taco Bell bathrooms recently, so we're pretty sure they've all been bullshit. What we do love about this story is the naivete of Brit's hump buddy's mom. "No, no, my marginally employed son couldn't possibly be sticking his dong in Britney's ass cooter. They just hang out, play board games, watch movies. He said Shrek the Third was quite entertaining. And he'd never lie about a cartoon ogre." But more than Britney's vast array of sex toys, we really want to see Britney in a really heated game of Scrabble. "Y'all is totes legal, y'all! The blank tile is that thingy, what do you call it, it looks sort of like that other thing, I think it's called a coma, but this one is up high. That's the blank tile, y'all. And it fits perfectly with cain't right there."


Britney. MrSkin.com. Dig it.