Britney Spears: Pretty Much as Messed up as We Assumed

We all know Britney Spears is zorked out on goofballs and whoosyskanks and peesywhatsits pretty much all the time, right? So we didn't really need her former bodyguard to inform us of this. We probably also could have figured out that Britney + two toddlers - supervision = at least a visit to the emergency room. Hell, we've seen what's she's done to Sean while surrounded by tons of people. But just in case we hadn't been paying attention to Brit's parenting skills and druggy state, "secret witness" Tony Barretto is speaking out. Us Weekly recaps Barretto's interview with News of the World:

"She has mental problems, and they are not helped by her taking drugs and alcohol," Barretto says in the interview.

Barretto recently filed a declaration detailing his former employer's drug and alcohol use in the child custody case between Spears and her ex-husband Kevin Federline.

In his interview with the British tabloid, Barretto also alleges that the singer almost suffered a drug overdose in a hotel room with singer Howie Day just days after leaving Promises Treatment Center in late March of this year.

"She was in a terrible state, just sweating and shaking. Her pupils were huge— we thought she was dying," claims Barretto.

The former bodyguard also says he was told about the singer's frequent nudity before he took the job.

"Before I even started working for her, I was warned about her stripping," he says. "I must have seen her naked dozens of times and each time I've been extremely embarrassed. She strips off anywhere -- at home, recording studios and clubs."

The mag also sums up his interview with London's Daily Mail:

"There was a time when I thought she was going to hurt the kids," Barretto says, referring to Spears' two young sons, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1.

Barretto says at one point he and another member of the singer's security team became concerned that Spears was "shutting down" like she had during her now-infamous head-shaving incident and might injure her two sons.

"He said she'd been talking about suicide then, and this was the same. Britney was sobbing. She screamed," says Barretto. "[He said] 'I'm worried about the kids. Don't let her go swimming with them.' I asked, 'Is she going to drown them?' He said, 'I don't know.' I started to cry. How am I supposed to protect someone like that?"

Barretto also goes on to allege that Spears used drugs in front of him and would often sneak off in the middle of the night without her security.

"I've seen her take narcotics in nightclubs on only two occasions, but her drugged behavior -- fidgety, nervous, jumpy -- I've seen at her home, too, so I assume she was on drugs at home," he says. "At the club, she was snorting a powdery substance, which I assume to be cocaine or methamphetamine. I think she leads a secret lifestyle and hides it from those she doesn't trust. She gets upset with the notion of having to go there."

So Britney does a ton of drugs, almost overdosed once, and might end up as one of those crazy ladies you hear about on Nightline who freak out and drown their kids. How in the goddamn hell are we supposed to make a joke about that? That's just sad. So instead we'll share with you a joke we heard from Popbitch recently: Q: How is Michael Jackson like caviar? A: They both come on little white crackers. Ba-dum-dum.