Britney Spears Doesn't Do What She's Told. You're Totally Surprised, Aren't You?

We were able to avoid any stories about Britney Spears yesterday. Yay! Today we'll celebrate by talking about Britney Spears. Boo! IMDB tells us she's missed eight out of fourteen drug test requests. And she has the sleep habits of a college student. Which is weird, because she didn't even go to college. Or high school. Strange. The database of the movies on the internet says:

Britney Spears ignored eight random drug test requests, according to her ex Kevin Federline's attorney. The dancer's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, made the allegations in an emergency hearing he had called in Los Angeles on Thursday to discuss the former couple's ongoing custody battle. Neither Spears nor Federline – who has been granted custody of their two boys – appeared in court for the last-minute meeting. Under the latest court ruling, Spears is allowed to see her boys – Sean Preston, two, and Jayden James, one – three times a week, but must follow an earlier court order to undergo mandatory drug and alcohol tests and well as attend joint parenting sessions with dancer Federline. But Kaplan claims Spears has violated the court drug test order by ignoring eight out of a total of 14 requests and lives in a "parallel universe". He also told the court, "Mr. Federline doesn't want to take these children out of their mother's life, but what are we to do?" However, Spears' new lawyer, Anne Kiley, has defended the star's actions and branded the drug testing procedure "unconstitutional," claiming a missed test does not indicate a positive one. And Kiley also hit back at Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon when he said the early morning requests for the tests were not "unreasonable." But Kiley claimed superstars like Spears were not used to being woken up at 8am, retorting: "You are not a pop star with a number one album, so you don't know." If Spears is proved to have violated the drug-testing procedures, she faces having her visitation rights suspended until she follows the court order. The hearing continues.

This has us wondering what exactly it is that Britney does all day. She's not promoting her album. She's not taking drug tests. She's not rearing her children. She's not learning how to rear her children. She's not taking baths. So here's what we think a typical day in the life of Britney Spears might look like.
Noon: Wake up. Curse self for missing the Croissanwich cut off time AGAIN. Eat Hostess Fruit Pie instead; wash it down with Red Bull.
1:00: Rummage through the bags of Forever 21 clothes purchased yesterday. Settle on dorm-wear boxers with convenient fly and sheer lace camisole. Find past fork in kitchen; brush weave into ponytail.
2:00: Gather minions; run for border.
3:00: Try to wipe away spilled fire sauce from chest, smearing it badly. Head for tanning salon.
4:00: Make up song about what a wiener Kevin is while tanning.
5:00: Back to Taco Bell for a Crunchwrap Supreme and Nachos Bell Grande.
6:00: Home for two-hour nap.
8:00: Watch SoapNet while munching on Doritos; feel good about life for an hour.
9:00: Put on third or fourth outfit of day; head to store that sells chandeliers/dog jewelry/reproduction Grecian urns/baby alligator skins/whatever; bang on door until someone reverses "Closed" sign.
10:00: Drive around aimlessly getting picture taken.
11:00: Hit the Wendy's drive-thru; eat in car.
12:00: Go to 7-11 for Slurpee and copy of Us Weekly.
1:00: Head to Winston's; dance on tables and drink vodka and Hawaiian Punch cocktails with people who will call In Touch in the morning.
5:00: Remove all clothes; fall asleep on bathroom floor.
Now we ask you, Mr. Superior Court Commissioner: Where exactly do you propose she fit in something as mundane and time-consuming as a random drug test? There just ain't time, y'all!