Brangelina's Ear-Splitting Safari Sex

According to staff at the Alfajari Villas beach resort in Kenya, Brad and Angelina's wild African lovemaking was so loud that they thought it "sounded like a wounded animal, like someone being killed!" But they weren't too far off the mark–Ang was probably just drawing a vial of Brad's blood to wear as a kicky choker.

But do you expect the sensual collision of the two most physically outstanding celebrities that the USA has to offer to be anything other than cacophonous? Alternate realities are probably being created through their lust! Tides are reversing! Atoms are splitting! We're surprised the world continues to turn on its axis after these two joined giblets!

According to the ever-reliable Star magazine, guards (there are guards in hotels?) grabbed their weapons (they carry weapons?) and "hammered furiously on the door with their clubs." (Clubs? Like cavemen?) The passionate screams stopped, and Pitt yelled, "Everything is cool guys. You can leave ó we're OK." A bystander (there were bystanders? At 2 A.M.?) reports that "People here have great respect for men with sexual prowess who keep their women pleased." Another "onlooker" (another? At 2 A.M.?) told the mag, "Miss Jolie got so excited, the guards thought maybe Mr. Pitt was taking juju herbs to give him the strength of a lion." Ah, yes, and after that, the naked natives smeared themselves in mud and elephants' blood, adjusted the bones in their noses, and rode their pet tigers to their thatched-hut homes high above the trees in the jungle. Oh, that Star! Ever the bastion of cultural sensitivity.

P.S. These two are at it again. Rumor has it they're presently exploding the eardrums of all the "native savages" in Morocco. More info as it comes.

Rawr! Angelina, nude, at MrSkin.com.