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filed under: Anna Nicole Smith
June 23, 2008
"And This Is the Bustier Mommy Wore When She Spread Her Legs on the White Fur Rug"
At a recent auction of the late Anna Nicole Smith's things, her former boyfriend and inseminator Larry Birkhead shelled out $3000 for her lingerie--a pink bustier and white negligee ANS wore for a Playboy shoot. No, he's not into transvestism (though the highlights make us wonder)--he was buying them for their baby girl, Dannielynn. Of course! Larry explained:
"I have a lot of history I have to put together that she doesn't really know about. Playboy was such a big part of Anna's career. You know, it's not something I can show today, but something down the road. It's not going to be in any bedtime stories anytime soon."Oh, but when it does, what a glorious fairy tale it will make! "Once upon a time there lived a little girl named Vickie Lynn. Vickie wanted to get away from the evil troll with a crustache so she planted magic beans in her chest and danced around an enchanted pole at a castle called Jaguars. Then she met a wizened king named J. Howard Marshall who took Vickie Lynn and gave her diamonds and rubies and beautiful gowns. But then he died and she met a bad monster named Howard who wanted to take all her rubies and diamonds and gowns. After traveling to the land of Trimspa, Vickie's son, Prince Danny, died fighting a dragon named Methadone. And then Vickie went to sleep for a very, very long time. Oh, and here are her panties." more »
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November 26, 2007
Mr. Skin's Best Nude Scenes of 2007!
2007 will be known for a lot of things. The year we lost the incandescent talent that is Anna Nicole Smith. The year of the Virginia Tech massacre. The year Tony Blair retired. And much more importantly, a year filled with wobbling, pink-nipped bosoms floating like parade floats--really sexy parade floats--across movie screens worldwide. This was truly a banner year for cinematic skin, and who better to wrap up the greatest nude scenes of 2007 than Mr. Skin? Today, he released his much-skinticipated list of his top 20 favorites of the year, and if you'd like to release a thing or two of your own, do check it out. Will your favorite scene make the list? Will you be so infuriated that you need to fill out our comment form and register your outrage across cyberspace? Let Mr. Skin's Best Nude Scenes of 2007 be your guide to DVDs you'd like to receive from Santa. And, as an added bonus, the list is 100% Britney-free!
September 04, 2007
Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern More than BFFs: Secret Gay Lovers
Late last week we were made giddy by the prospect of Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern (that asshole) being in cahoots. We thought that by this point in the whole Anna Nicole saga there couldn't be any more surprises, that we could see every impossible twist coming. But holy shit were we wrong. We should have been able to say, "Of course Larry and Howie were stuffing Anna's maw full of pills then stuffing their own maws full of each other's penises." We should have seen it coming. Well, next time we'll be ready. When the zombiefied body of Anna Nicole comes back to reclaim Dannielynn and all her money, we'll be expecting that one.Totally gaytastic drawing of Larry and Howard via Pretty on the Outside. more »
August 31, 2007
Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern: Secret BFFs
There is almost nothing we love more than a juicy Hollywood conspiracy. RFK actually killed Marilyn Monroe? Sweet. Catherine Zeta-Jones is really 82 years old and being kept alive by hourly pigeon-shit injections? We'd believe it. But the best one of all may be the possibility that Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern have been in cahoots the entire time! Cahoots! Outrageous! The New York Daily News reports: An angry Larry Birkhead has vowed to sue author Rita Cosby, days before an explosive tell-all is set to hit bookstores. In "Blonde Ambition," Cosby charts the convoluted custody battle between Birkhead and lawyer Howard K. Stern, who both claimed paternity of Anna Nicole Smith's baby girl, Dannielynn. And while Cosby has not released details of the book before its Sept. 4 publication, it is believed she will allege Birkhead and Stern were secretly in collusion over the child. Dannielynn, who turns 1 on Sept. 7, could inherit hundreds of millions from the estate of Smith's late husband, J. Howard Marshall. "None of it is true," Birkhead told The News' Jo Piazza yesterday. "I'm gonna sue Rita Cosby for it." In March, Birkhead acrimoniously split with his attorney Debra Opri. She later sued for allegedly unpaid fees, though Birkhead insists it is she who owes him money. Birkhead said he believes Opri was the source of documents Cosby obtained, "so I am going to be suing both Debra and Rita Cosby. The bottom line is Rita Cosby needed something to do. She got fired [from MSNBC in 2006], and nobody wanted her." Meanwhile, OK! magazine severed ties with Birkhead over the Cosby allegations. The weekly was to have featured coverage of Dannielynn's first birthday as the final part of a $1.7 million access deal. Editor Sarah Ivens said: "It breaks my heart that OK! has to pull out of [the] shoot ... but first and foremost, we care dearly about the well-being of the young one, and my moral obligation lies with her.... My biggest fear is that Larry and Howard may have tricked us all."This makes us so giddy that we can't even think of a joke. And since Larry Birkhead and (especially) Howard K. Stern (that asshole) are jokes themselves, we think the story stands. We just have one question: If they were in it together all along, trying to create as much publicity buzz as possible to get Extra and OK! and whatnot to hand over piles of cash, why couldn't they have taken it even farther? Would it have killed them to gift us with a Jell-O wrestling match?
April 10, 2007
Still No Daddy for Dannielynn; Candy Spelling Weighs In
We have bitten our fingernails to bloody nubs, pulled out every last strand of hair, and ground our teeth down to meth-addict stumps in anticipation, but, alas, the Bahamas do not play by our rules of time and work and order. Sure, we were supposed to find out if Larry Birkhead's sperm penetrated one of Anna Nicole Smith's eggs a few hours ago, but the judge had to go smoke a doob or sacrifice a goat or whatever it is that people do in the Bahamas, so we don't know shit. If everyone involved can leave their grass huts and stop sipping Bacardi long enough to show up in court we'll know the answer sometime after 2:30 Eastern. So until then, bask in Candy Spelling's wise words of advice to Larry Birkhead: 1) The hair, Larry: Most of the time, your hair looks great, and I'm sure you spend a lot of time getting it right. Just be warned that you might look good every day for a month. But the one day you leave in a hurry and don't pay enough attention, or you get a little wild with an untested new style -- photos will be taken that will haunt you forever.The rest of Candy's sage words can be found at TMZ, and, no, there is nothing in there about how much time you will save by having an entire room filled with wrapping paper, silk ribbons, and pastel-colored crepe paper.
UPDATE: And it's the shocker of the century as Larry Birkhead is revealed as Dannielynn's father. The whole Anna Nicole saga with the drugs and the death and the mystery and the money has been so convoluted and so full of twists that we half expected a talking kangaroo named Jimbo to emerge at the last minute as the true father. We're kind of disappointed, actually.
April 09, 2007
Dannielynn's Da-Da Revealed . . . Real Soon Now, We Promise
We don't have it in our hearts and minds and spirits to look deep inside ourselves and come up with fresh Anna Nicole Smith material, so this is just a little post-it note to let you know that tomorrow, at long, long last, the mouth swabs will be tallied Montel-style and baby Dannielynn's sirer will be revealed. Howard K. Stern (asshole) tells TMZ that if Larry Birkhead is found to be the father, Howard will not fight for custody of the beleaguered tot. Great. Thanks for that, big guy. If he did, it would be like the time that lady at the bus stop was eating a falafel but it fell on the ground so we picked it up and started eating it. And then the lady got really mad and said that it was her falafel and we said, no, no, we bought the falafel. A fight ensued and we launched into a bitter battle over the falafel. Forensics experts were brought in, and it went all the way to the Supreme Court. In the end, we were awarded custody of the falafel but by then it was riddled with mold. Actually, that story had very little to do with the custody hearing for Dannielynn, aside from the fact that both she and the falafel are deep-fried balls of crunchy chickpea goodness. Yum! more »
March 26, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith Cause of Death, Revealed!
This morning, investigators revealed the cause of Anna Nicole Smith's death at long last. It was not, as we assumed, Howard K. Stern (asshole) in the conservatory with a rope, but lots and lots of accidental drugs and, possibly, a blood-poisoned gluteal abcess due to an injection, in the hotel room by Anna and/or persons unknown. It's comforting to know that Anna Nicole's reputation as one of the major sex symbols of our time will never be tainted by the stink of murder or suicide--only a butt carbuncle. more »
March 23, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith's Death Secrets Revealed!
Medical examiner Joshua Perper isn't set to announce Anna Nicole Smith's cause of death until Monday morning (according to TMZ), but that won't stop Star and The National Enquirer from telling you that they know the answers. The tabs talked to this guy who is Perper's sister-in-law's manicurist's cousin's pool boy, and he said she was bitten by a rabid helper monkey she had hired to replace Howard K. Stern. Well, they convinced us! more »
March 20, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "Why Don't You Fuck Your Whole Movie?"
• Lily Tomlin thinks David O. Russell is a "motherfucker". David O. Russell thinks Lily Tomlin is a "cunt" and a "bitch". They Hate Huckabees! Two awesomely NSFW clips here. If you only watch one video of a comedienne and an overrated director trading cruel barbs and throwing set dressing around this year, make it this one.• YO, Samantuh! Ay oh, oh ay, you're showin' some cleave!
• Vince Vaughn: now 87% more bloated and stinky and crazy!
• Shanna and Travis. Reuinted and it feels so good. Together again, naturally. Baby, just one more try. And so forth and so on.
• Tara Reid eschews bra, trots out those Frankenteats yet again.
• Leonardo DiCaprio held peace talks with Israel's Vice Premier. Because if anyone can stop the fighting with Palestine, it's the homeless kid from Growing Pains.
• Paris and Jenna Jameson compare Fraggle weaves; vaginal chancres.
• We once made fun of Rose McGowan's strange new face. As it turns out, she almost lost her eye in an accident. Yarrr!
• The secret diaries of Anna Nicole are up for auction. "Deer diery. today i waked up and i eated some pasghetti. then i layd down on my can a pee bed and take a nap. then it was time for diner then i had sex with some gies. xoxox"
• Heigl kinda sounds like heinie.
• Salma Hayek sports the Ugly Betty/Love Story hybrid maternity look.
• The Dunst just Razorlights up a room, doesn't she?
March 07, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "Spread 'em!"
• Courtney Love says she saw a gigantic pile of white powder at Paris Hilton's birthday party. So? It was just talc for Paris's new orange body/chalk face kabuki look (left).• Elizabeth Hurley got married. So . . . that's great. For her. Good job, or something.
• Sienna Miller says, "This year is the Year of the Slut! Spread 'em! That's my motto for 2007." Chinese New Year was just a few weeks ago, try. Now, we can't remember, is the Year of the Slut before or after the Year of the Tiger?
• Drop a little sumthin down some celebrity plumber's baby's daddy, too, LOL!" Yes, yes, O.J., we see you, honey. Yes, we're paying attention. That's very nice, sweetheart.
• Nicole Kidman pooped her bikini bottoms! Aw, we're just jerking your bird--it's just sand. Sandy poop!
• And speaking of sand, Shauna Sand seems to have lost her bra, along with the "Lamas".
• Eva Mendes, nude yet covered, featuring curious, hairless, cleave-less, poreless Barbie crotch.
• Britney is reportedly "struggling" in rehab. Apparently, she didn't know that there wasn't any ecstasy in there, y'all!
• Nicole Richie's boyfriend punched a lady in the titty!!!
• The power of voodoo. Who do? Angelina do. Do what? The voodoo.
March 01, 2007
R.I.P. A.N.S.: Funeral Tomorrow
After all the legal wrangling, haggling, and scrabbling between Larry Birkhead, Virgie Arthur, and Howard K. Stern (that asshole), it has been decided that Anna Nicole Smith will finally be buried next to her son Daniel in the Bahamas tomorrow. IMDb.com reports:
Virgie Arthur challenged a ruling to bury Smith in Nassau, and her appeal was heard yesterday morning. But judges at Florida's Fourth District Court Of Appeals overruled Arthur's bid for custody of her daughter's remains late yesterday, re-awarding the corpse to attorney Richard Milstein, the legally-appointed guardian to Smith's baby daughter Dannielynn. Milstein, Smith's companion Howard K. Stern and her ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead had already agreed to bury the late model in the Bahamas, her adopted home."Awarding the corpse" is such a strange turn of phrase. "Yaaay! I won!!!" But we're just glad that Anna's wishes were taken into consideration and that her body will be laid to rest next to her son. This is not the first time that Anna Nicole's body has been laid, but it will certainly be the last. Zing! Oh, we hate ourselves. more »
February 28, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: A Banjo, Some Clothing, a Gold Record
• Just a reminder: Jennifer Love Hewitt still has enormous bewbs.• Those pictures of AI's Antonella Barba smoking some dude's dork are fakes. But weep not, for it will still be entertaining to see the shame in her eyes as she belts out some Diane Warren song tonight.
• When we see a headline about Paris Hilton getting impounded, we generally take that to mean "in the butt", not her car.
• Naomi Watts is 100% with child. You know Nicole Kidman is seething with jealousy.
• Cameron Diaz's butt cleave threatens to devour her bikini bottoms in one chomp.
• Wolfgang Puck serves up a hearty lamb-and-hepatitis stew to half of Hollywood.
• Dannielynn Has Two Daddies.
• Britney's problem might be post-partum depression. Solution: make Jayden James pay.
• "It was a dark and stormy night. One of my streetwalking employees just sat on Bruce Willis's face." Breathtaking prose from a former Hollywood madam!
• Kate Moss continues to show excellent judgment by allowing Pete Doherty to move into her home. He brought with him a banjo, clothing, a gold record, and a big pile of crack.
• Lohan's got the DTs. Or she's just scared, whatever.
• You'll have to wait just a little bit longer to
• Anna Nicole might have died from being loopy! Oh, wait, no. Lupus. Lupus.
February 23, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: . . . and the Sorcerer's Bone
• Patricia Heaton is a conservative, but her dress sure ain't.• Scratch your head in wonder as you ponder the bizarre flap of flesh that resides between Janet Jackson's ubiquitous implants.
• Anna Nicole's former assistant, the beloved Kimmie, will be opening up tonight--for real this time--on The Insider. Pat O'Brien is gonna go fuckin' crazy with her.
• Anna Nicole will be buried next her her son in the Bahamas, it's been decided. Finally.
• Are Angelina and Brad presently purchasing the next member of their Benetton brood?
• Harry Potter proudly waves his trouser wand; doesn't make foreskin disappear. Make your own hung/horse joke here. NSFW.
• We had pretty much decided against posting any shots of the paparazzi bothering Britney Spears during her breakdown. But then we saw these shots/video of buzz-shorn B attacking a pap's SUV with an umbrella and had to share because 1. she looks, awesomely and deliciously, like her lesbian soccer team just lost a match and she felt compelled to deface her opponent's vehicle, and 2. we think she needs to call us immediately because we want to start an oi band with her.
February 22, 2007
What, You Don't Party With YOUR Methadone Doctor?
Keeping up with Anna Nicole coverage has become, for us, a Sisyphean task. We feel like Beastmaster slowly sinking into quicksand, only we have no charming rodent cohorts to lend us a tree branch and pull us from the muck. So we're just going to pick one update and go with it today: this video of Anna getting groped and licked by her methadone-prescribing Dr. Nick, Sandeep Kapoor. Watch as Larry Birkhead stares stonily, while Howard K. Stern (asshole!) tries to intervene, and ANS shoos him away like he's a bothersome moth. Oh, Anna. If only she had heeded the words of Mötley Crüe! He's not what you'd call a glamorous man! Dr. Feelgood might be the one that makes ya feel all right, but in the end, he's gonna be your Frankenstein! more »
February 21, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "Never Killed a Pot Head"
• Stallone steroid scandal. Stallone steroid scandal. Stallone steroid scandal. Say it five times fast.• Tyra Banks recreates her iconic swimsuit issue cover shot. Too bad her face looks like she's dropping a log in her bikini bottoms.
• Gretchen Carlson finally lends credibility to FOX News with a liberal view of her panty-clad crotchial area. Did you catch that? Liberal! Haw haw?
• Brody Jenner is pissed that Details insinuated he was using Nicole Richie, but says it's all good because he has "broad shoulders". Wait, what?
• Watch in rapturous wonder as Jewel nearly drops a forkful of food down her cavernous chest chasm.
• Anna Nicole's death is a lot like her life: with a bunch of creepy men all fighting over her body.
• Speaking of Anna Nicole, her small, purple-haired, Broom Hilda lookalike tuff gal former assistant Kimmie speaks out, accusing Howard K. Stern of being an asshole!
• Or not.
• Michelle Rodriguez "never killed a pot head".
• Naomi Watts is likely preggo via Liev Schreiber, who ejaculated semen into her vagina.
February 20, 2007
Druggy the Clown
As we speak, Howard K. Stern (that asshole) is in court, along with embattled probable babydaddy Larry Birkhead and Anna Nicole's estranged mother Virgie Arthur, so a judge can determine ANS's final resting place. It's a sobering time and a true tragedy when people can't even come together to decide where a poor deceased woman would want to be buried. It's depressing and tragic all around. We've spent the morning sadly shaking our heads, our eyes filling with salty--HEY! LOOK! HAHAHAHAHA! FUNNY CLOWNS!Oh, wait. That wasn't funny. That was still tragic and depressing. Our b!
more »
February 19, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith's Body Embalmed, Ready for Gram Parsons-like Snatching Caper
Get ready for the first funeral to ever get live full coverage from Entertainment Tonight: Anna Nicole Smith's body has finally been embalmed. more »
February 16, 2007
Anna Nicole Bared Her Breasts and Genitals for Men and Women
As much as we'd like to just relax and cold kick it with a bottle of Kabbalah water, and chill out while waiting for Anna Nicole toxicology reports/paternity test results, we can't help but fuel the rumors, because we're nebbynosed blatherskites and that's what we do. Today's updates bring us prison correspondence, predestined funereal garb, and a tribute straight from the sparklingly overglossed lips of Bobby Trendy!• According to the NY Daily News, Anna had become "obsessed" with dying in the weeks leading up to her demise and had contacted a seamstress to prepare a funeral gown. It will be an understated hot pink with an appropriate neckline modestly covering the nipples, yet baring the tops of the areolae.
• TMZ has receipts showing that ANS purchased methadone, demerol, and injectable B-12 while she was 8 months pregnant. But hey, let's not jump the gun. It doesn't say anywhere that she took them, she just bought them. Maybe they were a gift. A baby shower gift. For herself. To take.
• Another possible Dannielynn daddy has stepped forward. No, it's not David Crosby, it's Mark "Hollywood" Hatten, a former fling of Anna Nicole's, who wrote to TMZ and Extra that he provided ANS with a sperm sample several years ago. The only thing this proves is that when the sobering task of claiming paternity comes up, it's best addressed via alternating pastel pen colors on a yellow legal pad.
• Anna's super ultra mega faaaabbbbulous interior designer, Bobby Trendy has finally broken his silence and offered this tender tribute to his titanic ta-ta'ed former employer: "Thank Anna for making me famous. When you think of Anna, think of red, white and pink hearts. She was love as she taught love. She was the breadwinner and supported four people by baring her breasts and genitals for men and women. She was an entertainer who will be missed." If that doesn't go on Anna's headstone, can we steal it and have it engraved on ours? more »