Sure Anne's a Bad Mom, But Celestia Is a Regular Mary Poppins

Anne Heche's soon-to-be-ex husband is trying to make her out to be the second coming of Joan Crawford, mommy wise. But instead of horrific stories involving midnight gardening and Noxzema monsters, all he's got is that Anne gives their kid food he doesn't like. We can hear the screams now: "No, Mommy, no. Please don't make me eat Brussels sprouts! They're icky." And as Anne closes in with a nice recitation of here comes the choo-choo, little Homer wails, "Stop, Mommy, stop it, please. Nooooo!!!!!"

We really want to like Anne Heche's estranged husband because his name is Coley Laffoon, which is the best celebrity-hanger-on name since Rupert Friend. But he just doesn't seem to have much of a case here. TMZ reports:

Anne Heche's soon-to-be-ex-hubby claims that he's worried the actress isn't psychologically capable of caring for their son, and says she refuses to see a shrink!

In court papers filed earlier this month in Los Angeles County Superior Court, Coley Laffoon is asking a judge for joint custody of the couple's 5-year-old son Homer, but claims that Anne's "bizarre and delusional behavior" and "poor parenting skills" could be a problem. In the papers, Laffoon claims that Anne once didn't put Homer in a car seat, she often cusses in front of the child, and packed school lunches that Homer "did not like." Laffoon added that his prior experience as a nanny and a summer camp counselor justify giving him joint custody.

Laffoon is also asking for $33,000 a month in spousal support, even though he claims he only made $6,000 a year as a videographer, before the two were married. According to the documents, Heche makes $81,000 an episode for her role in "Men In Trees."

We're going to resist the urge to make fun of poor little Homer Laffoon's name, even if it does sound like it belongs to a pre-Mickey Mouse cartoon character, because he's already got a lot going against him. For one thing, understanding Mommy's secret language must be pretty taxing on a five-year-old's brain. Plus, his dad's a loser. Anne's rep responded to the charges:

It is disappointing that Coley Laffoon has resorted to filing lies with the court because Anne would not cave in to his astronomical monetary demands, including his demand for $45,000 a month in support. For the past several years, the child's father has refused to get a job in order to contribute financially to the child's care.

We would suggest that Coley take a meeting with Bobby Brown to discuss their similar situations, but we're guessing that Bobby would probably just laugh through the whole thing after saying, "Cussing in front of a kid? Hell, that's nothing. My wife smoked cracked while cooking Bobbi Kris's breakfast." Also, if they tried to meet for coffee or lunch, they'd waste a lot of time begging for nickels outside first.

Remember when Anne was a naked lesbian? MrSkin.com does.