“You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?”

When we heard the words “Bronson Pinchot interview” we assumed that we had stumbled upon a news story from 1988 and we would next be reading  about Oliver North. But no, Balki Bartokomous is still a big draw in 2009, especially when he’s telling The Onion’s A.V. Club about what a closeted queen Tom Cruise is.

He was tense and made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments, like, “You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people there?” I mean, his lingo was larded with the most… There was no basis for it. It was like, “It’s a nice day, I’m glad there are no gay people standing here.” Very, very strange.

Years and years later when people started to torment him with that, I used to think “God, that’s really fitting, because he tormented a lot of people as a 20-year-old.” He made such a big deal about it. Same thing with Eddie Murphy—I remember somebody calling and saying, “You’ll never guess who was just caught with a transvestite!” [Laughs.] And I remember thinking that seemed fitting, because there are certain people in showbiz who make it an agenda, every third sentence has to have something knocking that life choice, and you think, “What are you doing?”

That sounds like a Tom Cruise that we would find compelling. Think about it. “Katie is wonderful, amazing, beautiful” repeated ad nauseam is way less interesting than “I like chicken Kiev, except when gay people smell like horse tails.”

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