Basinger & Baldwin's Bitter Baby Battle. Boo-Hoo.

The custody battle over Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger's child is growing more acrimonious by the day. He says their battle is like cancer, and she's a "child-snatcher". She says that he's really really really really really really hairy. OK, she didn't really say that, but we were all thinking it. Admit it.

The divorced pair are set to duke it out in court today over their young daughter, Ireland. And man oh man alive, do these two people hate each other or what? Earlier this week, Baldwin called his ex a "child-snatcher" after she refused to let Ireland enjoy a scheduled visiting day with him. In a huff, he called the police and filed papers in hopes of being granted more custody rights, claiming, "I believe the child lives in a constant state of tension wherein she must never display or divulge her true feelings for her father because of the mother's all-consuming and bitter feelings toward me." He can't even call Kim by name! Oh, the seething! The tension! Fortunately for everyone, there are level-headed African-American women out there roaming the streets, acting as vigilantes and dousing Baldwin's hate-flames. He said,

"But I'm keeping things in perspective. Not letting it consume me and eat me up with anger as it used to. I stopped that when one late night I was on the street so unhappy and filled with rage that, in a fit, I smashed my phone against a lamppost. A black lady walking by said to me, 'Alec Baldwin, you got to get hold of yourself.' So I have."

However, Attorney Harvey Levin of the website TMZ.com has seen the legal papers and says,

"This is how bad things have gotten. Alex has Kim trying to block him from flying with her daughter Ireland because Kim says she was better able to protect her from terrorists at the airport. There is an endless list of bribes. Alex graduated from NYU, but he says Kim thinks he's not capable of helping Ireland with her fourth grade homework."

We have a simple solution to this problem, and its name is Angelina Jolie. Seriously, she says she's in the market to adopt another baby. Oh, don't look at us like that; the kid's name is Ireland. She's totally multicultural!
Child-snatching Kim is naked at MrSkin.com.
And Alec's intense chest hair can be found at MaleStars.com.