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filed under: Amy Winehouse
June 25, 2009
Because You Care Enough to Send the Very Beast
These days, there's a greeting card for almost everything. Anniversaries. Bat mitzvahs. "Sorry you got laid off". Pet deaths. But the other day we were looking for a 2 dimensional paper way to tell a friend, "Buck up, that impetigo will get better once you stop smoking so much crack" and we were shit out of luck. Enter Amy Winehouse greeting cards! Our own personal gossip Hallmark shop, FemaleFirst, says:
Amy Winehouse is launching a range of greetings cards. A source told Britain's The Sun: "The first item in the Winehouse range will be wrapping paper with the chorus of 'Rehab' emblazoned all over it. The Amy-branded cards are classy too. 'You Know I'm No Good' is best for heartfelt apologies and 'Back To Black', with an appropriate wreath, will be the respectful response to a bereavement."We're so pumped to see a cartoon Amy Winehouse on a card with Shoebox's sassiest creation, Maxine. "I love my attitude problem!!!!" Maxine will say on the front. And then you open it up and Winehouse is tending to an abscess she got from a dirty needle. Happy christening!
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May 05, 2009
Amy Winehouse Won't Let Hospitalization Slow Down Her Busy Drinking Schedule
We've got an Amy Winehouse story for you today. And it involves at least two of the following elements (all favorites in the Wino gossip arsenal): drugs, booze, hospitalization, public nudity, weeping sores. Go ahead and make your guesses, then dive into this short tale from The Sun: EVEN going to hospital doesn’t slow down AMY WINEHOUSE — the singer went straight from her St Lucia sickbed to a bar.DUH! She was hospitalized for dehydration. And alcohol is wet. And wetness cures dehydration. She was obviously attending to her health and well-being, which are very important to her.
After collapsing from “dehydration” at her holiday villa on Thursday, Wino spent a night under observation.
But as soon as doctors gave her the all-clear, off she went boozing at the plush Le Sport resort for much of the weekend.
April 22, 2009
Fried Winehouse
What with her estrangement from stoat-like husband Blake Fielder-Civil and her exile on the isle of St. Lucia, soul-singin' hivehead Amy Winehouse has been doing a fairly nice job of keeping herself out of trouble the past few weeks. Only now the celeb has been snapped wandering around the beach with an open, weeping sore. And that marks the first time anyone has ever written that sentence about someone other than Shauna Sand or Paris Hilton. In a piece cleverly titled "Rasta Pasta Disasta", The Sun writes:
AMY WINEHOUSE suffered agonising burns to her leg as she cooked pasta for local chums on a Caribbean island, it emerged last night.Although a cooking accident sounds like a more plausible excuse than the one given last night on Entertainment Tonight—the above picture with the caption "Amy Winehouse: LEPROSY?"—we can think of five things involving Amy Winehouse and fire that don't involve macaroni. One is a crack pipe. Two is a bong. Three is a bowl. Four is a heroin spoon. Five is sparklers. Yaaaaayyyyy, sparklers!
The Back To Black singer, 25, had an accident while rustling up a meal in the sun-kissed paradise of St Lucia. Pals said a kitchen pot tipped over, dousing her with scalding water. But Amy made no attempt to cover the scars before calmly wandering down a beach in denim hotpants. Her wounds — covered in sand — looked as though they needed a good clean as she walked shoeless in a skimpy red top.
One holidaymaker said: "Amy’s wounds looked so painfully sore — she really should cover them up or get herself under an umbrella. They were covered in sand too. We couldn’t believe she wasn’t keeling over in pain."
But Amy’s spokesman Kirk Sommer said: "She’s not in a lot of pain, she’s just letting it breathe."
April 17, 2009
I Like Green Crack and Ham, I Do, I Like Them, Sam I Am
It's the end of the night, and all you want to do is put the kids to bed so you can get down to your real loves: porn and Mad Dog 20/20. But first there is the tucking in and the story reading. You could go with the classics, Dr. Seuss or Goodnight Moon. But that's not really your style. If only there were something hipper, edgier, with more references to crack pipes. That's the kind of book you want to read to your kids. If only your little ones could stay this age until Amy Winehouse finally releases a children's book. Our very own Fox in Socks, FemaleFirst, reports: Amy Winehouse wants to write a children's book.That bodyguard probably has a really deep understanding of Amy's inner soul now.
The troubled singer has been writing poems about her life after being inspired by her friend, Babyshambles rocker Pete Doherty, and hopes to inspire youngsters with her literary offerings.
A source said: "Amy's been stimulated since living in St. Lucia. She loves the chilled out atmosphere and has found it has encouraged her to write again.
"Pete Doherty once told her that poetry was a good way to express yourself so she thought writing a book of poems about her life would be a fine start.
"She really wants to write a children's book one day so thought a book of poems would be great practice."
The 'Rehab' star - who fell in love with St. Lucia while on an extended holiday and is now planning to buy a house on the Caribbean island to keep her away from temptations in London - is writing deeply personal material and hopes it will help people understand her better.
The source added to Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "One of her poems is called 'Desire' and is based on her yearning to be loved and to give love.
"Amy is so happy with the results she's even let her bodyguard read her scribbles to understand her."
My name is Amy Winhouse
I do not look like a mouse
Today I will eat a peach
Then I will go to the beach
And I will not cover up my tits
Man, I could really use some hits
See what we mean? That last line, it has meaning. Because Amy could really use a couple more hit songs, but a few drags off a bong or a crack pipe would do her just as well. Deep.
April 07, 2009
Amy Winehouse Is Mellow, It's So Mellow
We haven't paid any attention to Amy Winehouse lately. Maybe that's why she's running around the Caribbean naked again. OK, Wino, we give. We're paying attention to you now. See? There's your name right on the screen. Wino Wino Wino. Happy? Our own nude beach enthusiast, FemaleFirst, reports: Amy Winehouse staged a breast-baring protest at her Caribbean hotel.And while the idea of a crazed lady with a beehive and arms the size of popsicle sticks running around topless is amusing, we prefer yesterday's tale of the Wino smokin' banana peels. Again via our favorite Punk Rock Girl, FemaleFirst:
The 'Rehab' singer stunned fellow guests by running through the grounds of the building semi-naked exposed after becoming infuriated when told topless sunbathing was banned.
One guest at the Cotton Bay Village Hotel, in St. Lucia, said: "Everyone was shocked when she began running around half naked.
"She was talking to herself and flailing her arms around but we couldn't understand what she was saying."
The 25-year-old star - who returned to St. Lucia last week to buy a property after falling in love with the island during her three-month holiday earlier this year - ran close to where children were playing in the pool area as she shed her clothes.
She was eventually stopped by a hotel worker, who handed her a blue wrap to cover up.
Amy Winehouse has picked up a new habit - smoking banana skins.And then when she was done smokin' banana peels she jumped in her bitchin' Camero, but she got so bored she started drinkin' bleach.
The 'Rehab' singer - who has battled drug addiction - took up the vice while spending time on the island of St. Lucia, where she is currently house hunting in a bid to escape the temptations of London.
A source told Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "Amy wandered onto a private porch on Cariblue Beach and began speaking to a group of locals who were smoking banana skins.
"She made sure there wasn't anything really bad in them because she's being so good now.
"They made one in front of her using dried strings from the inside of the peel instead of tobacco, and putting it onto a piece of rolling paper. She loved it and has taken to drying her own peel in the sun and smoking it in the evening."
February 16, 2009
Back to Black the Hospital
Amy Winehouse was admitted to the hospital in St. Lucia after allegedly suffering drug withdrawal. In other super exciting and completely unexpected news, the sun rose in the east this morning, anvils are heavy, and scorpions don't make good house pets.
January 22, 2009
CNW Junk Drawer: Tell Me You Love Me
• Diane Sawyer was acting drunk on TV yesterday morning. That's OK, Diane. Paula Abdul acts drunk on TV every day and she still gets paid. (Daily Stab)• Lily Allen once made out with female twins. She's a regular Steven Tyler! (Yeeeah!)
• While you're at it, have a listen at some new leaked Lily tunes. (Allie Is Wired)
• Dakota Fanning might be in the new Twilight movie. That one was for all our preteen readers. All none of you. (CelebWarship)
• Amy Winehouse saved a woman from death. Which is only fair because death has saved Amy Winehouse from death many times. What? We dunno. (Bitten and Bound)
• Marisa Miller is still in a bikini. And you're still going to click on the link and look. (The Blemish)
• Some scuzzos are trying to extort money from John Travolta and Kelly Preston. The world is a vampire. (Anything Hollywood)
• Much like the bustlines for which she is noted, Jennifer Love Hewitt is clingy. (Pop on the Pop)
January 14, 2009
Amy Winehouse, Booze Burglar
You may have thought that the most dastardly and cunning act of theft to hit a holiday resort was old Mr. and Mrs. Schumacher in Dirty Dancing, but you'd be wrong. It's Amy Winehouse. But she doesn't care about your wallet or your jewels; she's after your hooch. Reports The Sun: WASTED AMY WINEHOUSE is reduced to crawling up to holidaymakers and grabbing their drinks — after fed-up resort staff refused to serve her.As amusing as this account of Wino's thievery is, we know there must be more to the story. Surely there are disguises involved, fake mustaches, prop cigars, comically oversized shoes. And voices, there must be voices to throw hotel staff off her trail. Maybe when Amy's going undercover she talks in the voice of Britney Spears.
The sneaky singer also BEGS guests to order booze for her at the all-inclusive Caribbean resort.
A source at the £200-a-night resort said: “We keep catching her crawling past bars, or hiding behind chairs. She grabs guests’ drinks and runs off, like a squirrel with a nut.”
Amy’s management have now hired a 6ft 6ins minder to keep her in line — but to little effect.
She was spotted creeping up behind one woman, asking for a cigarette and then sprinting away with her cocktail.
January 12, 2009
Amy Winehouse Chooses Adulterous Beach Sex over Deceased Married Coitus
That exquisite dutchess herself, Fergie, traded being Fergalicious with being Ferga-missus when she married whatshisname on Saturday. Also, Madonna went on a date with a "mystery man" while her erstwhile secret lover macked on Kate Hudson. Love is blooming in Hollywood, like so many chancres on Paris Hilton's labia, but one couple is not so happy. Blake Fielder-Civil is allegedly officially divorcing his beloved wife, singer/crackhead Amy Winehouse. The Daily Mail reports:
Jailbird Blake Fielder-Civil has instructed a lawyer to begin divorce proceedings against Amy Winehouse after seeing pictures of the singer cavorting with another man in the Caribbean.Seeing how Amy's most likely OD'ed a half dozen times in the past year alone, we're going to take her word literally.
Celebrity lawyer Henri Brandman told MailOnline that Blake had instructed him to launch the action on the grounds of Amy's adultery. It is thought that Blake will go for half of Amy's £10 million fortune.
The move comes as loved-up Amy told a Sunday newspaper that she has finally kicked her drug habit. The star also admitted that she had 'forgotten I'm even married' to Blake, claiming 'our whole marriage was based on doing drugs'.
The Back To Black singer is enjoying an extended Caribbean break on the paradise island of St Lucia and has been photographed kissing and cuddling 21-year-old Josh Bowman.
She told the News of the World that she was off drugs for good and that public schoolboy Josh was her new drug.
Contrary to earlier reports that she was waiting for Blake to join her on the island, the singer told the newspaper: "I love it here and have never felt so happy. In fact, I don't think I'm ever going home. Especially as I met Josh here. He couldn't be more different from my husband, which isn't a bad thing."
She also branded Blake 'rubbish in bed', adding, 'Almost every time I slept with him it was like I was dead'.
January 05, 2009
Amy Winehouse's New Year's Resolution: Become a Nudist
We are not even going to try to touch on Jett Travolta's sad death, because we haven't quite mastered the art of compassion and don't want to accidentally sound like assholes, so instead let's talk about Amy Winehouse naked! Weeeee! She sure does like flopping out her funbags lately. Perhaps it's part of her New Year's resolution. Instead of a nice sensible choice, like quit drugs or divorce slimy jailbird fucker or buy own toothbrush, it seems that Amy's ringing in the new year with as much toplessness as she can muster. And while we're usually all for the titty displays, we're just not feeling these. They're just so . . . Winehouse-ian. They make us sad. Sad for the state of humanity and sad that we can't muster some sexual excitement over the boobies of a crackhead. Maybe that should be our New Year's resolution: Learn to get aroused over the sight of naked crackhead ladies. After all, if Boyz N the Hood taught us anything, it's that they'll suck your dick for a dollar. After the cut, Wino's boobs. more »
December 29, 2008
Hide Your Toothbrush if Wino's in Town
Crack in the mornin', crack in the evenin', crack at suppertime. When crack is on a bagel, you can eat crack any time. This is the philosophy to which hive-headed songbird Amy Winehouse subscribes, according to her former personal assistant/pet weiner Alex Haines, who spilled the beans about his life with Amy in the respected paper News of the World. A few choice tidbits:
Alex Haines tells how the singer smoked CRACK for BREAKFAST from pipes she made out of drinks bottles as she blew £3,500 a week on drugs in her darkest hours. She was so desperate for every last bit she even frantically scraped the residue out with a SCREWDRIVER so it wouldn’t be wasted.That doesn't really rival the "Ozzy Osbourne snorted ants" story from the beloved classic Motley Crue: Behind the Music, but it's a nice effort nonetheless. Though we can't really picture Ozzy being described as "my own little porn star" or barfing up McRibs with a Reach, so advantage: Winehouse, we guess.
He also reveals how the once painfully thin diva was a secret BULIMIC—living on McDonalds and up to 10 Crunchie bars at a time. She even used HIS TOOTHBRUSH to make herself THROW UP afterwards.
And Alex, her former personal assistant, details their marathon romps while hubby Blake Fielder Civil was inside. He says: “It was like having my own little porn star. Amy was so dirty—she wanted sex all the time. We did it four or five times a day and she’d even wake me up for it. She was addicted to sex like she was to drugs.”
Alex recalls: “At one party Amy wanted to prove she was used to cocaine. So she did a line that was 20 CENTIMETRES LONG to show she was a big user.
December 03, 2008
Well, See Ya
Remember how Amy Winehouse's amphibian-faced husband, Blake Fielder-Civil Servant, was in jail for a year? Then he got out a couple of weeks ago and went straight to rehab? Remember that? Well, he's back in jail. He gave a dirty tinkle sample. The Sun shares this touching holiday parable that they've titled "Blake Goes Back to the Lags":
AMY WINEHOUSE’s husband BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL is going back to jail after failing a drugs test. The junkie, 26, dashed to his wife’s hospital bedside last night from rehab after being told the news. He could now be in jail until early 2010 after breaking the early release terms of his 27-month sentence. A source said: "Blake did a runner. He turned up in hospital and hell broke loose — everyone was totally shocked. He was asking Amy to forgive him. As he was going back inside anyway he felt he didn’t have much to lose . . . If he had stayed in prison last month rather than taking the rehab option he was set to be released at the end of this month. He’s blown it." Pals of troubled Back To Black star Amy, 25, said having him locked up was good for her. Amy’s friend said yesterday: "She had finally started stepping up divorce proceedings again but he started phoning again and getting inside her mind. Now he is out of the picture again she can concentrate on getting her life on track."We especially love "the junkie, 26, . . . " It's as if it's his profession. Actually, it kind of is. Wonder if there's a check box for that on the census questionnaire? Occupation: _ Managerial, _ Secretarial, _ Internet/E-Commerce, _ Medical, _ Junkie, _ Law, _ Engineering.
November 25, 2008
Amy Winehouse Does Amy Winehouse-Like Stuff
She's bankrupted several small to medium sized South American countries due to her insatiable hunger for opiates, yet Amy Winehouse keeps going. She's like the Energizer Bunny of crack. Except instead of being covered in cute pink fuzz, she's covered in weeping chancres, and instead of carrying a large drum, she carries a glass pipe that she clanks against a frosty mug of beer, baring her terrifying chops to scream, "Barkeep! Bring me anovver, luv! And this toime, put some ketamine in it!" OK, similes over, the lady went to the hospital on Sunday. Go tell it on the mountain, Yeeeah!:
A source close to the troubled singer said: “[She and Blake] had a screaming row. She was beside herself after the call – and she just totally lost it. [The bender afterward] didn’t stop until she was [seizing] on the floor on Sunday.”Oh! Legal medicine prescribed by a physician! Well OK then.
Amy’s spokesman confirmed she was taken to hospital on Sunday but claimed she had “a bad reaction to the combination of medication she has currently been prescribed.”
November 18, 2008
Amy Winehouse Is a Beauty School Dropout
It was a close call the other day when Amy Winehouse appeared without her trademark beehive, looking suspiciously like Andy Samberg. But there's no need for alarm--the hive is back. Amy was spotted lurching around Camden looking like a Pink Lady. The only problem is that if you look closely, you can see the beehive foundation under the weave. Oh, we always knew it wasn't her real hair, but seeing the structure underneath its glory is like seeing a Rose Bowl Parade float without the roses, or Christina Aguilera without her makeup, or that one time when we were 10 and went to Showbiz Pizza and Mitzi Mozzarella's plush hand fell off, revealing a borg-like robot claw that made the toddlers scream in abject horror.
November 17, 2008
Why Aren't JCVD and Wino on Barbara Walters's Most Fascinating People List?
There are certain celebrities who can get away with flirting with interviewers, no matter how creepy they seem. George Clooney or Angelina Jolie could probably have full-penetration sex with an Inside Edition reporter and the audience would just say, "Aw, that's so charming!" Ben Affleck almost DID have sex with an interviewer and it was hilarious. But when Jean-Claude Van Damme outright hits on the lady interviewing him, it's just creepy. Just take a moment to get past his gibberish and get totally skeeved out (interview via Celebitchy): There‘s a monologue in the film about being a washed-up action star. Did you improvise that?The best part is that after he tells her he wants to be naked in front of her, he basically says he's tried that line before and was lucky he wasn't chased through Hong Kong with pitchforks. You've gotta love the man's determination to make a creepy pick-up line work.
I like structure—like driving: go past the school on the street, stay on the right side, no hitting the car, go in right, you’ll see a big church, stop and take a left, and you’ll have it. By doing this I’m giving a structure of life, a path of light, and showing what happens between me and me, which is something very beautiful.
Beautiful? Why?
I really opened myself up in “JCVD.” I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.
OK —
It was like being naked—I would love to be naked in front of you.
Well, I —
Not being naked being naked. I say such things in Hong Kong and they thought I was being a crazy Frenchman. Being naked of protection.
So you‘ve no regrets at all?
Believe me—I’ve done very good stuff and very crazy stuff, and I don’t regret the crazy stuff. So are you in New York?
Yes, I am.
And are you 27, or 32?
I‘m 22.
Oh, f–––. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?
I don ‘ t know. When is it?
I don’t know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?
Uh —
You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.
Oh, and speaking of creepy interviews, Amy Winehouse is at it again, chatting up anyone who rings her buzzer. Don't miss this video if you're really into detailed discussions of X Factor. Otherwise, just look out for Wino's giggle. We're thinking of making it our ringtone.
November 11, 2008
Wino's Fabulous New Makeover
We dunno, man. Andy Samberg should really rethink that mesh tank top, people might get the wrong idea.
November 05, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Victoria's Secret: Pores Exist
• Marisa Miller and other Victoria's Secret models at an underwear fitting. Look ma, no airbrushing. (The Blemish)• Angelina Jolie says she's "still just a punk kid with tattoos". She went on to say, "Seriously, I saw Youth of Today four times and I own the Infest Slave LP on colored vinyl." (Fatback)
• Adriana Lima's juggtacular bra commercials! (Cityrag)
• Star says Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with twins. We say Star is pregnant with twin turds; i.e. full of shit. (Celebitchy)
• Britney Spears is on the cover of Cosmo. So you can ogle her weave while reading about the 10 tantric orgasm tips that will drive his nads wild. (Bitten and Bound)
• AnnaLynne McCord has 4 capital letters in her name. She also has a lesbian kiss. See video! (Drunken Stepfather)
• LIndsay Lohan gets dumped in favor of Denise Richards. Ow, that's gotta smart. (Yeeeah!)
• Amy Wino's rodent-like spouse has been released from prison. It's going to be a very cracky Christmas. (Hollywood Gossip)
• Heidi Klum takes those old records off the shelf. And those shirts off her shelf. (Seriously OMG WTF)
November 03, 2008
Crack or Treat
On Halloween night, one of the most feared and hairy ghouls was released into the black night. Not the Wolfman, the Winehouse! Amy Winehouse spent a few days in a London clinic recovering from another chest infection. And when she was discharged on Oct. 31, she emerged wearing one of the most incredible costumes we've ever seen. Heidi Klum be damned--Amy Winehouse as Amy Winehouse 2006 wins for the most jawdropping costume of the spooky season.
September 25, 2008
Amy Winehouse Returns Designer Clothes —with a Surprise!
Usually, when fashion designers loan their frocks to starlets to wear to events, they get something in return; namely, publicity. But Harvey Nichols, proprietor of his eponymous upscale department store, got a little more than publicity when he loaned some dresses to Amy Winehouse. He done got barfed on. Our personal gossip anti-nausea drug, Female First, reports:
Amy Winehouse returned borrowed designer dresses covered in vomit.Puke and furry mold? Frankly, Nichols should count his lucky stars that's all that was stuck to those duds. When you're that close to Amy Winehouse, there's a whole army of infectious diseases and objectionable bodily secretions that could be lurking in the folds. Impetigo scabs. Errant crack rocks. The corpses of baby mice once owned by Pete Doherty. Pete Doherty himself. Herpes simplex. You know on Lysol commercials, when a long list of bacteria rolls by on the screen? All those. Plus a few more not yet classified by man.
The troubled star had been loaned several posh frocks from Harvey Nichols department store but landed herself with a £25,000 bill after throwing up on them and allowing green mold to grow before sending them back.
A source said: "While wearing one of the frocks, she went on an all-night bender. She ended up in the loos, where she was violently sick. Let's just say it wasn't pretty. She eventually couriered them back on Monday (22.09.08), but didn't wrap them separately. So sick had gone on all the clothes. Even worse, green, furry mold had developed on some gowns, making them unwearable."
Harvey Nichols is said to be furious after receiving the soiled package and demanded the full value of the outfits.
September 23, 2008
Winehouse's Hubby Kinda Likes It in Jail
Romeo and Juliet. Edward VIII and Wallis Simpson. Snow White and Prince Charming. Many couples in history and fable embody everlasting love, but none quite as much as Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil. Blake is currently serving a sentence in the pokey for beating up a bartender and then bribing him to shut up about it, and authorities offered to parole him and he was all, "nah." The Sun has the scoop:
Amy Winehouse’s junkie husband Blake Fielder-Civil has rejected a second chance to leave jail early — after prison bosses said he would have to go straight into rehab. They offered to cut his stay at Suffolk’s Edmunds Hill prison by more than two months if he agreed to the detox. But he turned down the deal.This might seem like an unbelievable turn of events, but keep in mind that English jail is a veritable Candyland for a junkie, with inmates in porkpie hats, jumpers, and Wellies choreographing musical numbers about skag to Oliver Twist songs and high tea served with scones, clotted cream, and crack.
A week ago he was told he would be released if he went to live with his mother in Nottinghamshire and wore an electronic tag. But again he chose his grubby life behind bars over freedom.
Last night a friend of Amy said: "This will be another blow for her. Blake could have gone to rehab and sorted himself out but would rather see out his sentence in prison. All he wants is a free reign when he leaves, which means living with Amy back in Camden. But if he is turning down these chances to leave jail and get clean, it doesn’t bode well for him and Amy when he finally does get out."
September 16, 2008
Amy Winehouse Too Ugly To Attend Her Own Birthday Party
A couple of weeks ago we stumbled upon this picture of Amy Winehouse. We were so confused that we dug out our trusty protractor and tightened our monocle for a closer look. Could it be? Does Wino look cute? Normal? No, no, no, that couldn't be. Alas, the moment was fleeting and the next day she was back to her cracky, impetigo-crusted self. And apparently her visage has gotten so bad recently that she even skipped her own birthday party, claiming she was too ugly to leave the house. Poor Wino. Reports The Sun: AMY WINEHOUSE refused to go to her own birthday party after realising how drugs have ravaged her looks and ranting: “I look “f***ing ugly.”Enh, we don't buy it. Amy probably just discovered this pic of Blake Fielder-Civil on the interwebs and had to stay locked in her room for some "private time."
The Grammy award-winning singer had a furious row with best pal REMI NICOLE as she desperately tried to convince her to attend her own 25th bash.
Celebs including ADELE, MARK RONSON and Amy’s mother JANIS waited for her in central London’s Jazz After Dark club on Saturday — but the junkie, who is still battling huge drug addictions, refused to leave home.
Three cabs were called to the star’s house in Camden, North London.
Two were sent away before Remi gave up and took the third home after three hours trying to get Amy out.
Her 15 guests were then left to eat her guitar-shaped cake without ever seeing her. A pal said: “Amy was standing in front of the mirror telling everyone how rough she looked.
“Unfortunately her lifestyle has had a major affect on her appearance and it’s only just started to sink in.
“She kept saying she was ugly and was in an awful state. They couldn’t get her out.
“Remi had organised the night and made a huge effort. They had a huge row.
“Amy can be very selfish — there was no convincing her and she ruined the night for everyone, including herself.”
Even Amy’s pal BLAKE WOOD — who she was rumoured to have had a fling with — arrived with arms full of presents, only to be told the troubled singer wasn’t coming.
But it was Amy's mum Janis — walking with the aid of a walking stick — who took the singer's no show the hardest, breaking down in tears when she realised her troubled daughter wouldn't be turning up.
September 05, 2008
Maybe It's Good for the Vocal Chords
Remember that story about Van Halen specifying in their rider that all the brown M&Ms be picked out of the backstage bowl? Or that J. Lo requires a specific scent, color, and placing of candles in her trailer? Well, that's nothing compared to what Amy Winehouse is asking for this weekend at the Bestival festival: 48 bottles of Jack Daniels. That's 48. But don't worry, only 29 are for actual drinking. The rest are for injecting, snorting, and enemas. Our personal gossip dealer, Female First, quotes a source as saying:
"It's common for artists to make requests for food and beverages before they arrive. But organisers have heard Amy has ordered in an extremely large amount of Jack Daniel's, in fact, a ridiculous amount that she and her team could not possibly consume during their short stay.We heard that Ozzy Osbourne, Nikki Sixx, Keith Richards, and Anna Nicole Smith's corpse recently got together to discuss what they call "this Winehouse situation" over horse tranquilizer crudites and rubbing alchol-tinis. "She's makin' us look bad, man," Ozzy said, and everyone nodded sadly. Everyone except for Anna Nicole's corpse, but Keith helpfully reached over and moved her head up and down in assent.
"Naturally there are now fears she is planning something wild. With Amy's record this can mean failure to perform or giving a shambolic performance. Whiskey is better than heroin - but not 48 bottles of the stuff."
August 15, 2008
Titface, Meet Dickhead
Welcome to Crazy British Ladies Walking Around Looking Charming Friday! They may have been on separate continents, but Katie "Jordan" Price and Amy "WTF is that" Winehouse both demonstrated that certain intangible grace that only English women possess. First, Jordan was spotted, much like a yeti or a shooting star with fake tits, on the streets of LA. She recently downsized her silicone tetherballs, and it appears that the doctors make good use of the old implants by storing them inside her lips. Way to go green, Jordan! Sporting old tits in your lips is even more socially conscious than solar panels. Can solar panels suck your dong? We think not!
It's been a rough couple of weeks with little to no Amy Winehouse news. We've made do by dying a mop black, rubbing it in an ashtray, and talking to it, but it's not the same. But she emerges from the mist! And her slappin' hand is in fine working order! Reports The Sun:
AMY WINEHOUSE slapped another member of the public last night. The troubled singer was out and about in Camden when a passer-by grabbed her, seemingly concerned for her health.We hate to say it, but the lady kind of asked for it. You don't pet a copperhead and not expect to get bitten. And you don't touch Amy Winehouse and not expect to get slapped, called a dickhead, or catch chiggers. more »
But Amy lashed out at the middle-aged woman – giving her a hard slap and screaming: "Let fucking go of me, dickhead!"
As she walked away, Amy carried on shouting at her victim, calling her a "fucking bitch".
August 12, 2008
Ben & Jerry's Rehab Ripple . . . Delicious
Have you tried Ben and Jerry's newish Stephen Colbert ice cream, Americone Dream? It's pretty good. We like the hunks of chocolate covered ice cream cone in it. Our only beef is that it doesn't have enough crack rocks in it. No crack, and no nice impetigo scab swirl for added crunch. Digital Spy gives us this story:
Ben & Jerry's has said it will not dedicate an ice cream flavour to singer Amy Winehouse.That's right! They're not about people who sit around all day pie-eyed with a crack pipe attached to their lip. Ben & Jerry's is about people who sit around all day pie-eyed with a bong attached to their lip. Big difference! more »
The ice cream makers currently produce flavours named after musician Jerry Garcia and the Vermont band Phish. Last month, the company revealed plans to sell a limited edition ice cream in tribute to Elton John called Goodbye Yellow Brickle.
When asked whether the firm would work with Winehouse, founder Jerry Greenfield told Heat: "I'm not sure that Amy has the proper image that Ben and Jerry's wants to be connected with."
July 30, 2008
Someone Slipped Wino a Mickey
Welcome to AmyWinehouseNewsWire, your A-number-one source for all things Amy Winehouse, every day, all the time. Listen, people, we want to report on the crust-faced wonder even less than you want to read about her, but we can't stop! She just keeps doing stuff! She was taken to the hospital Monday night because, according to her dad Mitch, "she mixed up her medication." We just assumed he meant Flonase and Flintstones, but no, it was something harder. And according to Mitch, not her fault. According to The Sun:
A source said after Rehab star Amy was discharged yesterday: "Mitch is furious. He’s certain someone put E in Amy’s drink — and he’s determined to get to the bottom of it. He is convinced that one of her hangers-on was responsible and he’s waiting for a toxicology report to show what caused her to fit.Well, Mitch, we're no Flossie Bobbsey, but we're pretty sure we can deduce the dastardly villain who put Amy's life in danger by dosing her with illegal drugs. The vile cur's name? It begins with an "A" and ends with an "inehouse". A trail of vomit-encrusted black weave and a pair of dirty pink ballet slippers led us straight to the perp. That and the handwritten receipt that said, "Twelve (12) rocks crack cocaine, one (1) ounce marijuana, six (6) tablets of ecstasy (to go in my drink and mix with above). Signed, Amy Winehouse."
July 28, 2008
Something Evil's Lurking in the Dark
It's times like these that lead us to question our line of work. Do we have a moral obligation to ignore these pictures of Amy Winehouse getting scabby, punchy, and crackulous? Or do we post them because we fancy ourselves a legitimate news source? Ultimately, after much soul-searching over some McGriddles, we decided to post them in hopes that it would scare our young fan base into a life of straight-edge teetotaling, thus making us heroes! The Sun reports:
Junkie singer Amy Winehouse’s dad insisted she was "fine" yesterday — hours after she punched a wall and burst into tears. Wild-eyed Amy, 24, caused her fist to bleed. The star, who had one of her nails ripped off, also lashed out at her security guards.Darkness falls across the land.
With her face ravaged by the skin condition impetigo, Amy wore torn and filthy ballet pumps as she flew into the rage in Camden, North London, early yesterday.
An onlooker said: "With her pale face and smeared make-up, she looked like something out of Michael Jackson's Thriller video. It was really sad to see."
But dad Mitch later insisted to The Sun: "Amy is doing fine."
The midnight hour is close at hand.
Winehouse crawls in search of drugs
To terrorize your neighborhood.
And whosoever shall be found
Without the ale for chugging down
Must stand and face the scabs of hell
and rot inside a beehived shell.
The foulest stench is in the air
The funk of crack farts and faux hair
And British ghouls with tattooed boobs
Are closing in to steal your booze
And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The rotting of . . . her liverrrrrrrrr. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! MUAAHAHAHAHAH!
July 25, 2008
Amy Weedhouse
Less than a week ago, Amy Winehouse's beloved, justice-perverting husband was sentenced to 27 months in prison. And yesterday, Amy marked the her husband's next couple of years in the joint in the most literal way possible.
July 23, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Funky Monk-y
• Sophie Monk's nipples try to stab their way through her bikini top. Like they were pink, squishy pirate cutlasses. (I Don't Like You In That Way)• David Duchovny was scared that wife Tea Leoni would give him a beatdown when she saw his makeout scene with Gillian Anderson in the X-Files movie. Guess we can assume she's never seen Californication. (FemaleFirst)
• Nick Hogan turns 18 on Sunday. That means big boy jail! Yayyy! Sooo big! (Allie Is Wired)
• Despite the pap songs, the fishbelly complexion, and the castrato voice, being James Blunt is kind of sweet. (Cityrag)
• More details about Batman giving his batmom a batshove. (Yeeeah!)
• Heather Locklear has been successfully rehabilitated. Locklear v. 2.0 ready for deployment. (The Blemish)
• Amy Winehouse wants at least five children with cracky, smacky husband Blake. Though since he's just been sentenced to 27 months in jail, that might be difficult outside of conjugal visits. (CelebWarship)
• Two weeks post-birth, and Nicole Kidman's gut is flatter than yours. The world is a vampire. (Hollywire)
• Gabrielle Reece shoves her volleyballs into a bikini top. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Picture it. 2008. Estelle Getty dies at her home. We'll miss you, Sophia Petrillo. (PopCrunch)
July 09, 2008
Punch Drunk Pubes
What do you get when you cross Ronnie Spector, a nineteenth century English bootblack, an east L.A. chola, a half-empty bottle of peach brandy, and Flo from the 1980s sitcom Alice? Amy Winehouse, of course. Our favorite shy violet lets loose today with a cavalcade of entertainment so extensive that we're forced to use bullets to organize everything!• The night before last, the beloved songstress hit the town sporting a new look. Fear not--the giant hair bubble and panda eyeliner was still firmly in place--the look we speak of was south of the border. Although she was wearing her trademark gold belt, her shorts slipped down to show some coin slot and a hearty swath of pubes. It's our hope that she's taking "the carpet matches the curtains" to the extreme and will get a merkinhive. Dive into Wino's drawers and check out the pics at DrunkenStepfather.
• And she's addicted to a new substance! You might have heard of it. It's called Hawaiian Tropic. The Sun reports that Amy can't get enough of the tanning bed she's had installed in her home:
Rehab singer Amy, 24, even dozes off under the ultraviolet lamps, which release the same type of harmful radiation found in sunlight.Nothing covers up scabs quite as good as melanoma! Yes, friends, when it comes to masking impetigo and cocaine pickings, Cover Girl concealer can't hold a candle to Mohs surgery!
One friend said: “Amy can’t do anything by halves. Recently she has been going for it on the sunbed, but she won’t be told. She bought it to get rid of scabs that started appearing on her skin.”
• And finally, last night Amy and her entourage escaped the clutches of Mitch Winehouse and headed to the Dublin Castle Pub, where Amy proceeded to get well into her cups, call a random man a "wanker", and cold cock him in the face. The punchee, Wayne Lindsay, says:
"She was in front of me at the bar and suddenly turned and smacked me three times across the face. It really stung. I couldn't believe it. I hadn't said a word to her or touched her . . . She was wild. She just flipped. It was as if she had voices in her head."Considering the height of her beehive lately, we'd say it's likely she literally had voices in her head. Voices of a family of rats that have taken residence inside her hairdo. Like Ratatouille! Only with crack instead of herbs de Provence.
Aphrodite reincarnated:
July 03, 2008
Booze-Starved Wild Wino on the Loose!
Occasionally, when nature is overpopulated and food sources are low, wild animals will find their way to urban areas and cause terror as they lope around the pavement, searching for berries or muskrats, until the authorities show up and put a dart in their necks. That's exactly what happened yesterday in London when Amy Winehouse made a break for it and carjacked a random vehicle for a ride to the pub. Because like a deer craves tulip buds, a Winehouse cannot live without ale. The Telegraph reports:
The troubled singer did a runner from her home yesterday and dived into a passing convertible containing a group of girls.Try to imagine the terror you'd feel if you and your buddies were tooling down the street in the late afternoon, laughing, relaxing, maybe humming along to a little T-Pain on the radio. And then, from off to the side, you see an enormous barrel of synthetic black hair and facial scabs screaming towards you, waving its hands and shouting, "Me dad's got me locked up, cor blimey! Fancy takin' me to the fookin' pub for pint, innit?" and spewing crack breath mixed with gingivitis on your custom leather. It would be more horrifying than getting carjacked by a group of disaffected youths with semiautomatics.
They sped off for a 20-minute drive around north London, only for Winehouse to jump out of the moving car in Camden, hurl abuse at the girls and leg it into the nearest pub.
According to eye witnesses, she was eventually dragged out by her exasperated father, Mitch, and taken home, where a burly minder was stationed by the front door - there to bar entry to unwanted visitors, but also seemingly to keep Winehouse out of harm's way.
One onlooker said: "Amy could be heard pleading to be allowed out for some fresh air, only to be told to stick her head out of the back window. Anyone who rang her doorbell had to be given approval by the man on the door. He left after a few hours, only for another big guy to take his place."
And for more on Amy Winehouse's latest antics and why we love her so much, please welcome our special CelebNewsWire correspondent, A Tipsy Lady on the Chicago Bus:
June 24, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Plaid Party Till You Puke
• Mary-Kate Olsen, Nicole Richie and friends enjoy debaucherous party involving tons and tons of . . . plaid flannel? (The Blemish)• Britney Spears sex tape caps? We dunno, dudes. No Bagel Bite residue on anything, so . . . (Yeeeah!)
• Mario Lopez kissed Fergie and lived to tell the tale. (Hollywire)
• Heather Locklear just checked herself before she wrecked herself. Naw, she checked herself into a clinic to deal with depression and other psychological issues. (Faded Youth)
• Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and bustin' loose! Lock up your crack pipes and your Final Net! (CelebWarship)
• Hugh Hefner banged a lot of dames. And his sister-in-law. And a dude. (Celebridiot)
• In case you were wondering, Jennifer Lopez is still a joyless harridan asshole. (D-listed)
• Pam Anderson bares her teeth, growls, and emits a fountain of champagne from her tit. (Cityrag)
• Anne Hathway's now-ex boyfriend just got popped for posing as the Vatican's financial officer. Ahahaha, whatta cutup! (Daily Stab)
• Katherine Heigl ditches the Huggabunch bikini in favor of the Rainbow Brite one. And pairs her UV rays with a few long hard drags off a cigarette. Cancerlicious! (Drunken Stepfather)
June 23, 2008
Amy Winehouse is Doing Great II
Coy enchantress Amy Winehouse is still in the hospital, and despite earlier reports that she was suffering from tuberculosis, she now has a different diagnosis. But don't worry; it's still something associated with the old and infirm: emphysema! According to The Daily Mail, Amy's dad Mitch Winehouse said:
"She's covered in nicotine patches. The only thing that can go into her lungs are fresh air . . . She faces a stark choice - either she sticks to it or she won't sing again. The doctors have said that if she had continued the way she was going she could have ended up an invalid - she wouldn't have been able to breathe. With smoking the crack cocaine and the cigarettes her lungs are all gunked up. There are nodules around the chest and dark marks. She's got 70 percent lung capacity."Hey, that doesn't sound so bad. 70 percent, man, that's a solid C minus.
June 20, 2008
Amy Winehouse is Doing Great
Haunting beauty Amy Winehouse is still in the hospital today after fainting at her home earlier this week. Break out the iron lung, and pretend it's WWII, because Wino might have the TB. Reports The Sun:
Stricken Amy Winehouse is coughing up BLOOD and has a raging chest infection, it emerged last night. Doctors are also worried by skeletal Amy’s weight loss and lack of appetite, other symptoms of tuberculosis. The 24-year-old Back to Black star has an irregular heartbeat and has been on a drip while medics try to wean her off hard drugs. Last night a close pal told The Sun: "Amy is in a bad way. Doctors are still struggling to control her heartbeat but the chest condition has been really worrying them. She’d been been suffering horrible coughing fits and hurling up blood for a while but refused to be examined. Doctors now believe it is tuberculosis and are doing more tests to be certain."What in the name of Christ is wrong with England? They have a team of the finest physicians in the country observing a woman for three days, she's most likely sitting up in bed and taking huge hits off a crack pipe before snorting coke cut with Owens-Corning insulation and they're like, "Tut tut, old girl. Don't have the foggiest what's ailing you." Lots of Americans make disparaging comments about socialized medicine, and now we're thinking that maybe they're onto something here.
June 17, 2008
Amy Winehouse Is a Delicate Blossom
Yesterday, Amy Winehouse fainted at her home and was promptly taken to the hospital, where she remains today for observation. We can only imagine that means that she's being held in a glass cage while children eat cotton candy and point and say, "Wot's it doing now? Why is that skinny gorilla scratching itself like that, Mummy?" The BBC reports:
Amy Winehouse remains in hospital in London after fainting at home on Monday afternoon, with tests on the singer so far proving “inconclusive”.It's great that she can smoke 18 crack rocks and down a bottle of Valium with a quart of Sambuca and then shoot drain opener into her veins and people will let her sleep it off and then film it, but she faints once and it's off to the ICU. We're not doctors or anything, but we're willing to bet that the mass of her beehive finally outweighed that of her body and she just wasn't able to remain upright.
“She seems to be fine in herself, but they are taking their time to be sure,” her spokesman said.
Winehouse had been “doing admin” when she fell ill but “quickly recovered”.
Her manager’s assistant had stopped her falling and Ms Winehouse’s father, Mitch, had taken her to hospital “as a precaution”, the spokesman added. After receiving treatment, she stayed at the London Clinic for observation.
June 09, 2008
YAY! Finally! New Amy Winehouse Song!
Amy Winehouse's charming husband, her Blake Incarcerated, pleaded guilty to beating up a barkeep and then bribing a witness. Another thing he's guilty of: being a total jive turkey. News of the World was contacted by a former friend of Winehouse and husband Blake Fielder-Civil and given a stack of photos and a video. A stirring sequel to its moving predecessor, Amy Winehouse Smokes Crack, the newly-released tape features our favorite lesion-mugged songbird debuting her new single, "Blacks, Pakis, Gooks and Nips":A word to the wise, Amy: when someone says, "I'm not filming this! I swear on your life! I'm not filming!" while aiming a video camera at your face, uhhhh, they're probably filming. Furthermore, we never thought anyone could pull off an update or remake of the musical classic "Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees, Look at These", but once again, Amy makes it work--eye-pulling and boob-indicating intact. Grammys all around!
May 08, 2008
The English Bobbies Have Cracked the Case!
Picture of class and grace Amy Winehouse was arrested again yesterday and brought in for questioning over her crack-smoking video of yore. According to our gossip interventionist, FemaleFirst:
Amy Winehouse's spokesperson said: "Amy voluntarily attended a London police station today by appointment. She was arrested in order to be interviewed and is cooperating fully with inquiries. The interview relates to a video handed to police earlier this year."She was then spotted by several understandably shaken sources, lurching through parks, attempting to groom lice off of neighboring bystanders, and overturning rocks looking for tasty grubs. When asked for a comment, Amy emitted a high-pitched shriek and hucked her feces at her questioner.
Amy then went shopping at 4am this morning (08.05.08), just hours after being arrested on drugs charges.
The singer chatted to photographers as she left her North London home, asking for suggestions for a new tattoo.Wearing a bandana with her husband's name written on it, she headed for a nearby petrol station to pick up drinks and magazines and seemed unconcerned about events from earlier in the day.
May 07, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Megan Fox Gets Plump
• Megan Fox takes "next Angelina Jolie" title literally, gets lipplants. (ONTD)• Elisha Cuthbert stalks the sandy landscape in a bikini; cuddles muscular male; gets handsy with own buttocks. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's wedding photos will be in People. And they talk about being "soul mates". Even though they've known each other for six weeks. (Celebitchy)
• What mysterious pull do these Maddens have? Lindsay Lohan was busted trying to pick up Joel (that's Nicole Richie's Madden, not Paris Hilton's Madden) at a club the other night. There's not enough Maddens to go around. (Yeeeah!)
• Angelina Jolie is reportedly going to have twin girls. They'll have their mother's looks and their father's . . . looks. They can't go wrong! (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Amy Winehouse is slowly devolving from soulful songstress to drunken party girl to crackhead to missing link to ape. Photographic evidence exists. (Holy Taco)
• Uma Thurman's name begins with a "u". So does the word "upskirt". Aaaand that's the closest we cam come to a joke here. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• In other Lohan news, she's still stealing clothing from her friends. Because when girls' daddies don't love them, the fill up their hearts with pilfered fur. (The Blemish)
• Blake Lively may play a high schooler on Gossip Girl, but that rack is alllll freshman year at a state U, baby. (Fatback)
• Jessica Simpson must, she must, she must increase her bust. (Cityrag)
• Post-birth, Halle has some Berry nice cleavage. We knew our childhood obsession with Strawberry Shortcake speak would come in handy some day! (Flisted)
April 29, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: She's Still Got (T)it!
• Elizabeth Hurley's colossal cleavage never seems to age. Baffling! (The Blemish)• Amy Winehouse and her imprisoned husband: they're either going to be "together forever", or she's cheating on him and will be forced to give him three million dollars. Either way, she's screwed. (Female First)
• Tom Cruise was once Cher's bagel boy. And by that, we mean he spread his cream on her hole. Wait, no. The other way around. (Hollywood Grind)
• 'Scuse me while I kiss this dong. Move over, Marilyn, it's the Jimi Hendrix sex tape! Does he play a right-handed vagina left-handed? Watch and find out.(I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Disney says that we won't be seeing much of Miley Cyrus in the wake of her "nude" photo "controversy". Unless she's in a full body condom with a scarlet letter on it. (The Hollywood Gossip)
• Hulk Hogan uses suntan oil . . . to lube up daughter Brooke Hogan's crotch? Miley, what have you wrought with your suggestive posing and infectious pop grooves? The whole world's gone crazy! (Drunken Stepfather)
• Leah Remini's daughter is an asshole. (Derek Hail)
• When John Travolta notices that his new facial hair configuration looks like two porn star landing strips, he will squeal, "Ew, get it off, get it offffff!" (Yeeeah!)
• Keeley Hazell. Dancing. In her undies. (Holy Taco)
• Former Full House fox Lori Loughlin joins the cast of the new improved 90210. It's like 1990 all over again. (Hollywire)
April 25, 2008
Amy Winehouse Assaults People, Lamppost
The beautiful and talented and oh, did we mention beautiful? Miss Amy Winehouse personified English grace, charm and modesty on Wednesday night with a quiet evening out with friends in London. According to The Sun:
[Amy Winehouse], is to be quizzed by police after claims she headbutted a Good Samaritan who hailed her a cab outside a bar. Amy, said to have punched a second victim in the face, sank to a horrific new low while high on Class A drugs. Onlookers told how the married singer also snogged a mystery fella at a nightspot and shocked punters by overturning tables and drinks. She was later seen smoking drugs in the street, walked into a lamppost, and riled a cabbie by paying only HALF her promised fare home.Today, she apparently cried all the way to the police station after her people picked her up and drove her to her questioning. Honestly, she has nothing to worry about. It's England--the country that would only put Pete Doherty in jail after his 43rd drug arrest. At most, the bobbies will say, "Tut tut, then, missus!" and give her a cookie. Or a "biscuit", as it were. If she gets sent to trial, she and the judge can have a wig-off.
UPDATE: Forget questioning, they straight-up arrested her! Maybe that headbutt was more serious than we thought. After all, her hair probably weighs more than a cannonball and is twice as hard.
April 24, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: A Whole Bundch of Side Boob
• Gisele gifts us with the side of her supermodel superbooble. (Drunken Stepfather)• All hail the Poshycat Doll. (Daily Stab)
• Kids, heed the sad tale of Naomi Campbell's hairline: weave abuse leads to baldness. (Yeeeah!)
• Rihanna has a crotch that emits mystical hot pink beams! (Cityrag)
• More Mischa Barton titty buttons from Closing the Ring. Now with video! (Egotastic!)
• Julia Roberts stinks. (FemaleFirst)
• Julianne Moore shows Moore of herself. Namely, nipples. (Fatback)
• Billie Piper flashed a peck of freckled poppers. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Amy Winehouse spends a night being dainty and demure. (CelebWarship)
• Miley Cyrus in a typical MySpace picture pose. I.e., with exposed underwear. (Pop Crunch)
April 21, 2008
Wino Boobs=Smack
Just about a month ago we were given the gift of Amy Winehouse's tape-covered 'hab-bags, and at the time we mentioned the curious fact that "Amy Winehouse nude" had been one of CelebNewsWire's top ten search phrases for a couple of months. Well, we're sorry to report that your interest in Wino's wobblies has diminished since that need was partially placated, with "Amy Winehouse nude" now pulling in to the #16 station. But fret not, our crack-fiend-loving brethren, because Amy's jailed junky hubby may just pique your interest anew--by trading a topless snap for a fix. Reports England's People (which seems a lot more interesting and salacious than its Stateside namesake): Amy Winehouse will be left seething when she sees her banged-up hubby has traded intimate photos of her to feed his heroin habit in jail.We are Yanks, so there are many things about England that we don't understand, but their legal system has to be at the top of the list. Pete Doherty had to get caught with drugs like 42 times before he went to jail, yet Blake has been locked up on suspicion of perverting justice for three years now, we think. Was he ever convicted of anything? Was there ever a trial? We don't think so, but we haven't really been trailing Amy and Blakey too closely lately, mostly because of the smell. But we are happy to learn that England's jail system seems to work pretty much the same as ours in the U.S.: Amy Winehouse topless photos are less valuable than tobacco, which is less valuable than heroin. Sounds about right.
Desperate Blake Fielder-Civil gave a fellow lag seven snaps including one of the singer with her boobs spilling out of a bra.
He exchanged them for tobacco - which he then swapped with another inmate for the drug.
Superstar Amy, 24, knew the 25-year-old loser had been selling signed publicity shots of her while he's on remand in London's Pentonville jail.
But she'll be outraged when she finds out the rat has betrayed her by flogging personal pictures.
A friend said last night: "She'll be livid - the photos are her memories and for Blake to sell them is a real let-down. Amy won't believe he can stoop this low."
A prison source said: "Blake is in a bad way and is always desperate for any drugs he can get his hands on. Some of the photos of Amy are a bit racy but he obviously puts his habit before his wife."
The seven snaps include three of the loved-up couple canoodling on a hotel balcony on their wedding day in Miami almost a year ago.
Others show Amy posing in a bra - and sticking out her tongue as she frolics in a pool in a bikini.
But the most upsetting image for the Back To Black star is the boobbaring shot of her in lacy undies.
April 15, 2008
Booze, Baby, Booze
Forget rehab. Forget sober companions. Forget therapy, psych wards, and changing one's blood a la Keith Richards in the 1970s. Amy Winehouse is starting her own trend in the quest to kick her drug and alcohol habit--employing a sober baby to accompany her everywhere. Good thing too, because she was recently overheard wailing at a party that her impetigo was getting worse, according to The Blemish:
“I’ve been told I’ll lose my looks over this—but I can’t give it up! I’m told my scars might never heal. My dermatologist says it’s a result of the drugs and it could spread to other parts of my body if I don’t quit. What will I do if I lose my looks? Blake will never love me like that.”Oh, and she said this while horfing rail after rail of cocaine from a toilet lid. If only she had employed her sober baby earlier. Direct your gaze to the picture at left, and you will see this irresistably huggable little moppet doing his job well, successfully pinching Wino's nostrils so as to make it physically impossible for her to do her drug of choice. However, five minutes later...
That baby is so fired.
March 26, 2008
Amy Winehouse's Cape Town Clean Up
If watching the New Year's Day marathon of Intervention on A&E has taught us anything about drug addicts, it's this: gay guys really love meth. Especially when they were raised Mormon. But aside from that, it's taught us that sometimes it takes more than one or two or three stabs at rehab before it sticks. Here's hoping that's the case with be-beehived, lesion-faced chanteuse Amy Winehouse, who is apparently headed back to recovery. According to CelebWarship, a source close to Winehouse says:
“Amy has admitted she needs to check into rehab again. There are too many temptations for her in the UK, people around her in London are making it impossible for her to stay clean for any length of time. Her management had considered flying her to a clinic in Israel but are now looking further afield. They are assessing a clinic in Cape Town in South Africa.”Hey, man, it took Lohan three tries. It took Robert Downey Jr. about forty. It's just funny that Amy's people think that Israel's not far away enough. Perhaps they should look into a research facility at the bottom of the Coral Sea. Or one on Melmac. Or how about at the Los Angeles Celebrity Scientology Center? We hear that nice Tom Cruise has personally helped people off drugs. Because he knows. He knows.
As for the scabs covering her body, Amy’s rep claimed she suffered from a bacterial infection called impetigo, however, that might not be the full truth.
Doctor Carol Cooper said: “The damage is quite severe, but not unusual with crack cocaine abuse. She’s got a number of sores, some of which look infected, and others that have formed ulcers.”
March 24, 2008
Pee Pee on Wino's Face
Move over venti double mocha pumpkin latteeccinos and birthing twins. There's a new trend in town, and it's called putting pee on your face. Catch the wave! Or the trickle, rather. If Amy Winehouse is slathering her gorgeous mug with piss, surely Oil of Olay will introduce a revolutionary new line called Urine Luck by the end of the month. The Daily Mail reports (via Yeeeah!): A friend [of Amy’s] said “Amy’s tried all sorts of lotions and potions but none works. She is desperately unhappy with her appearance and she is happy to try anything that may clear up her condition. She is praying [putting] urine [on her face] will work.”We weren't about to take Vanessa Williams's advice on this subject. After all, she's just a facially gifted forty-five-year-old former beauty queen; what does she know about looking one's best? Amy Winehouse, though, that girl knows from skin care. She's obviously tried everything and must know what's worth a crack (har har) and what's not, right?
March 20, 2008
Amy Winehouse: Nude and Impetigo Free!
We at CelebNewsWire claim to be pretty in tune with what our readers desire in their celebrity ogling, but sometimes you just stump us. We never would have guessed that one of our top ten search terms for months in a row would be Amy Winehouse nude. Who knew that's what you wanted to see? Amy Winehouse sucking on a crack pipe? Yes. Amy Winehouse covered in scabs? Yes. But Amy Winehouse nude? We're amazed. Thankfully Ms. Wino herself has served up one of your biggest desires in the name of charity. Sure, all her junk is safely hidden away, but we're not sure you could've handled what you would find there anyway. She's probably hiding a shiv and a couple of loaded syringes in there in hopes that she'll soon get a conjugal visit with Blake. Anywho, WENN reports on the snap: Troubled Amy Winehouse has posed for a nude photo shoot to raise breast cancer awareness among young women. The singer appears naked in the April issue of British magazine Easy Living after she stripped off for photographer Carolyn Djangoly. In the black and white snapshot, Winehouse is captured playing a guitar, which covers her genitals, while two pieces of duct tape cover her nipples. The 24-year-old isn't the only celebrity posing naked for the campaign - singer Sade and actress Helena Bonham Carter also removed their clothing for the picture project.Well, hot damn. That Easy Living magazine is doing a much better job of reading the public's minds than we are, because if you would have asked us yesterday who we would most want to see naked, Amy Winehouse, Sade, and Helena Bonham Carter would have been the first three names to pass our lips. With Sade first, of course. Pining for Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and Scarlett Johansson is just so passé.
March 18, 2008
CNW: "I Said Impeti-Go, Go"
• Hey, Amy. Maybe you should extend that liner to cover your entire face. (Flisted)• Eva Mendes gets a job shilling Calvin Klein drawers! Just like Marky Mark, only with more substance abuse and less wiggerliness. Same size boobs, though. (Yeeeah!)
• Clip of Brit's appearance on How I Met Your Mother. Talking about shopping with Doogie Howser? Ooooh, that's fabulous, girlfriend! (The Superficial)
• Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton fighting again. Fighting over Maddens. That's kind of like arguing about which Nelson brother is cooler (the answer is Gunner, obviously). (Celebitchy)
• Eva Longoria's wedding tattoo disappeared. Maybe she used WRECKING BALM! (Daily Stab)
• Eliot Spitzer enjoyed Charlie Sheen's sloppy seconds. Surprisingly, we're not talking about Denise Richards. (Bitten and Bound)
• Jennifer Aniston is a dutiful flosser; probably has no plaque buildup in her ass crack. (The Blemish)
• Punky Brewster has another daughter and names her JAGGER. We can't wait to have babies named Staley and Weiland and Stapp. (CelebWarship)
• Pamela Anderson's famished vagina snacks on spangled panties. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Nicole Kidman's bodyguard goes ape crazy on a paparazzo. (Holy Taco)
March 07, 2008
Amy Winehouse Snorts Vodka. That's Right. Amy Winehouse Snorts Vodka.
Years ago, we were fortunate enough to see the Motley Crue Behind the Music, also known as The Greatest Thing to Air on Television Ever. And we heard the tale of Ozzy Osbourne snorting a line of ants. We thought that we would never again be witness to something so grotesque, but then Tommy Lee started talking about how he and Nikki Sixx would intravenously inject Jack Daniels. And for lo, these many years, nothing has topped that in terms of "desperate and objectionable". But that was before Amy Winehouse was released from rehab onto an unsuspecting public. According to The Mirror Amy was hanging out at Bunglaow 8 in London and:
"She was sat next to Kelly and Miquita when she covered one nostril, tilted her head back and sucked the vodka shot down her open nostril through a straw. She threw back her head and reeled in shock and everyone around her looked stunned. She necked the top of the shot and lit the rest with a lighter. Then she grabbed a straw and sucked what was left up her nose."At first, we thought this was an urban legend along the lines of Stevie Nicks's assistant blowing cocaine up her butthole with a straw, but apparently there were witnesses, who then saw Amy get up and shake a tail feather:
The five-times Grammy winner [begged] a pal to teach her the dangerous “duttywine” dance, which can cause serious neck injury and pain. A spy said: “Amy was on top form and begged a pal to teach her the dance where you spin your head around really fast while you wind into the ground. Amy was so into it at one point her beehive nearly fell off.”Damn these kids and their dangerous rock and roll dancing. First Peggy Sue twists her ankle doing the Huckabuck, then little Travis sprains his pelvis doing the Humpty Dance. Now Amy loses her weavehive during the Duttywine. When will the madness end?
March 03, 2008
Amy Winehouse Has the Creeping Crud
Here's sassy, saucy Amy Winehouse doing the international gesture for BJ. Actually, her mumps-ish face is the result of the infectious skin condition impetigo. According to the Mayo Clinic:
Impetigo starts as a red sore that quickly ruptures, oozes for a few days and then forms a yellowish-brown crust that looks like honey or brown sugar. The disease is highly contagious, and scratching or touching the sores is likely to spread the infection to other parts of the body as well as to other people.Amy is a resourceful sort, and should look at it this way: the oozing brown sores make a nice backup if you need to make an eyeliner touch-up in a pinch. When life gives you lemons, make crack!
February 26, 2008
Keira Knightley's Cosme-tits
These days, film studios have CGI wings, but according to "two aspirins on an ironing board" beauty Keira Knightley, once upon a dream, in the golden age of Hollywood, there instead existed sections of trained artisans devoted entirely to the artistic shading and contouring of human breasts. Like Keebler elves they diligently worked, adding a stripe of cinnamon here, a dash of silvery highlighter there, until mamnificent perfection was achieved. On her ample Pirates of the Carribbean bosoms, Keira explains:
"They painted my tits on me for the films, which is extraordinary because it's kind of a dying art form - in the past, they used to have whole sections of the studios devoted to bosom make-up. And I loved it, completely loved it. Because it was the first time in my life I had big tits, and I didn't even need surgery.”Keira might want to take note: allegedly, Amy Winehouse is looking to launch a line of makeup. Reports The Sun:
“She wants to bring out a range of cosmetics and fashion products. There could be hairspray, head scarves, liquid eyeliner, perfume. All the things that are distinctive of her look.”Hopefully, Winehouse's cosmetics line will be out in time for Keira's next major motion picture. And in place of carefully contoured cleavage stripes, she will sport winged black Ronettes liner shooting out of each boob, and a single chola jailbird tear leaking out of one nipple. more »
February 14, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Stealin' Babies and Batteries
• Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib, married? Married? Yeah, married. Married? Yeah, married! Sheesh! (I Don't Like You In That Way)• Miley Cyrus publicly apologizes for not wearing her seat belt. No seat belt is a slippery slope that leads headlong into Crotchflashtown and San Rehabton. (IMDb)
• Emma "Hermione" Watson gets slimed by Kirsten Dunst's leftovers. (The Sun)
• Bai Ling arrested for hamburglaring some gossip rags and a pack of batteries from an airport gift shop. Maybe she wanted to power up her G-spotter to use while gazing at herself in the fashion "What Were They Thinking?" section. (Celebitchy)
• Oh, shut your tamalehole, J. Lo. Nobody wants to steal your dumb old crusty old babies. (The Blemish)
• The Madamism of Hollywood. Waylon Flowers would be delighted. (Cityrag)
• Say what you will about Kim Kardashian, that sitter of hers is A number one. (HolyTaco)
• Amy Winehouse upgrades to Blake v. 2.0: all the creepiness none of the jail. Now with Magic-Gro Hair! (The Superficial)
• Aguilera debuts her infink. (Daily Stab)
• Kristen Bell gets rung! (Don't Link This)
February 11, 2008
Amy Winehouse Cleans Up, In Several Different Ways
So the Grammys happened last night. Rihanna performed with Morris Day and the Time, making us think that it was 1984 and we were listening to the 45 of "Jungle Love" on our Goofy record player. Also, Herbie Hancock won Album of the Year, making us think that it was 1982 and we were laughing, mouth full of Fruit Wrinkles, at his funny robot leg video before switching the channel to Shirt Tales. In addition, Amy Winehouse won a bunch of stuff, thanked "my Blake, incarcerated" like a straight thug boo should, and appeared lucid, charming, non-slurry, sober, and pretty with-it, making us think it was . . . what year was Amy Winehouse last sober? Let's see, she was born in 1983, made her first album in 2003, hm . . . da da da, carry the two, square root of . . . (frantically counting on fingers) . . . 1989? OK, so we just picked a completely arbitrary year, whatever, we just wanted a chance to revisit Skidz. And Michel'le.Egotastic! is teeming with Grammy red carpet pics, so have a look.
January 30, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: "Stinkin'. S-T-I-N-K-I-N."
• Uma Uma Uma mow mow ma ma Uma mow mow. In a bikini. (Though, going by the cast on her arm, these may be old, mow mow) (Hollywood Tuna)• Britney's still on the loose, and so are her breasts. (Taxi Driver)
• Kate Hudson says that Matthew McConaughey smells like hot garbage. (Yeeeah!)
• Sean Young's fun-loving, booze-guzzling ass heads to rehab. And the softcore thriller industry grinds to a screeching halt for 90 days. (IMDb)
• J. Lo and Corpsey plan to name their twins after the costar of Doogie Howser, M.D. and the plus size hostess of various E! programs. (Daily Stab)
• Diora Baird makes with the MySpace-style nudie shots. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Nicole Richie plans on getting back down to fighting weight ASAP. Fighting weight being 83 lbs. (Celeb Parasite)
• In the midst of a family intervention, Britney buys a new Mercedes. Because she can. Suck it, bitches! (GlossLip)
• Amy Winehouse's mom is a regular ray of sunshine; talks headstones and caskets. (Holy Taco)
January 25, 2008
Amy Winehouse Trying to Be Amy Cleanhouse
We've covered drunken upskirt lady biz and fetuses, now for the third element in our daily Hollywood triumvirate: drugs. Amy Winehouse is in rehab, for real this time. Swear. A statement from Universal, her record label, reads:
"Amy Winehouse's planned appearance at the NRJ Awards in France on Saturday has been cancelled as the artist has entered a rehabilitation clinic. Amy decided to enter the facility today after talks with her record label, management, family and doctors. She has come to understand that she requires specialist treatment to continue her ongoing recovery from drug addiction and prepare for her planned appearance at the Grammy Awards. Amy entered the facility by mutual agreement and continues to receive the full support of all concerned."Good show, Wino, old girl. Good show, indeed. However, now you're going to have to change the words to your infamous song. May we suggest "They tried to make me tame my beehive, I said 'fro, 'fro, 'fro?" No? How about "They fried and baked me dungeness crab, I said mo'! Mo'! Mo'!"? No? C'mon! C'mooonnnn. Fine, we'll just take our superior jingle-making skills on over to the Red Lobster down on Route 19. We'll sell that last one to their ad geniuses and then turn that place into a hit factory! The Brill Building never had a Seaside Shrimp Trio and delicious cheesy biscuits, baby.
January 23, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: No, No, No. Ella, Ella, Ella.
• Heath Ledger's autopsy proved to be "inconclusive". (The Hollywood Gossip)• However, cops are saying that drug packets were found in his room, along with a $20 bill rolled up in a "suspicious" fashion. Maybe it was origami-folded into the shape of Snidely Whiplash! (TMZ)
• Possibly the last picture of Heath taken (very Depp!), on the set of his movie, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Which sounds like a poor man's Dr. Magorium's Wonder Imporium. (Derek Hail)
• Sylvester Stallone says that he's nothing but a "tiny fairy". Don't do 'roids, kids. (FemaleFirst)
• The fat kid from Stand By Me is not only married to Rebecca Romijn, he does a high-larious Tom Cruise iimpression. (Yeeeah!)
• Keeley Hazell is pretty. She has big breasts. Let us gaze upon her image and swell with joy and erectile tissue. (Popoholic)
• Whoops! Guess she said "no, no, no" after all. Fantastic, we wouldn't have wanted her to harm the integrity of her hit single. (A Socialite's Life)
• Rihanna, half naked, covered in water. Insert obligatory "Umbrella" joke. (Cityrag)
• Attention, France! Your do not have supermodel-singer Carla Bruni as a first lady. Haha, France! In your face! You lose! Although you do produce very delicious breads and cheeses and berets. We'll give you that much, France. (Celeb Warship)
• Here is a list of Oscar nominations. Not only are we witty and rich and can bench 550 pounds, we're helpful, too! (Allie Is Wired)
January 22, 2008
Back to Crack
Amy Winehouse has never heeded the wise words of sage Whitney Houston. She did not believe that the greatest love of all is learning to love yourself, and she certainly hasn't learned that crack is indeed whack. Here she is sucking the glass weenis during a party at her home on Friday night: Depressing? Groty? Exploitative? Sure, sure, sure. But hey, who knows what's really in that pipe? Maybe it's strawberry-infused hookah tobacco. Maybe it's raw carrots and wheatgrass. Maybe it's just a newfangled no-budge lipstick she's applying. She can call it "Mama's Lipstick" in honor of Britney and mama's lollipops.
UPDATE: She said yes, yes, yes.
UPDATE: She said yes, yes, yes.
January 10, 2008
Well, That Looks Nice
Oh, hey, look. Lily Tomlin bleached her hair and dressed up as Carmen Miranda in costume as Rosie the Riveter.(Photo via Splash News)
December 05, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: The People vs. Teri's Piehole
• Teri Hatcher is being sued over lip gloss. The American justice system: serious business. (CelebTV)• Heather Mills (McCartney) shows off her strawberry fields, forever. Do you wanna hold her glands? You might have a hard day's night, though she appears to be giving everyone a ticket to ride, so let's all come together, etc. etc. and so forth. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Cindy Crawford has cellulite. Whatever, like you wouldn't still masturbate with her discarded Kleenex. (Egotastic!)
• Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty are making beautiful drugs together. No, wait, we mean beautiful drugs. Shit, not drugs, drugs. Ack! Beautiful music, is what we mean. Wait, no. No, we did mean drugs. (Yeeeah!)
• Paris Hilton gets new lips; looks even more like Alice the Goon. (Derek Hail)
• Megan Fox does the old Uncle Joey "cut! it! out!" (Cityrag)
• John Maya is a str8 playa. (Daily Stab)
• Scarjo did not chop up her nose, and if you say so, she will sue your ass. (Celebitchy)
• Hayden Panettiere dons the 1989 soccer shorts; shows us her pegs. Make some sort of "score" or "goal" joke here, please. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Porn star Mary Carey is auctioning off her recently removed breast implants. A "portion" of the proceeds will go to the Susan G. Komen breast cancer foundation. The rest of the proceeds will go towards abusive puppy mills, toddler sweatshops, and terrorism. (The Blemish)
November 28, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: The Rigors of Touring
• Jennifer Love Hewitt is the new Kardashian. Bla-DOW! (The Blemish)• Flash go the cameras, and out winks the Halle Berry cotton cheek-splitter. (Taxi Driver)
• Brendan Fraser got his head replanted for the winter. (Cityrag)
• Something something about the Hogans . . . something divorce, lawsuit something something-or-other? Oh, whatever. You'd never see the Iron Sheik in this embarrassing position. (Derek Hail)
• Vintage Cindy Crawford--before the Pepsi commercial, before the Gere, back when Aaron Neville face goober was but a freckle on the horizon. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Amy Winehouse has cancelled all her tour dates. Her doctor cites "the rigors involved in touring" and "emotional strain" as the reasons. Which sound like legitimate medical excuses, right up there with "the vapors" and "consumption" and "the grippe". (The Hollywood Gossip)
• "Greetings and salutations. My eyebrows are on top of my skull." (Dlisted)
• Eva Green is a gorgeous gothick angel sent from crazy Joan Collins style heaven and placed upon this earth to teach us all about beauty and love and eyeliner. (Lainey Gossip)
• Face it--you're never going to touch Jessica Alba. So instead, set your sights on her slightly more attainable stunt double! (Daily Stab)
November 21, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "I Just Crave Nicotine Sometimes"
• Hayden Panettiere continues to blaze a flouncy, lace-trimmed trail straight to Saucytown. (Egotastic!)• Amy Winehouse celebrates Christmas early by hanging sparkling white ornaments amongst the branches of her nose hair. (Yeeeah!)
• Hey, look! It's Beyonkadonkcé. (Derek Hail)
• Vanessa Minnillo's bikini bottoms are intelligent, as they wisely creep up her cheek cleave and allow us to rejoice. Huzzah! (Drunken Stepfather)
• When Perry Met Sally. (Celebitchy)
• Dennis Quaid's newborn twins get a leg up on all the other celebrity babies by ODing. That was mean, sorry. (The Blemish)
• Headline of the day: "Nicole Richie's Pooch Pee Plea". (Female First)
• British model/reality star Sophie Anderton will charge you $20K to allow you to snort cocaine off her bewbs and then make the love with her. (Fatback and Collards)
• Ashlee Simpson has secrets. Smoky, smoky secrets. (Allie Is Wired)
November 16, 2007
Amy Wino's Slippy Nip-o
When faced with a photograph of Amy Winehouse, there are far too many places that the eye can fall: the impeccable fashion sense, the neatly groomed coif, the super-classy naked-lady tattoos, the blood stains. So we'll forgive our bloggy associates for missing what appears to be Wino nipple. Who knows, maybe every other blogger in the webiverse noticed the peek of areola and didn't care/felt bad shitting on a chick who's dude is in the clink. But you know us, readers, we love nothing above nipples, not even dignity or compassion. So after the cut: Amy's booby. more »
November 14, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Gimme Moore (in a Bikini)
• Demikini. Bidemi? Moorekini. (Drunken Stepfather)• Amy Winehouse plans to heal from her husband's arrest by backpacking through India. Yeah, there is absolutely nothing funny about that sentence. Nothing mockable there, no siree. (Socialite's Life)
• Tom Cruise sure can cut a rug, boy! Look at 'im jitterbug! He's doin' the Lindy Hop! Go, Tom! (Cityrag)
• Ladies and gentleman, the greatest film ever made: Major Movie Star, with Jessica Simpson. It's like Glitter meets Private Benjamin meets a gigantic BM. (Derek Hail)
• A lady beat up John Stamos on an airplane. Which was well-deserved; he had a hand in "Kokomo". (IMDb/WENN)
• Paris rubbing her person on a pole. Such is her wont. (Egotastic!)
• Lindsay Lohan is back to hanging out with her former element. The bad element. The lesbian element. No, wait, that's the good element. (Yeeeah!)
• Hey, look, it's a bunch of Victoria's Secret chippies dressed up like the Pink Ladies. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Brad and Angelina buy a man-made island in the shape of Ethiopia. Man-made? How gauche, that's like the cubic zirconia of islands. That said, we'll take one in the shape of a middle finger flipping off France. Yeah, buddy! USA! USA! USA! (CelebWarship)
November 09, 2007
Amy Winehouse Gearing Up to Smuggle Shivs In Hairdo
Yesterday afternoon, cops raided the home of Amy Winehouse and her bottom-feeding, hat-favoring spouse, Blake Fielder-Civil. They allegedly used battering rams to get in, even! What a hilarious mental image: English bobbies in funny little hats breaking down a door and then bumbling about, saying, "Sorry. Sorry. Teddibly sorry about the mess, luv." Our gossip Assistant D.A., FemaleFirst, has the 411:
The troubled singer - who has battled alcohol and drug addictions - was out collecting a parcel when eight plain-clothes policemen using battering rams and crowbars smashed through the front door of her Camden house at 4.45pm yesterday (08.11.07).We're just as surprised as you are. There was probaly 18 tons of pure crack chilling underneath the mattress, yet the cops nail Blake on some sort of pervert charge. Well, considering this is probably the only way that we'll ever get another album out of Amy--or get her to show up for concerts and video shoots--this is probably a good thing. Unless Blake has to forfeit his jaunty chapeaux in prison. That would be a tragedy of epic proportions.
A distraught Amy then watched husband Blake Fielder-Civil be taken away by police over charges of a conspiracy to pervert justice through his involvement with a £200,000 plot to fix a trial. Looking tearful and confused, and hyperventilating, 24-year-old Amy cried as handcuffed Blake was led away by police: "Baby, I love you. Baby, I'll be fine. I'll be fine, baby I love you."
Blake's mother, Georgette, said: "Amy is totally distraught. She's in pieces and rang me in a panic. She's too upset to talk right now, but we all need to be together. I'm on my way to see her now."
Blake, along with his friend Michael Brown, have both been accused of brutally assaulting barman James King, and allegedly offered him £200,000 in a bid to get him to change his police statement. If 25-year-old Blake is convicted of conspiracy to pervert justice, he could receive a life sentence.
November 02, 2007
Richards. McGowan. Winehouse!
Last night, Amy Winehouse performed her song "Back to Black" at the MTV Europe awards.Incredible stuff. We're always moved by great lyrics.
October 19, 2007
Amy Pothouse
We always assumed that the Scandinavian peoples were known for their lenience when it came to kicking back and burning one, but alas, the good people of Norway have arrested and fined subtle beauty Amy Winehouse for marijuana possession. Our gossip NA sponsor, Female First, has the poop:
Amy Winehouse was arrested for drug possession in Norway yesterday (18.10.07).While it was inevitable that Winehouse would eventually get busted for drugs, being arrested for POT of all things is akin to a softened boner when it comes to celebrity drug arrests. Come on, a "small quantity" of weed as the downfall of a notorious enjoyer of both crack cocaine and heroin? Haley Joel Osment had a more brutal substance bust than that.
The 'Rehab' singer and her husband Blake Fielder-Civil spent the evening in police cells after being arrested at the Radisson SAS Hotel Norge Bergen at 7pm last night after guests complained they could smell marijuana smoke coming from Amy's room.
Police were alerted and officers discovered a stash of marijuana after searching Amy's hotel suite.
A witness said: "There were four police cars parked around the back of the hotel yesterday for some time so it looks like they were waiting for the right moment. They were in and out of her room very swiftly and didn't make a fuss."
Bergen police have confirmed they arrested the couple and confiscated a "small quantity" of the drug from the singer's room.
August 29, 2007
The Bod Vs. The Beehive
We post a lot of bikini pictures here at CelebNewsWire. Bikinis, nipples, chair cheeks--this is our milieu. Never do we feel quite so at home as when we down our morning cup of our own urine, fire up the ole ColecoVision, and settle down to share some nice photographs of celebrities in skimpy spandex. Today, we bring to you possibly the most exciting and enchanting star bikini pictures yet--Amy Winehouse. Is it the dreaded-up yarn weave in a do-rag, the grandpa tattoos, or the ballet flat perma-stains that turn our pupils into comical beating hearts and make our wieners go boing? We know not, but a seductress hasn't had this effect on us since the halcyon days of Loni Anderson.
Oh, and to compare and contrast, here's the other end of the spectrum. Elle MacPherson in a bikini. You may want to have a small paper bag or garbage pail or some other sort of container handy, because when you scroll down to view these pictures, the sheer hideousness of Elle in a bikini may cause reverse peristalsis and involuntary projectile chucking. You may even crap yourself a little. It's been known to happen with Gorgons, and Elle (shudder) MacPherson is not too far away from that. Just look at her. Just look! Vomitorium!
more »
August 24, 2007
Amy Winehouse and Husband Take the British Term "Bloody" Too Literally
Can't a man not control his bitch with violence? Y'all are brutalizing me. Ronnie and Tammy Dobbs take a real-life form today as a mushmouthed Englishwoman and a tool in a porkpie hat. Early yesterday morning, Amy Winehouse and her unemployed husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, were not so Fielder-Civil to one another as they engaged in a hearty bout of fisticuffs. According to the Daily Mail:
Guests at the Sanderson hotel reported hearing the sound of clattering furniture and screaming coming from [Amy and Blake’s] £500-a-night suite. The fight left 23-year-old Winehouse with blood staining her pink ballet shoes and the knees of her jeans. Purple bruises could be seen on the side of her neck and her knuckles were swollen. But her 24-year-old husband appeared to have come off a lot worse with cuts and scratches on both cheeks and around his neck.Today, Amy texted Perez Hilton that:
Blake is the best man in the world. We would never ever harm each other... I was cutting myself after he found me in our room about to do drugs with a call girl and rightly said I wasn't good enough for him. I lost it and he saved my life . . . He did not and never has hurt me. He has such a hard time and he so supportive . . . He is an amazing man who saved my life again and got cut badly for his troubles . . . All he get's is horrible stories printed about him and he just keeps quiet, but this is too much.We took a gander at the pictures of the clotted aftermath of Blake and Amy's romantic tussle, and we're inclined to believe Amy's passionate Blackberry plea. It's clear that Blake was simply trying to slap that preposterous eye makeup off Amy's lids, and Amy, similarly, was using her fingernails with some force to finally wrench that douchetacular Euroscarf from around her husband's neck. In the next few weeks, expect plenty of lash marks and festering head wounds as Blake succeeds in tearing that braided leather belt from Amy, as she liberates him from his scoop-neck tank tops. The battle against poor fashion and grooming can be a brutal one, and we commend the Winehouse-Fielder-Civils for their obvious commitment to each other's appearances.
August 17, 2007
Amy Winehouse Re-Rehabs; Shoplifts
Huzzah for Amy Winehouse! Excelsior! When was the last time we had a rock star clearly out of her gourd, subsisting on nothing but pharmaceutical grade narcotics and Final Net hairspray? Judy Garland? Or C.C. DeVille, possibly. It seems that Amy has pulled a Spears, leaving rehab after a mere 48 hours along with her husband/enabler, Blake Fielder-Civil. According to several reports, she and dear husband left the clinic via helicopter, sunk a few pints at the local pub, and then Amy hamburgled a magazine:
Astonished onlookers witnessed the troubled singer whip a magazine off a shop shelf in Camden, North London, and leave, apparently without paying. After paying for a few items, the Back to Black star furtively glanced over her shoulder before grabbing a copy of the New Musical Express from the shelf and leaving.And now Amy has allegedly returned to rehab and cancelled all her appearances for the month of August. Her rep says:
"Amy Winehouse is putting all her touring commitments for this month on hold until further notice in order to address her health issues. Amy will now not be performing at this weekend's V Festival in Chelmsford and Staffordshire. Her family has requested that the media respect Amy's privacy at this time."And now we know why she wears her hair like so. It's filled with drugs. And periodicals.
August 14, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "You Liars. You Bulimic Liars.”
• Everyone in the world has an eating disorder except for Courtney Love. Or is that Janice from the Muppets, naked? (Celebitchy)• Jessica Alba plays blind. Blind and nipply. (Yeeeah!)
• Jenna Jameson done got her face fucked screwy. (Egotastic)
• Charlize Theron ponies up some major cleavage for the movie Hancock. And now you will put your han on your cock. (Daily Stab)
• Hayden Panettiere wears shorts so short, they may as well be panties. Pantierres? Pantyerres? (Drunken Stepfather)
• Amy Winehouse finally says "Sure, sure, sure" to rehab. Sellout. (Hollywood Grind)
• Scary Spice's new husband killed a duck with a brick. Really. That's not an obtuse metaphor. Scary Spice's new husband killed a duck with a brick. (The Blemish)
• Posh Spice's blog is SO MAJOR! (Allie Is Wired)
• Hey, Diane Kruger, that water looks awful cold. (Taxi Driver)
• Angelina Jolie's getting an itchy adoption finger again. Watch out, Africa, she's comin' to gitcha. (Celeb Warship)
August 09, 2007
Amy Winehouse Either Really Tired or Really High
Amy Winehouse was hospitalized yesterday morning in London for acute Lohanitis. According to a rep at Island/Universal, her record label:
"Amy was admitted to the UCLH this morning, suffering from severe exhaustion. She was discharged this afternoon and has been advise to take complete rest. All scheduled performances are now postponed."But according to our gossip town elder, FemaleFirst.com:
Amy Winehouse was rushed to hospital after reportedly collapsing from a drugs overdose yesterday (08.08.07).Well, we hope for the sake of the other people in the ER that Amy really was in the throes of an OD. Because the old guy having a heart attack, the lady with the pickaxe through her head and the child who just got lawnmowered with his toes in a glass of milk on his lap probably wouldn't take too kindly to being shunted aside for a celebrity who needed a nap.
The shockingly thin 'Rehab' singer was taken to London's University College Hospital by her frantic husband Blake Fielder-Civil at 1am, after she passed out at their home following a suspected drink and drugs binge.
The semi-conscious 23-year-old star was immediately treated by concerned doctors who administered an adrenaline shot and pumped her stomach.
A witness told Britain's The Sun newspaper: "She was falling over and stumbling around. She didn't look well at all.
"Her husband was holding her up because she couldn't really stand on her own.
"The nurse must have been really worried about her, because even though there was a big crowd of people in the waiting area, she was rushed straight through."
July 26, 2007
Good Ol' Stretch Winehouse
If our stats are to be believed, a staggering 174 of you out there wish to see Amy Winehouse nude. Short of installing tiny hidden cameras in the bottom of Sambuca bottles in various sundry English pubs, we don't think we can make this happen exactly, but here are some shots of Amy's truly succulent cleavage. Not only does Amy have a very distinctive voice and fashion sense, but she has striped breasts. Which trumps plain old boring naked ones any day of the week, friends. So enjoy! We at CelebNewsWire are in the business of making dreams come true--we're exactly like the Make-A-Wish Foundation, only without all that gross spina bifida and stuff!
July 18, 2007
They Tried to Make Me Go to the Dentist, Etc.
Hi! We just wanted an excuse to post this picture of Amy Winehouse.
June 12, 2007
Kate Moss Said No, No, No To Amy Winehouse's Husband
You may not be able to tell the difference between the chapeaued men who stick their withered British dicks inside Kate Moss and Amy Winehouse, but Cokate definitely notices the distinction. When Kate encountered Winehouse's husband, Blake Fielder-Civil (whom we're convinced lifted his very English name straight from an Evelyn Waugh novel and is actually an opportunistic grifter from central Ohio), at the Isle of Wight music festival over the weekend, she was none too pleased. Relays Celebrity Warship: Still celebrating her blinding set on Saturday, Amy and her new hubby yesterday headed for the VIP Rolling Stones backstage area.We're surprised that Kate didn't see Blake's approaching fedora and greet him with a "Hey, baby" and a hearty face licking. We mean, look at the guy:
But after working his way through a rider of 24 bottles of champagne, Blake was feeling lairy and jumped on Kate at the bar.
The model, at the event with Pete Doherty, reacted violently as Blake tried to put an arm round her. An onlooker said: “Kate went mental. Blake asked where her boyfriend was and she sneered ‘Gone for a piss, you fucking queer.’
“Kate shouted to her security guard, ‘Get him out the way’, and he was thrown out.”
Had we seen that picture without an explanation, we would have thought, "That's a great wig, Kate. Is it from the Ken Paves collection?"
more »
April 24, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Jonathan Rhyshab Meyers
• They try to make me wear a tee-shirt, I said, no, no, no. (Egotastic!)• They tried to make Jonathan go to Rhyshab, he said, no, no, n--well, okay. (Female First)
• John Krasinski from The Office and Renée Zellweger? OK, that sounds fine, carry on. (I'm Not Obsessed)
• Scarlett Johansson's handsome jumblies are SNL's new Hans and Franz. Because they'll pump (clap) you up. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Scary Spice's daughter is not named Fortuna, as previously reported. She's Angel Iris Murphy Brown. Because everybody loves Candice Bergen! (D Listed)
• Morgan Fairchild: she's still got (t)it! (Drunken Stepfather)
• Some rich Russian guy wants to pay Jennifer Lopez $2 million dollars to sing at a party. Little does he know that stateside, a J. Lo warbling usually goes for around $36.99 and a half a pack of Fruit Stripe. (IDontLikeYouInThatWay)
• It's been a few weeks since we've dipped our chalice into the lusty lake that is Jessica Biel's rotund squatter. Let's do. (Yeeeah!)
• Speaking of asses, here's Nicky Hilton's. She does not share her sister's unfortunate goiteresque gluteal growth. (Taxi Driver)
• Hilary Duff strokes a thick, wrinkled, fleshy tube. (Popoholic)
• Suri Cruise hits the party circuit. (Bricks and Stones)
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