50 Cent Says: Mazel Tov, Shorty!

So you think you're hot shit in a champagne glass because your dad got the kids from the local high school who had a Foreigner cover band play your bar mitzvah? Well, one Elizabeth Brooks from Long Island has totally faced your ass because her defense contractor daddy, David H. Brooks, shelled out several million to secure some serious talent for his daughter's womanly celebration. We're talking 50 Cent, we're talking Tom Petty, we're talking Ciara, Don Henley, Stevie Nicks, Kenny G, Joe Walsh, and DJ AM. Because, you know, if there's anything in the world 13-year-old girls love, it's Kenny G and Don Henley.

Now, this is just sad. When your dad rents out two entire floors of the Rainbow Room, sends a private jet to fetch Joe Perry and Steven Tyler from their concert in Pittsburgh, and ponies up a reported $10 million to hire some of the hottest musical acts of the mid to late '70s today for your 13th birthday, there's pretty much nowhere to go in your life but down. With each milestone--losing your virginity, getting into your first choice college, wedding, birth of your children, winning the Nobel Prize--you'll say to yourself, "This is pretty sweet. But remember when Stevie Nicks had me join her onstage for the chorus of 'Edge of Seventeen' and then me and Carolyn Silver and Amanda Morgenstern chugged Cristal backstage with Ciara?" And 50 Cent? Well, surely a buzzy mold of your million-dollar ding-dong is a fine gift for a newly-minted woman, but picturing the thug, the gangsta, the wanksta, the man who was shot 9 times and lived to tell the tale, grinning that shit-eating grin and pumping his fist during the Candle-Lighting Ceremony is blowing our m.f. minds so much right now that we can't do much more than offer you these pictures to look at. We love you, rich people.