2007 VMAs = Very Mundane Awards

So the VMAs were last night. And in between stifled yawns and many, many glasses of Arbor Mist (it's like juice–but with booze!), we made a few observations. First, BeyoncÈ's boobs are really jiggly. Sarah Silverman is still not funny just because she's mean (AND she has now made us feel sympathy for Paris Hilton TWICE, and for that she must pay). We are old and completely out of touch and have no idea who this Chris Brown fellow is, but boy can dance (though he can't lip sync worth a damn). Kid Rock and Tommy Lee need to chill the fuck out; we're sure Pammy would still screw them both so there's no need to fight over who gets the privilege. Some people were walking around with little silver statues, but we're not sure why; maybe they were cool new accessories, like Kanye West's sunglasses. Dr. Dre looked like he shopped for his awards-show duds in the closet of either Hans or Franz. Rihanna's dress was really, really tight and her hair was inexplicably awesome.

Oh yeah, Britney. Duh. Nobody's talking about it this morning, so it totally slipped our mind. If you don't already know it's Britney, bitch, you can watch the stellar performance here. For days, maybe even weeks, we had been mentally preparing ourselves for a performance that Britney promised would be "shocking". Yet there was no voodoo sacrifice, no magical illusions, not even any simulated live sex. It was basically a rehashing of her "Slave 4 U" video but with less energy, less sweat, and everyone dressed in black instead of bright hues. We've seen more shocking–and more entertaining–performances on CSPAN.