Ashlee and Petee: Robbed by Monkeys

We are sick of talking about whether or not Ashlee Simpson is carrying an emo tot in her womb. We will cease to care until we see proof; proof like a sonogram that depicts a tiny little guy-linered fetus with a flat iron in its hand. Until then we will talk about how Ashlee and little Petey Wentz were robbed by monkeys. Yes, robbed by monkeys, according to Starpulse:

Hot couple Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz were the victims of monkey thieves who stole all their designer gear during a recent Costa Rican retreat. The pair was staying at a hotel in the Latin American paradise when things started to go missing from their room.

Simpson explains, "We'd go to sleep and we'd wake up, and the maid wasn't even here, but sunglasses, my Sony, my favorite Wireseal hat, all this stuff, my favorite make-up bag (was gone). We were like, 'Where is everything?' We asked the hotel and they said that the monkeys like shiny things.

"That monkey has some serious designer clothes."

We love how Ashlee immediately jumps to "Of course, I assumed the maid stole our stuff, because that's what low-class servants do, right, stab you in the back after you've graciously payed them a whole $4.25 per hour? But she wasn't even there. I was so confused." But we're guessing that the thievery wasn't undergone by a band of monkeys, but just one simian creature, namely, the monkey Pete used to make out with all the time. He's probably been following the couple around waiting for his moment, and when he spied an unguarded door he snuck in and pilfered some of Ashlee's prized items, muttering to himself (translated from monkey speak, of course), "That'll teach you to steal my man, bitch." He probably also smeared some feces on things, cause that's what monkeys do.