Brit to Pee In Cup; Get Coached

The court ruled that at present, the custody agreement between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline will remain at 50/50. So why is Britney over there celebrating with a fudgicle–and a night of bar-hopping? Because Scott Gordon, the judge presiding over her custody battle thinks she's all zorked out on methajuana! Yayyyy! According to the NY Daily News:

ìBased on the evidence presented, the court finds that there is a habitual, frequent, and continuous use of controlled substances and alcohol by [Spears],î [Judge Gordon] wrote in his nine-page rulingÖ. The judge ordered the 25-year-old to undergo random drug testing twice a week – and get a parenting coach."

Being a parenting coach is almost as sweet a job as being Nicole Richie's eating coach or Mariah Carey's gum receptacle. Hire us, Britney. We'll wear a striped jersey and a whistle around our necks and yell, "Move it, Spears! Wipe that child's ass BEFORE the diaper goes on! Hop to it! No, you don't pick up Jayden James by his foot, Spears, were you born in a barn? Now tell me, what goes in the baby's mouth: pacifier or Marlboro? You know the answer! C'mon! YOU GOTTA WANT IT!" And then one day everything will click and she'll bathe the kids with something other than Windex and successfully put Sean in a stroller instead of tying him to a roller skate with Froot by the Foot. And the touching music will swell and we'll hoist Britney aloft and carry her across the field to victory before she dumps a barrel of Mountain Dew over our heads.

Britney shows it off at MrSkin.com.