The Brit and Kev Custody Show, Now Featuring a Woman Who's Touched Colin Farrell's Weenie

We know what you're thinking: "Another damn Britney Spears story? Hasn't she crawled into the deep freeze for a nice nap or hosted an impromptu garage party without turning off the car's engine yet? Anything? How is this girl still breathing?" We're not sure about that, but there is one thing that delights us about this story: The return of Colin Farrell porker Nicole Narain. We love resurrecting long-gone celebrity hangers-on. Next thing you know we'll be talking about Stamos Nachos and Harry Morton.

Somehow the coupling of two has-been celeb barnacles passed us by, but apparently Nicole Narain is dating Kevin Federline. And that now makes her the Brit 'n' Fed authority, so she followed the cash to highly suspect "news outlet" News of the World. Hell, with cred like that, her contact with Kevin was probably limited to a late-night hookup in a Taco Bell bathroom. But nevertheless, girl's talking, and she's saying stuff we pretty much already knew about Britney. NOTW "reports":

Kevin Federline, who is battling for custody of their two boys, said: "Britney's behaviour has already put our kids at risk and I can't let things get any worse.

"She's lost all grasp on reality and is dragging the children through hell. Her mood swings are now so wild that I live in fear of getting a call telling me that she has killed herself.

"I can't allow her to have custody because I seriously believe she could harm our sons. I've shared her life and I know she's capable of anything with pills and a few drinks inside her."

Kevin has never spoken publicly about Britney, 25. But he confided his secret worries in emotional conversations with girlfriend Nicole Narain. She told the News of the World how he:

* CAUGHT Britney breast-feeding son Jayden, one, while DRUNK on vodka.
* FEARS her wild and erratic behaviour has "damaged" Jayden and two-year-old Sean.
* WARNED her to stop leaving the kids alone by the pool and driving them in the car without seatbelts.
* REALISED Britney is BISEXUAL after she made a pass at Nicole in a loo.
In a rare and remarkable insight into the troubled star's life, Nicole, 33, revealed it was the breast-feeding incident which finally put paid to the marriage.

K-Fed confided to her: "I'd see her walking around the house guzzling vodka and Coke and looking very tipsy.

"Then a few moments later, I saw her pick up Jayden and start breast-feeding him. That sent me up the wall. I yelled at her, ‘If you really wanna drink then make sure the baby gets bottled milk, not yours.'

"I was terrified she was poisoning my son. But she wouldn't listen. She never would. She treated me like one of her employees who bowed to her every whim.

"She screamed back, ‘You can't talk to me that way!' But I had to stand up for my children as well as myself.

"Two weeks later she filed for divorce. I only found out when I heard it as a news item on the radio. I felt she was just trying to teach me a lesson for telling her off about the breast-feeding incident. But when I called she kicked off another row and screamed, ‘You're nothing without me'. I neverwanted a divorce but now I knew there was no option."

Federline, 29, went on: "During the last few months I'd started picking her up on her parenting skills. She'd leave the kids near the pool unsupervised or drive around without belting them in. She always insisted what she was doing was right. There was no getting through to her. I still love her as she is mother to my two sons but I will never ever get back together with her."

Nicole's gonna have to step up her game if she wants to hold the public's attention this time. Britney drinks too much? Doesn't pay attention to the kids? Loves snatch? This is not news. We know this shit. In her next interview (The Enquirer, we're assuming), Nicole should throw in something about how Britney likes to dress up like Janice from The Muppets, put Sean and JJ in costume as Dr. Teeth and Animal, and pretend they're backstage waiting to open for The Rolling Stones, feeling up groupies (a.k.a. Cabbage Patch Kids) and huffing lines (a.k.a. packets of lemon Kool-Aid). Faux coke snorting by babies would amount to a pretty big scoop.

And speaking of a pretty big scoop, Britney shared some inspiring words on Friday after her custody hearing, words that we're assuming refer to her clam. According to Extra:

When asked by an “Extra” reporter in the hallway outside a Los Angeles Superior courtroom as to how she was doing, Britney Spears shouted out, “Eat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it!" Spears walked back into the courtroom crying.

Great. Now we're going to be thinking about a giant Steve Carell-sized nose trying to snort up the folds of Britney's vagina all day.

Find Brit Brit's bit bits at MrSkin.com.