Anna Nicole Smith's Death Secrets Revealed!

Medical examiner Joshua Perper isn't set to announce Anna Nicole Smith's cause of death until Monday morning (according to TMZ), but that won't stop Star and The National Enquirer from telling you that they know the answers. The tabs talked to this guy who is Perper's sister-in-law's manicurist's cousin's pool boy, and he said she was bitten by a rabid helper monkey she had hired to replace Howard K. Stern. Well, they convinced us!

In a peace agreement more influential and far reaching than the Camp David Accords, The Enquirer and Star worked together to bring us this very important story:

The ENQUIRER and Star have also learned that Anna Nicole had a raging blood infection. The infection was caused by an unsterilized needle and contributed to her death.

The infection was so serious, it would have killed her if she had not overdosed.

Contrary to speculation, tests show Anna Nicole did not have methadone or any other painkilling drug in her system at the time of her death.

The ENQUIRER learned that just before she left the Bahamas for Florida on February 5, three days before she died, Anna Nicole received an injection in her left buttock.

Tests did not reveal what that substance was.

"As she boarded the plane for Miami, Anna Nicole developed a painful abscess at the site of the injection," said a source with knowledge of the case. "The needle wasn't sterile. The pain kept getting worse as the abscess got larger and larger very quickly."

From Miami, Anna Nicole and her live-in lawyer Howard K. Stern traveled to Hollywood, Fla. The pain from the abscess became excruciating and Anna Nicole developed a high fever.

By the time she got to the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino her fever was 105.

Anna Nicole, unaware that her blood was being poisoned by infection, had also developed a second infection from a virulent form of norovirus, which causes intestinal problems.

It was at this point that Anna Nicole — and her entourage — made a fatal mistake. She refused to go to a hospital, a decision that would have saved her life.

Instead, Anna's people gave her an ice bath to control the fever, administered the antibiotic ciprofloxacin by mouth and gave her an over-the-counter flu medicine.

As the needle-caused infection took over her body, she began vomiting, had severe diarrhea and could not urinate.

On February 6, a Tuesday, Anna spent the whole day in bed. She could not keep fluids down. She was becoming severely dehydrated.

On Wednesday, February 7, Anna seemed somewhat better, but she wasn't, the source said.

"She was still vomiting and suffering diarrhea," said the source. "Again, she spent the whole day in bed, as the abscess continued to grow. She was in such pain, she just wanted to sleep."

And that's when the final fatal mistake was made. Sometime overnight on February 7, Anna ingested the sleeping medication chloral hydrate. The drug is extremely potent. The dose was too much — and in fact it was a toxic level, the ENQUIRER and Star have learned exclusively. On Thursday, February 8, Anna never woke up.

And it goes on from there. This is usually the place where we focus on one part of the story and say something that we think is funny. But this is not a funny story; it's a sad story. So instead we'll move on to a related bit of news: Howard K. Stern is being evicted from Anna Nicole's Bahamian mansion. We really, really hope that Howard (that asshole) will go out for lunch one day (presumably at the local Baby Brains Cafe, which we hear is the very best baby-brain restaurant in the Bahamas) and upon his return to the house he'll find the front lawn littered with his BVDs, fake prescription pads, copies of Asshole Monthly, and creepy surveillance equipment. We also really, really hope that this moment is caught by the paparazzi in both still- and moving-image form.


Remember Anna Nicole's good times at MrSkin.com.