Ashley Olsen Mounts a Biker; Jessica Simpson Mounts a Stallion

Today we're going to play a little game. Take two seemingly single celebrities who have very little in common other than a love of shiny, shiny hair or blow or whatever and pretend that they're dating. We'll make up stories about where they went to dinner, which club they "canoodled" at, and there will be an anonymous tipster who saw them making out all night. Just call us Page Six. Couple number one will be Jennifer Aniston and Bobby Brown. They'll dine at Mr. Chow (Jen will pick up the check, obviously) then head over to Winston's to table dance with Britney Spears. Couple number two will be Joaquin Phoenix and Lauren Conrad. They'll dine at The Ivy and then just say fuck it and make out on a bus bench on Sunset. If we added super juicy quotes about how each couple was "so into each other" they "couldn't take their eyes off each other" and she was "sitting on his lap stroking his hair all night" would you believe it? What if we changed our logo to read New York Daily News and told you it wasn't actually these pairings who were seen on dates but rather Ashely Olsen and Lance Armstrong and Jessica Simpson and Owen Wilson? Yeah, you probably still wouldn't believe us.

Ashley Olsen must have been jealous that her sister scored Gandhi, if only in a movie, and gone after the closest thing she could find to a beloved, inspirational hero. Page Six reports:

ODD couple alert: Ashley Olsen has a new, older man. The 21-year-old twin showed up to the Rose Bar at the Gramercy Park Hotel Monday night with Tory Burch's ex, Lance Armstrong, 36. Our bar spy said, "They came together with a group of friends. Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night. They left together around 2 a.m." Armstrong has been spending more time in town since he bought a home here. Another source said, "He tried to make Tory happy when they were dating by buying a place here, but she couldn't deal with him not actually living in the same city, so they broke up." Olsen's rep didn't return calls.

And The New York Daily News corroborates:

Maybe Ashley Olsen just wanted some tips on how to wear spandex well. The pint-size starlet was seen nuzzling up to Lance Armstrong on Monday night at Rose Bar. The duo arrived together just after midnight, and Ashley stopped to get a hug from a sober Owen Wilson, who "looked really good and healthy." Said our spy: "Ashley and Lance settled in and within minutes, he was whispering in her ear and she was giggling like a schoolgirl. They totally looked like they were on a date."

And speaking of Owen Wilson, NYDN also reports on his extragenital activities:

Jessica Simpson sure makes a great anti-depressant.

She and Owen Wilson have been spotted on a date in Los Angeles, according to the new issue of Star magazine.

The two dined Sunday at the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica before retiring to his Malibu home.

"He couldn't keep his hands off her," a witness tells the mag.

Apparently, sparks flew between the two Texans when they were in Austin on Oct. 16 to appear in a video with Willie Nelson.

Well, they are both known for their love of assplay. We think this one just might work!