“Are You Ready to Die?”

Russell Crowe is not a man to let anyone get the better of him, even if it is just in print. We thought that he was a thoroughly modern man, using technology to upbraid his opponents. OK, maybe upbraid isn’t the word we were looking for. Maybe “beat senselessly” would’ve been a better choice. But Crowe is also a man who loves the classics, such as a duel at dawn. A duel by bicycle! And amazingly enough, Russell rode the bicycle instead of using it as an extremely cumbersome weapon. Recently a reporter mocked Crowe’s fitness regime with a story entitled “Smokes and fatty foods the fitness regime for Rusty.” The Huffington Post explains the events that followed.

The paper mocked Crowe after he was photographed pausing during a recent bike ride with his personal trainer to puff on a cigarette and chow down on three tacos and a soft drink.

In a story published Friday, the paper said Crowe’s spokesman called up gossip columnist Annette Sharp the next day and said, “Get on your bike. Russell wants you to go riding with him. Are you ready to die?”

Sharp accepted the challenge and the pair met a dawn for a 12-mile (20-kilometer) ride through the city. Video of the race shows Sharp struggling to keep up while Crowe zooms along unfazed. At one point, Sharp fell off her bike.

Still, Crowe gave Sharp some credit, telling her she was a better biker than Australian director Baz Luhrmann. “You’re twice the man Baz is,” he said.

Sure, that’s impressive, we guess. But if Russell wanted a real bicycle duel, he and the reporter should’ve come at each other from fifty paces, a bicycle’s rear tire firmly in their grip, and knocked handlebars above their heads like two antelopes fighting to the death.

If we challenge anyone to bicycle duel, you’ll hear about it on our Facebook page.