Ashton Denies Baby Rumors; Steps in Dog Shit

Let's take a break from shopping for baby shower gifts for Ashton and Demi, shall we, and instead bust out our trusty decoder rings. Our own baby daddy, FemaleFirst.com, throws out this mysterious tidbit today: "Ashton Kutcher Gags After Standing In Dog C**p". Dog carp? Dog camp? Dog chap? By god, we must know what Ashton stepped in! What could they possibly mean?

You know it's a slow gossip day when a FOX star stepping in dog excrement is breaking news, but yes, the "c**p" means "crap" (a word that apparently offends FemaleFirst's delicate sensibilities). Crap that came out of a dog that belongs to Demi Moore. St. Elmo's turds, if you will. Ashton relates the riveting tale: "I have a weak stomach. One of Demi's dogs popped [sic] in the living room the other day and I didn't see it. I stepped in it. I started gagging and throwing up. Dog poop grosses me out." A natural aversion to feces is a trait that does not bode well for someone possibly about to become a first-time father. And speaking of that whole reproduction thingie, Ash is doing what any respectable famous father-to-be would: denying the hell out of it! "When are people going to stop believing the crap that people write?" (there's that c-word again!) "Even if it were true, which it's not, why is that news? You know why they write it? Because people are so sick of reading about what we're actually doing in the world, which is nothing! So people read this to make it feel like something is actually happening." It's going to be so heartwarming when Baby Moore-Kutcher is nine years old, does a little Googling, and discovers that his dad denied his very existence as a teeny tiny embryo.