Boring Emmys Bring Booming Boobies

First of all, we must say that we’re not a fan of these back-to-back awards ceremonies. We haven’t even seen the Us Weekly VMA fashion roundup yet, and already the Emmys are over. We need a little more time to recover from rich and famous people getting big shiny statues. But no matter, the Emmys were last night. And we stayed awake for the whole thing! Yay! Usually that wouldn’t be such an accomplishment, but man, were they boring. Here’s a brilliant idea: Let’s take all the crappy awards that no one cares about, which are generally most of the reality and variety categories and all of the mini-series/TV movie categories, and put them all in the middle, one after another. And sure, they threw Ricky Gervais in there to try to liven things up, but that didn’t help us forget that we were watching acceptance speeches for someone who had something to do with Little Dorrit. Oooh, Dickens adaptations. A clear ratings grabber. Usually when the awards show is a snooze, we focus on the fashion, but even that was pretty uninteresting this year. But luckily there were boobies to look at. Most of the ladies seemed to stuff them deep into satin and taffeta and not let them out all night, but there were a few saviors. Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks has enough funbag flesh to supply at least 38% of Hollywood if a shortage ever occurs, but there was also Anna Torv. She’s on some show. Tassel? No no, it’s called Fringe. We’ve never seen it. The ads always seem to have her in dowdy suits, so that could explain it. But even better than Anna was Blake Lively. We’re thinking that next year Blake’s boobs should host the Emmys. No one would dare change the channel, and they wouldn’t even need a script. They could just jiggle a bit and everyone would be mesmerized. They even got us to do some deep soul searching. What were we searching for? An explanation for how those things can be so perfect and gravity defying. Are they fakies? Or is Blake just an incredibly blessed 22-year-old? This is meaning-of-life type shit and we must know the answer.

Oh right, you probably want to know who the winners are. In case you were doing something more exciting last night, like tending to your bunions.

We live tweeted the awards to stave off sleep. If you followed us on Twitter, you would have known that.