Beckhams Beamed to Cruise Compound to Validate Suri's Existence

After exhausting his list of Scientological compatriots (Leah Remini) and tight-lipped celeb cronies on the L. Ron payroll (the Pinkett-Smiths, Penelope Cruz), Tom Cruise is branching out and inviting other celebrities to bear frankincense, myrrh, and designer Baby Bjorns, follow the star in the north and come to gaze upon baby Suri No Middle Name as she lies in her plexiglass, thetan-repelling hyperbaric cradle. He's invited Posh Spice and her well-waxed husband David Beckham to come visit the child (after agreeing to adhere to a list of creepy rules, natch), but we just think he wants to throw the fact that they haven't yet been able to produce a girl-child in their faces.

Tom's invitation to the increasingly E.T.-esque former Spice and her husband was issued recently, and the Beckhams will most likely accept, even though they'll pretty much only be able to look at Suri and perhaps discuss the situation in Lebanon with her. Our gossip Dalai Lama, FemaleFirst, reports that a source close to Britain's celebrated couple said,

David and Victoria are honoured that Tom and Katie have asked them along. However, they were a little shocked by the list of rules they'll have to follow. Apparently they can't take any photographic equipment, they're banned from touching Suri and they're not allowed to do any baby-talk around her. It will be very difficult for Victoria, because she just loves babies and is trying for a daughter with David at the moment.

Frankly, Tom and K-Hole should be less concerned with the possiblity that Posh and Becks would want to wiggle the little tot's dimpled toes or accidentally let loose with a "Who's a widdle cutie-cutie-goo-goo-girlie? Suri is! Yes, you ARE! Yes, you ARE!" and more concerned with the negative "imprints" the pair might create on the child's psyche as she stares, hypnotized, at Victoria's violently shiv-sharp collarbones and David's Tang-colored Mystic Tan.
UPDATE: The paparazzi at X17 Media, armed with cannon-length zoom lenses and a helicopter, may just have taken a detrimental, thetan-branding photograph of young Suri, proving that no matter what you do, you can't protect your children forever.
Posh pix! At MrSkin.com.
And catch her smoking hot hubby at MaleStars.com.
Hot mama Katie is NAKED at MrSkin.com.
And head back to MaleStars for your fill of crazy old Tom.