Star Will Force Britney To Lose 20 Pounds Whether She Likes It or Not

The celebrity weeklies are just desperate for Britney Spears to drop a crapload of pounds and roll back her image to 1999 like she's the Wal-Mart smiley face. We saw where that got OK! a few weeks ago, namely, repurposing a five-year-old photo. Now Star is grasping as Slim Fasts, begging us to believe them when they whine: "She's in a bikini, that must mean she's thinner, right? Only people on diets wear bikinis, so she must be stuffing her cakehole with whole grains and leafy greens, not Hot Pockets, right? Right? Please?" Although they hold it together long enough to say this:

Britney Spears has been dieting and working out — and it shows!

In the new issue of Star, we have world exclusive photos of Britney rocking her hot new bikini body at a Malibu beach.

And while she's not there yet, she has dropped 20 pounds, the cellulite is gone and her dancer's legs are back!

Unless Star is pulling some whacked out Merlin shit on us and when we open the mag to the appropriate spread her pictures will magically transform before our eyes, with the pounds miraculously melting from the page, we just don't see it. How is this body any different than the one we've been staring at every damn day for the last year and a half? Is it because her bikini covers all of her personal private areas and isn't in any way see through? Is that what they mean?

P.S. Leave the damn girl alone already. She looks fine. She does not need to look like Nicole Richie to gain CelebNewsWire's love. In fact, we'd prefer it if she never looked like Nicole Richie. That would be gross.


Britney has a new body at MrSkin.com. And by "new body" we mean "her old body".