9/11: Russell Crowe's Fault

It's official. Now we've heard absolutely everything. Every insane, asinine, self-absorbed-celebrity-related story possible has crossed our desk. Seriously, we're going home. Russell Crowe claims that al Qaeda was plotting to kidnap him.

Crowe explains, "That was the first [time] I'd ever heard the phrase al Qaeda. It was about–and here's another little touch of irony–taking iconographic Americans out of the picture as a sort of cultural destabilization plan." Mind you, this was in early 2001, mere months before Crowe won (God help us) an Oscar for Best Actor for his role in Gladiator. It was also months before that whole plane-crash thingy you might have heard about, which we're sure was a backup plan put in place in case the Russell Crowe kidnapping couldn't be properly executed. Because, really, kidnapping an Australian actor who would need to pick fights with George Clooney four years later just to garner a little attention would have had the same destabilizing effect on the American public as widespread death and destruction.