This morning, investigators revealed the cause of Anna Nicole Smith's death at long last. It was not, as we assumed, Howard K. Stern (asshole) in the conservatory with a rope, but lots and lots of accidental drugs and, possibly, a blood-poisoned gluteal abcess due to an injection, in the hotel room by Anna and/or persons unknown. It's comforting to know that Anna Nicole's reputation as one of the major sex symbols of our time will never be tainted by the stink of murder or suicide–only a butt carbuncle.
The news is updating fast and furious at TMZ.com, so we'll give you the highlights as they were posted:
After performing an autopsy, it became clear, Anna Nicole Smith died of an accidental overdose of medication.
Dr. Joshua Perper, the Medical Examiner for Broward County, just announced the 39-year-old former Playboy playmate was taking a number of drugs, including methadone, anti-anxiety drugs among others.
And although it didn't necessarily play a role in her death, she was injected with something in her left bun that got infected and made her ill:
Some of the drugs Anna Nicole Smith had taken were prescribed to her — some under an alias and some prescribed to other people but intended for her. TMZ first reported that a Beverly Hills doctor sent prescriptions to Anna's Bahamas address but they were prescribed for an unknown person.
Dr. Perper says the injection that caused the buttock infection did not in and of itself cause her death. It is unclear who administered the injection that broke the abscess open, but it was not the linchpin of her death.
Still, it created significant health issues for Smith. Dr. Perper says when his team went back and examined Anna Nicole, he found multiple injections in the left buttock and it appeared a needle perforated something under the skin that caused an infection. The needle perforated an abscess and caused the infection that led to a high fever.
She had injected a drug into her left buttock days before her death. Dr. Joshua Perper announced that when Anna Nicole flew to Miami before she died, she was complaining of pain in her left cheek.
She developed chills as she went to the Hard Rock and developed a fever of 105 degrees, but she refused to go to the hospital, a decision that may have proved fatal.
You know who else has been recently suffering from blood poisoning from a dirty puncture? Lily-Rose Depp. Think about that. Yeah. What exactly are we talking about? No idea. Anyway, authorities checked out Anna Nicole's computer and were unable to find anything to suggest that she feared for her life or wanted to commit suicide, so no charges will be filed:
Charlie Tiger, Chief of the Seminole Police Department, just announced there was no evidence of illegal drugs on the day Anna Nicole Smith died and there was no evidence of foul play.
Tiger says the cause of Anna Nicole's death was an accidental overdose.
Chief Tiger adds Howard Stern will not be prosecuted. As TMZ first reported, Stern's computer was checked and there was no evidence of anything untoward.
After enjoying the visual of a furry tiger holding a press conference and growling in an official fashion while cameras flashed, we kicked back with a cool, fizzy glass of Dr. Perper. Man, we're really happy that Dr. Perper and Chief Tiger have come along to save us from our own admittedly embarrassing "Anna Nicole was tubby/dumb/a lady of loose morals" jokes.
UPDATE: Anna Nicole's anus is "unremarkable", says Dr. Perper. On the contrary, we find it quite extraordinary.
Anna Nicole lives on at MrSkin.com.
