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filed under: Angelina Jolie

August 04, 2008

The Jolie-Pitt Twins Say Hello! to All You People

angelina_jolie_twins_1.jpgSo if a Gorgon is so hideous that looking at her turns one's face to stone, what's the opposite? Because Vivienne and Knox, the dual totems of the mingling of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and their flawless DNA, are available for your perusal today. You may want to sport sunglasses or peer at People and Hello! from behind the safety of a crack between your fingers, lest your eyeballs melt clean off your face. People reports:
"It is chaos, but we are managing it and having a wonderful time," Jolie tells People of daily life at the Château Miraval in Provence, France, where the couple's four older children – Maddox, 6, Pax, 4, Zahara, 3, and Shiloh, 2 – have been enjoying a summer of outdoor play (hide-and-seek is a favorite) on the château's sprawling grounds.

Adds Pitt: "[It's] still a cuckoo's nest."

Fortunately, they already have some household helpers. "[Shiloh] and Z pick out [the twins'] clothes and help change and hold them," says Jolie. "It's sweet – they are little mommies."
The odd thing is that the Wondertwins don't appear to be sporting Jolie lips on the cover of People, but on Hello!, they are. And the fact that Brad couldn't be bothered to wash his hair or shave that hideous 1995 goatee for the first family portrait with his newborns. Those poor kids probably think their dad is in Sugar Ray.

hello_knox_vivienne.jpg


Aw riiiiight, More pics! Shiloooohhhh! more »
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August 01, 2008

Knox and Vivienne Get Their First Multi-Million-Dollar Paycheck

angelina_jolie_brad_pitt_zahara_ice_cream.jpg The messiahs are coming! The messiahs are coming! Will their cheeks be as bitably marshmallowy as Shiloh's? Will the makeup artists be able to properly shine their halos? Will their angel wings fit into baby couture without unsightly bunching? Oh, the questions! Reports WWD:
Brangelina sure love People magazine — or at least the checks the weekly keeps writing the celebrity couple. The title has again scored the exclusive North American rights to photos of Brad Pitt’s and Angelina Jolie’s latest children — new twins Knox Léon and Vivienne Marcheline. On Tuesday night, JustJared.com reported People will publish the photos, and a source close to the deal confirmed the news Thursday night. Hello bought the international rights. People and Hello will unveil the photos on Monday, two days earlier than People’s usual newsstand drop day. The price for the photos was a reported $10 million to $15 million, which, assumably, People and Hello will split in some manner.
$15 million may seem like a lot of money, but think about it. Brad and Ang each reportedly earned $20 million for Mr. and Mrs. Smith, which probably took them roughly three months to film. These babies took nine months to cook up, and two of them popped out. That's like if at the end of filming two movies miraculously appeared in theaters. Really, if you look at it that way, the Jolie-Pitts are getting ripped off. $40 million + three months = Mr. and Mrs. Smith. But $15 million + nine months = Knox and Vivienne? That just doesn't add up. By CelebNewsWire's highly scientific calculations, those tykes should've pulled in about $160 million. The twins better start trying a little harder to keep up with the family's financial expectations. more »
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July 25, 2008

Knox and Vivienne Jolie-Pitt Have Bar Codes

angelina_twins_brad_preggo.jpgWhen you're rich and beautiful, you can do anything. Everything except bake up a pair of genetically gifted twins via the old penis-into-vagina way. Although we might all believe that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt live a life of magical lust, where all fruit of their loins springs forth speaking ancient tongues and healing lepers with a touch, it turns out that newborn twins Knox and Vivienne were made by some doctors in a lab after they pulled out Angie's eggs and Brad jizzed into a cup. US mag claims:
Forget Mother Nature – Us Weekly reports in its new issue, on newsstands now, that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt turned to fertility treatments to quickly conceive twins Knox and Vivienne.

"They conceived through in vitro fertilization," a well-placed source within their camp tells Us. "They both desperately wanted more babies soon."

The chance of having fraternal twins at Angelina's age (33) naturally is under 1 percent; with in vitro, the chances are 25 percent. Says Dr. Arthur Wisot of L.A.'s Reproductive Medical Group (who did not treat the couple), "We live in an era of reproductive freedom, so anybody can do anything they want within legal limits."

The actress chose the procedure (which can cost around $12,000 a pop) so "she wouldn't have to deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant," the source tells Us. "She could just knock it out."
Being a doctor in a fertility lab would be a fun job. We hope Angelina and Brad's doctor had a nice sense of humor and actually used Gary Busey sperm and the eggs from Hatchetface from Cry-Baby. Let's see how much you love a couple of kids who don't look like adorable ragamuffin urchins from a third world, do-gooders! more »
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July 21, 2008

Jordan: Budding Movie-Mogul Genius

jordan_kate_price_sequined_feathered_superhero.jpg In the world of celebrity biopics, there are good choices and bad choices. Sissy Spacek as Loretta Lynn in Coal Miner's Daughter? Pretty spot on. Angelina Jolie as Jordan? We don't think so. It would probably be a better match to cast an ostrich in the role. As long as the ostrich had Mr. Ed-like lip-moving abilities. And volleyball-sized breast implants. Our own celebrity-impression specialist, FemaleFirst, says of the erstwhile Katie Price:
Jordan wants Angelina Jolie to play her in a film of her life.

The British model and TV star, real name Katie Price, thinks the stunning actress would be the perfect choice to portray her on the big screen.

She also has a specific leading man in mind to play husband Peter Andre.

Jordan said: "I do really want to do a film about my life. I'm thinking Angelina Jolie could be me and Keanu Reeves for Pete."
You know, we think that Jordan's casting decisions are so terrible that we're going to continue on with our idea of populating a Jordan/Peter Andre biopic with members of the animal kingdom. We think a badger could possibly capture the essence of Peter, as long as that badger waxed his chest and studied Derek Zoolander's Blue Steel really, really hard. Does the Academy give out Oscars for casting? Because we think we've pretty much got that award in the bag.
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July 14, 2008

Move Over Shiloh; You've Got Some Competition

angelina_jolie_pregnant_and_scary.jpg We've been gypped. Somewhere along the line some lonely blogger with a neglected boner heard the words "Angelina Jolie" and "twins" and immediately started to resurrect his very detailed Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield fantasies, only with poutier lips and billions more dollars. And somehow that rumor spread, until everyone on the interwebs thought it was fact that the Jolie-Pitt kiddies would pop out sans baby wieners. Not so. Angie was cut open on Saturday, and one messianic boy and one female bundle of perfection were pulled out. Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline now join the ranks of Max and Emme Anthony and Phinnaeus and Hazel not-Roberts as A-list mixed-sex twins. Way to go, Angie. We thought you had more individuality in you. Like maybe you'd blow everyone's minds and birth twin raccoons named Bandit and Scamp. Brad really has turned you conventional.

You may be racked with sadness over the missed opportunity to polish off you old Olsen twins countdown-to-legal-twincest calendar for a greater purpose, but you know who's even sadder about this birth than you? Jon Voight. Sure, as soon as he heard the announcement during a Living Lohan commercial break on E! he was on the phone with every press contact in his Rolodex (which by the way looks like this: New York Daily News, New York Post, People, Star, Us Weekly, James Van Der Beek, and a couple of pages marked "Angie" and "James" with the contact info left blank). He gushed and gushed about how happy he was for his daughter, telling The Insider:
"I'm over the moon - it's magnificent. In this world, all we can hope for is that mommy and the kids are healthy. I'm very excited. If I were called today, I'd be there."
We're pretty sure that as soon as that phone call ended he cried into his Hungry Man dinner. But we can't really feel sorry for him. We're guessing that if that call from Angelina ever comes, Jon will equip himself with high-tech hidden cameras a la a John Stossel investigation and sell the footage to Access Hollywood. more »
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July 02, 2008

World Still Waiting for Twingelinas

angelina_jolie_pregnant_twins.jpgIt's another sadly twinless day for Brangelina freaks. Angelina Jolie has indeed been admitted to a hospital in the south of France, but her dual fetii have not yet stormed the bastille of her womb. This morning, her obstetrician, Michael Sussman, held a press conference (!!!) to assure the world that Angelina was doing great and still awaiting the birth of her babies sometime in the next two weeks. People reports:
Angelina Jolie's obstetrician, Dr. Michel Sussmann, assured the press at a news conference in the South of France Wednesday that all is well with the expectant mom, and that she and Brad Pitt want the world to know that everything's going as expected regarding the impending delivery. "Everything is normal," the obstetrician said in French, as he also said in English, "She is very well, and she's okay."

"It is simply a visit of surveillance, no birth," Sussmann said of his patient, who entered the hospital over the weekend. "Brad and Angie want everyone to know that everything is going well."

Saying that Jolie's "very, very nice," the doctor added, "She will stay in the hospital until the birth. I will stay with her."
"Indeed," said the doctor, licking his lips and rubbing his hands together, "She is nice. Very nice. Very, very, very nice. I will stay with her. In a locked tower I have constructed where we will live together as man and wife for all eternity, ruling from our tower of lust! Our loins shall be locked in passion forever! She is mine! Mine!" before pulling a sweaty, folded photograph of the actress from his back pocket and stroking it, crooning, "Soon, my pet. Soon." more »
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July 01, 2008

Brangelina Birthin' Babies?

angelina jolie brad pitt wyclef jean.jpg Today might be the day that two new Jolie-Pitts entered the world. Or maybe it isn't. Whether or not the rumors are true, it's all just a bunch of French people talking, and we still don't trust the French, because they hate freedom and democracy and apple pie and Burger King and beer guts. So we'll wait until we get an official announcement from good old Amuricuns like People magazine. But until then, The Huffington Post scoops the poop:
A French magazine reported on its website Wednesday morning that Angelina Jolie has given birth to her twins. She and Brad Pitt have been holed up in the South of France since May, having recently moved into Chateau Miraval with their four kids.

According to Closer:

En exclusivite mondiale, Closer est en mesure de vous annoncer qu'Angelina Jolie aurait accouché ce matin dans un hôpital français ! La star serait rentrée hier soir en salle de travail. Toute reproduction interdite sans la mention du site closermag.fr

Translation: Angelina went into labor Tuesday night and gave birth this (Wednesday) morning in a French hospital.

Angelina has "reportedly" given birth before, with "Entertainment Tonight" claiming she did a month ago and refusing to back down. But, Brad Pitt has traveled a lot since, doubtful if he had two preemie twins at home, and In Touch has pictures of a still-pregnant Jolie last week.
We're inclined to believe that this is total bullshit. Because the world waiting for the birth of the sexiest twin girls in history is kind of like a sixteen-year-old boy being in the presence of a naked girl for the first time. He's so damn excited that he's finally going to get his bone wet in something other than his mom's jar of cold cream (and, no, that's not a euphemism) that he gets to the main event about forty minutes too soon. So stuff it back in your collective pants, you Brangelina lovers, and think about baseball or Bugs Bunny or something. Unless of course you're turned on by baseball and/or Bugs Bunny (he was pretty damn sexy when he put on a dress, we'll admit), in which case you'll have to resort to the whole grandma on the toilet strategy of deflating your dong. And if you're turned on by that, you've got Amy Winehouse-level problems.

UPDATE: According to Us Weekly Angie's still incubating the tots but has indeed entered a French hospital. Two wee ones will be living out countless men's sicko fantasies any moment now. more »
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June 16, 2008

Angelina Jolie: She'll Cut You! She'll Cut You Good!

angelina jolie knife apple.jpg Though she may be full to the brim with pretty, pretty babies at the moment, Angelina Jolie wants you to remember that she used to be some sort of wild reckless goth chick. You know, before she was a super sexy cross between Mother Teresa and Mia Farrow. She was so cutting-edge (har har), in fact, that she had a super nifty knife collection when she was fourteen that she used to cut things into her boyfriend. Things like "Roxette Rules!" we're guessing. Whether or not Ang had a nice gathering of dragon figurines to keep her knife collection company is still under speculation. According to our own personal Dungeon Master, FemaleFirst:
Angelina Jolie has revealed she is scarred after "experimenting" with knives with an ex-boyfriend in bed.

The actress - who is currently expecting twins with partner Brad Pitt - says the incident, which caused scarring on her abdomen and thigh, happened when she was 14 and "curious about vampires"

She said: "When I was 14, I collected knives. My first boyfriend and I ended up getting into some fighting in bed and being silly. People think that happens every time I go to bed.

"It was actually something he never wanted to do again. It was a mistake and we really hurt ourselves. It was just being young, you know, when you're curious about vampires and that kind of thing. Just experimenting. It was an accident and I ended up in the hospital."
We're fairly certain that Angie has left the knifeplay in the past, as Brad Pitt would probably emit a high-pitched scream and bury his head under a couple of pillows if he saw Angelina coming at him with a knife in bed.

And in case you still need proof that Angelina is a kick-ass sexy broad, IMDb dishes:
Scottish actor James McAvoy let Hollywood beauty Angelina Jolie take "control" when they filmed an on-screen kiss for new movie Wanted.

The Atonement star admits he was worried about locking lips with the gorgeous actress, but Jolie helped put him at ease by taking charge of the situation.

He says, "I was nervous but after five minutes I thought this is going to be all right, it's cool. She was in very good shape.

"It could be anybody when you're kissing someone on film, you have to make it look good. She's pretty much in control of the situation."
What did you expect her to be like? She's not exactly the type to lie back and say, "Yeah, whatever you want to do is fine with me, as long as you're finished by the time Letterman's monologue starts." more »
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June 12, 2008

Fetuses Make Brangelina Horny

angelina_jolie_preggo_brad_red_carpet.jpgMost married couples' sex lives suffer--or, at the very least, slide a bit--after they become parents. Exhaustion, irritability, and a constant stream of Wiggles music in the background aren't really conducive to making whoopee. This is true for nearly everyone, except, of course, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Yes, even amongst a pile of diapers laden with kiddie-stools and Pax and Maddox punching each other, these two still have a healthy urge to join groins passionately. In an interview for the new issue of Entertainment Weekly, Angelina extols the virtues of pregnancy sex:
"It's great for the sex life. It just makes you a lot more creative. So you have fun, and as a woman you're just so round and full."
For real. Nothing gets the old creative juices (and sexy juices!) flowing quite like wondering if that stuff is semen or mucus plug, or figuring out ways to steer your wiener around giant, pendulous hemorrhoids. Pregnancy is the new DP! more »
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May 30, 2008

A Double Shot of Brangelina Baby Love?

angelina_brad_preg_cannes.jpgAs if it's not upsetting enough that Shiloh Jolie-Pitt's exalted spot as the hottest thing in Huggies has been usurped by TWO new Brangelina fetii. Now it's possible that Angelina and Brad's twins might have actually been born on Sunday, thereby effectively leaving Shiloh's birthday, which was Tuesday, in the shadows. Maybe. Highly dubious reporting from OK!:
There may be nothing more than wishful thinking to reports coming out of France this morning that Angelina Jolie, who was due to give birth to twins some time in the next three to four weeks, has indeed already delivered her fifth and sixth children.

According to rumors, the Oscar-winner gave birth on Sunday in a Catholic clinic in the Aix-En-Provence region of France. No further details are forthcoming at this moment.
Normally when we hear horseshit about the "miracle of life" and the "beauty of childbirth" we roll our eyes, but Angelina Jolie giving birth would probably actually be pretty sexy. Creamy thighs splayed, womanly juices aspill, deep, throaty moans being emitted, Brad Pitt flexing bedside. It would basically be like 9 1/2 Weeks only with epidurals.

UPDATE: ETOnline says it's true, and we're not ones to argue with Mary Hart, though they are reporting that the twins are named Isla Marcheline and Amelie Jane, which sounds way too normal for the Branges.

ANOTHER UPDATE: People says no way, not true. We trust People because they have nice stories about heroic dogs. more »
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May 29, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Hopelessly Devoted to Food

britney_high_ponytail.jpgBritney might star in Grease on Broadway. Well, she's certainly got the "grease" part down. (Daily Stab)

Mischa Barton is refusing to promote her t.a.t.u. movie. Wonder why. (IDLYITW)

• Thank God for Lindsay Lohan's relationship with Samantha Ronson, for it keeps Michael Lohan in the news! (Yeeeah!)

Scarlett Johansson. Naked in a pool. (Egotastic!)

• As Hilary Duff's veneers have shrunk, so has her rack inflated. It's magic! (Cityrag)

Mariah Carey dons her most Mimi-est of rags to kick off Japanese baseball season. Man, what a weird sentence. (Drunken Stepfather)

Pamela Anderson returns to form with the best upskirt she can muster. (Taxi Driver)

Angelina and Brad let their children do whatever while they dunk their sleek, genetically superior forms nakedly into their pool. (The Blemish)

Naomi Campbell to trade glamour for the slammer. (Celebitchy)

Bill Murray's wife says he's a drunk and a stoner and a cheater and a beater. B-b-buh . . . but . . . he's the voice of Garfield! (PopCrunch)

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May 21, 2008

Castor Oil and Never Mind the Pollux Jolie-Pitt

angelina_cannes_pregnant.jpgHere's Angelina Jolie at Cannes, and if she has three more months to go with her pregnancy, than she is going to end up giving birth to twin rhinos. And speaking of the unborn double golden children, Angelina apparenltly has some rather interesting names picked out for them. According to Yeeeah!:
Gemini Angelina reportedly wants to name the babies Castor and Pollox after the twins of her birth sign, but Brad has dismissed the suggestion as he doesn’t want a daughter with a name “like a British cuss word”.
Well, how about a son with a name like a British cuss word? Wanker Jolie-Pitt is really pretty. So is Bugger Jolie-Pitt. How about Cuntish Yobbo Jolie-Pitt? Oh, the possibilities are endless.

angelina_cannes_pregnant-2.jpg angelina_cannes_pregnant_3jpg.jpg angelina_cannes_pregnant_4.jpg
more »
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May 19, 2008

Angelina Jolies Slays Pets and Shirts

angelina_jolie_topless_1.jpgYou might think that writing CelebNewsWire is all rainbows and sunshine, hobnobbing with luminaries like Ted Knight and Pia Zadora, pink champagne toasts and freebie gift bags and invites to nightclubs in Dubuque. And you'd be right, of course, but there's also a sinister side to the glamour. And that's the moral dilemma that comes up when we're faced with posting pictures of an internationally beloved star famed for her philanthropy in a state of undress, pregnant yammos visible and obviously taken by some creepo paparazzo with a serious zoom lens.

When such a situation comes up, we usually hem and haw and weigh the pros and cons and then say screw it and post the pics because we have a weak moral fiber and because we don't want Lily Allen's cooch to be the only Sexy Lady Story of the day. After the cut, Angelina Jolie boobies! more »
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May 15, 2008

Jack Black Ruins Angelina Jolie's Wombly Secret

angelina jolie resists urge to punch jack black.jpg Don't you love it when celebrities confirm things we've known for like three years? But in the case of Angelina Jolie being tricked into admitting she's saddling two specimens of human perfection in her lady chamber, at least she wasn't all, "I'm not pregnant, I swear. I just really love huge billowy dresses all of the sudden," and then finally own up like a month before she popped like a certain zombie-espoused famous lady we know. So way to be more honest than someone there, Ang. Or rather, way to let someone else spill the big news for you, as Jack Black does in the following Today interview. It's long, and it does contain Jack Black doing kung fu kicks and using his "I'm Jack Black and I'm mettttalllll" voice, so to save you the agony, here's the gist of it: Jack Black is a secret-ruining, scraggly, scruffy dillweed. Oh, and so is Dustin Hoffman, possibly minus the scraggly, scruffy part, as he blabbed Angie's due date, which is August 19th. So what does Angie think of her tattletale Kung Fu Panda (ugh) castmates (when the cameras aren't rolling, of course)? Just take a gander at that photo up there; we're pretty sure that Angie boxed Jack about the ears but good as soon as the photog was through. Either that or she really wants Madonna's ropy guns and is trying to achieve that sinewy look through extreme fist exercises.

more »
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May 07, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Megan Fox Gets Plump

megan_fox_lips_plumped.jpgMegan Fox takes "next Angelina Jolie" title literally, gets lipplants. (ONTD)

Elisha Cuthbert stalks the sandy landscape in a bikini; cuddles muscular male; gets handsy with own buttocks. (Drunken Stepfather)

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's wedding photos will be in People. And they talk about being "soul mates". Even though they've known each other for six weeks. (Celebitchy)

• What mysterious pull do these Maddens have? Lindsay Lohan was busted trying to pick up Joel (that's Nicole Richie's Madden, not Paris Hilton's Madden) at a club the other night. There's not enough Maddens to go around. (Yeeeah!)

Angelina Jolie is reportedly going to have twin girls. They'll have their mother's looks and their father's . . . looks. They can't go wrong! (I Don't Like You In That Way)

Amy Winehouse is slowly devolving from soulful songstress to drunken party girl to crackhead to missing link to ape. Photographic evidence exists. (Holy Taco)

Uma Thurman's name begins with a "u". So does the word "upskirt". Aaaand that's the closest we cam come to a joke here. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• In other Lohan news, she's still stealing clothing from her friends. Because when girls' daddies don't love them, the fill up their hearts with pilfered fur. (The Blemish)

Blake Lively may play a high schooler on Gossip Girl, but that rack is alllll freshman year at a state U, baby. (Fatback)

Jessica Simpson must, she must, she must increase her bust. (Cityrag)

• Post-birth, Halle has some Berry nice cleavage. We knew our childhood obsession with Strawberry Shortcake speak would come in handy some day! (Flisted)

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May 01, 2008

Angelina Jolie Is a Heroin(e)

angelina_vein.jpgPrior to adopting underprivileged children from foreign lands, Angelina Jolie was smoking various sundry powders from foreign lands. According to the always dubious Starpulse, some dude approached the National Enquirer with a tape that allegedly shows Ms. Jolie sucking a dong. A glass dong. Filled with heroin.
The Enquirer’s source claims the tape’s owner is seeking $70,000 for its sale - telling the tabloid, “It appears to be from the 1990s, right before Angelina - then in her 20s - was breaking out in films like Gia and Girl, Interrupted, which won her an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress.

“The key part of the tape is Angelina doing heroin. She says, ‘Wow, this is really good smack - not that cheap crap that’s been stepped on.’ Angelina is seen sniffing white lines from a plate, and then as the drug cooks on tinfoil, she deeply sucks in its smoke through a tube.”
There is a lesson to be learned here. And that's if you are on the verge of international superstardom and someone points a camera at you while you are smoking illegal narcotics, to never vocally identify the heroin as such, because then you can pass it off as Lik-M-Aid through a hookah. Another lesson is to not smoke heroin on film, but that's secondary. The first lesson is the one you want to really take note of here. more »
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April 04, 2008

Everybody Hates Shiloh

Angelina Jolie carries Zahara and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt.jpg You know how kids pick up the traits of their parents? Just the other day we heard a quote from Sarah Jessica Parker about how her five-year-old son is a declared Democrat because Mommy and Daddy are. Well, sometimes in a big family Mommy's shitty attitude toward the one child who passed through her vagina can rub off on her other, chosen (and therefore special), children. Zahara Jolie-Pitt definitely seems to agree with Angelina that Shiloh is a blob. A blob that can be tossed around for Z's amusement. What else are exceptionally beautiful babies good for? Star reports:
With four children to manage and two more on the way, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt make it seem so easy. They travel around the globe at a moment's notice with their kids in tow, but sources reveal to Star that behind the scenes, they're losing control of their unruly brood.

With four kids come four very different personalities, which all seem to clash. And the sibling rivalry is brutal.

Maddox, 6, is constantly pushing Pax, 4, around in an attempt to show him who's boss, says a source. "But Pax is no wimp, and he fights back."

But it's little Zahara, 3, who really rules the roost! "She screams and shouts at the boys when she doesn't get her way," says the source. Not even Shiloh, 22 months, is safe — and the toddler has the battle scars to prove it. "Z is always pushing or scratching her."

Zahara's picking on Shiloh is usually motivated by snacks. "Z once clawed Shiloh's cheek after she tried to take her cookie," says an insider who witnessed one incident. "She's always pulling on Shiloh's hair so she can steal her food."

And little Shiloh has more than her hair to worry about! Recently while Shiloh's three older siblings roughhoused, she got knocked down and chipped a tooth! "Angie gets worried when Shi plays with them," says the insider. "She always comes back with a scraped knee or a fat lip!"

In fact, another source says food is a problem with all the kids and blames much of their rowdiness on a poor diet. "They eat fast food, pizza, chips and sugary soft drinks," says the source. "Brad and Angie let them eat what they want because it brings harmony to the chaotic household." To make matters worse, the insider adds, "because bedtime is whenever the kids feel like it, they get overly tired and cranky. Brad and Angelina don't like to be too strict."
Maybe this is Angelina's way of putting privileged Shiloh on an even playing field with her dear rescued orphans. They've seen pain and suffering and heartache; Shiloh has only seen the warm embrace of a Louis Vuitton cashmere wrap. If Angie encourages the other kids to repeatedly beat the shit out of Shiloh maybe she won't develop the inflated ego that so rightfully belongs to the world's sexiest baby and instead earn a personality. Those bald spots and broken ribs Zahara's going to inflict the next time Shiloh reaches for her Tagalong? All for the little tyke's own good. more »
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CNW Junk Drawer: Eatin' Kids, Beatin' Pigs

hayden_child.jpg• Bite-sized Heroes star Hayden Panettiere volunteered at World Children's Day, where she proceeded to devour all the babies under age two and pick her teeth with their discarded, semi-gnawed rib bones. (The Blemish)

• Even when you take away her hand-held communication devices and remove her from the vicinity of assistants, Naomi Campbell will come out swinging and hissing and--yes--spitting. (Yeeeah!)

Brandon Davis, alias "Greasy Bear", aka "Fat Elvis", is no longer anti-Firecrotch. He's decided he hates black people and gays way more. (TMZ)

Angelina Jolie at a nubile sixteen! Before the blood, the Brad, the Billy Bob, the babies there was . . . really unflattering 1990s bathing suits with curious sheer cut-outs? (Egotastic)

Mena Suvari's crapper is delectable in a thong. Do we mean "butt" or "toilet"? Click here to find out the shocking answer! (Drunken Stepfather)

Anne Hathaway's boyfriend was arrested for bouncing a $250,000 check. Aw, that could happen to anyone. Oh, wait, we though that said "$2.50 check". (Celeb Warship)

• Who wears assless shorts? Gisele Bundchen wears assless shorts. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• I got fingered by Megan Fox (and it felt like a kiss). (Hollywood Tuna)

• Lucky Kristen Bell gets to pose on the cover of Cosmopolitan next to the blurb "When Your Boobs Act Weird". (Daily Stab)

Jerry Seinfeld flipped his car. He's OK though, so we can all have a hearty guffaw or whatever. (Holy Taco)

Cameron Diaz is looking very Amazonian in GQ. (Bitten and Bound)

Tom Cruise takes Suri to the playground. Not to play, though. To have a series discussion about SPs and OC Clears. (A Socialite's Life)

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March 31, 2008

Brad and Angie Still Living in Super Sexy Sin

zahara can't have ice cream.jpg "Brangelina," as you insist on calling them, did not get married this weekend. They will never get married. So just drop it already, and go back to making mittens for your cats or whatever it is you do when you're not reading Star. Just be happy that Brad and Ange are such reproductive overachievers that they are not only populating the planet with genetically perfect offspring, they're doing it two at a time.
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March 21, 2008

Angelina Jolie Finds Self Objectionable

angelina-jolie-hair_mouth.jpgDespite the naturally ottoman-sized lips, the do-gooding, the Oscar, and having Brad Pitt on a mink and ruby leash, Angelina Jolie still hates herself. She tells OK! magazine:
"I struggle with low self-esteem all the time. I think everyone does. I have so much wrong with me, it's unbelievable."
You ain't kidding she's got a lot wrong with her. We heard she once gave 4.2 million instead of 4.3 million to charity last year. And she got a stye one time. Don't even get us started on all those orphans she didn't adopt. more »
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March 17, 2008

Angelina Jolie Adopts the Neediest Child of All

angelina_shiloh_cheetos.jpgA stained baby doll dress, a near upskirt, disheveled, unwashed hair, face twisted mid-sob, and a mouth ringed with Cheeto stain. Why the hell is Angelina Jolie carrying Britney Spears in her arms?

Pic via Splash News
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February 28, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: The Dealie with Keeley

keeley_hazell.JPGKeeley Hazell makes Breast Actress, Mr. Skin makes The Sun. (The Sun)

Angelina's having a girl, and she's having her in France! Freedom birth! (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Non, non! She is having deux bebes! Having zem in L'Etats-Unis! Oui oui oui! (FemaleFirst)

Lohan dons crotch-strangling short shorts in February, because she is dedicated to her craft. The craft of being a saucy harlot. (Hollywood Tuna)

Nicole Richie shows off her new baby. Quick, see the tiny cuteness before Rachel Zoe gives her gifts of Hoodia and hair extensions. (Celebitchy)

• Wisely realizing that her infamous recent nudie shots were the most popular thing she's ever done, Lindsay contemplates a future as a naked Marilyn Monroe impersonator. (Daily Stab)

Kate Hudson coaxes butterscotch stallion Owen Wilson away from suicidal depression with a sugar cube, some carrots, and her vagina. (The Blemish)

Lily Allen upskirts with cheeky results. (Taxi Driver)

• Now we know why Juliette Lewis has been wearing headbands all the time--they magically hold her nipples in. See what goes down when she goes without. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Awwww. Peter Andre soooo sweeeepy! Poor little guy's all tuckered out. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

• See where Megan Fox's tattooed ode to David Silver is located on her body. (Popoholic)

Rachel Bilson owns underwear, and wants you to know all about it. (The Rad Report)

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February 25, 2008

That Ain't Just Bloat

angelina_jolie_preggo_1.jpgBack in the year 1986, Junkyard Dog was king of the ring, UB40 won our hearts with a little song called "Red Red Wine", and every female age 12-30 smelled like Exclamation!, a terrifying nasal assault that came armed with the catchphrase "make a statement without saying a word". Another way to make a statement without saying a word--and without smelling curiously of citrus-infused cat urine? Remain mum on the subject of pregnancy rumors, but show up on the red carpet of the Independent Spirit Awards wearing a form-fitting schmatte that shows off some of this:



angelina_jolie_preggo_2.jpg angelina_jolie_preggo_3.jpg

Oh, Angelina Jolie. We already know that you don't like Shiloh--or white kids in general--much, so why whip up another? On the other hand, doesn't the baby's father, a wax version of Robert Evans in 1974, look positively radiant?
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February 22, 2008

Vintage Angelina Jolie, Now with Even More Lez

angelina-jolie-hair_mouth.jpgRemember when Angelina Jolie touched titties with other broads? Those were the days you remember. Never before and never since, I promise, will the whole world be warm as this. Taking a cue from the loquacious Jenny Shimizu, another lady has come forward with tales of girl-on-girl Jolie seduction. According to FlyNet, production assistant Misty Cooper melted into the mammoth, man-masticating mouth of Jolie after they met on the set of Gone in 60 Seconds.
... one day on set after weeks of flirting and giving strong sexual vibes, they made their move… To Jolie’s trailer!

While Angelina was talking about her sex life, she told Misty that she had many girls but none of them were as good as Billy Bob Thornton. Misty responded with, “But you haven’t had me.” Shortly after an assistant was taking polaroid pictures of the cast and crew on set, and snapped a couple of Angelina and Misty. As you can see in the photos, there was some playful groping involved.

After that, Angelina dropped the bomb; “I want you to come to my trailer, get naked, and we’ll have more fun and more photos.” And although Misty hasn’t revealed what happened once they were inside the trailer, she did say this, “Angie has very soft lips."
Naked photos with a behind-the-scener from a shoot . . . Sapphic intrigue . . . this all sounds oddly familiar. Ohhhh yeah, it's the plot of Jolie's movie Gia. Though we suppose if you're going to ape an Angelina script for the structure of your purported gordita-bumping affair, Gia is a far better choice than, say, Hackers. Nobody really wants to lap labes with someone named Acid Burn with Fisher Stevens lording over the whole sordid event, shouting "HACK THE PLANET!!!" between bites of cyberpuss. more »
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