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filed under: Amy Winehouse

July 30, 2008

Someone Slipped Wino a Mickey

amy_winehouse_scab_face.jpgWelcome to AmyWinehouseNewsWire, your A-number-one source for all things Amy Winehouse, every day, all the time. Listen, people, we want to report on the crust-faced wonder even less than you want to read about her, but we can't stop! She just keeps doing stuff! She was taken to the hospital Monday night because, according to her dad Mitch, "she mixed up her medication." We just assumed he meant Flonase and Flintstones, but no, it was something harder. And according to Mitch, not her fault. According to The Sun:
A source said after Rehab star Amy was discharged yesterday: "Mitch is furious. He’s certain someone put E in Amy’s drink — and he’s determined to get to the bottom of it. He is convinced that one of her hangers-on was responsible and he’s waiting for a toxicology report to show what caused her to fit.
Well, Mitch, we're no Flossie Bobbsey, but we're pretty sure we can deduce the dastardly villain who put Amy's life in danger by dosing her with illegal drugs. The vile cur's name? It begins with an "A" and ends with an "inehouse". A trail of vomit-encrusted black weave and a pair of dirty pink ballet slippers led us straight to the perp. That and the handwritten receipt that said, "Twelve (12) rocks crack cocaine, one (1) ounce marijuana, six (6) tablets of ecstasy (to go in my drink and mix with above). Signed, Amy Winehouse."
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July 28, 2008

Something Evil's Lurking in the Dark

amy_winehouse_ooc_1.jpgIt's times like these that lead us to question our line of work. Do we have a moral obligation to ignore these pictures of Amy Winehouse getting scabby, punchy, and crackulous? Or do we post them because we fancy ourselves a legitimate news source? Ultimately, after much soul-searching over some McGriddles, we decided to post them in hopes that it would scare our young fan base into a life of straight-edge teetotaling, thus making us heroes! The Sun reports:
Junkie singer Amy Winehouse’s dad insisted she was "fine" yesterday — hours after she punched a wall and burst into tears. Wild-eyed Amy, 24, caused her fist to bleed. The star, who had one of her nails ripped off, also lashed out at her security guards.

With her face ravaged by the skin condition impetigo, Amy wore torn and filthy ballet pumps as she flew into the rage in Camden, North London, early yesterday.

An onlooker said: "With her pale face and smeared make-up, she looked like something out of Michael Jackson's Thriller video. It was really sad to see."

But dad Mitch later insisted to The Sun: "Amy is doing fine."
Darkness falls across the land.
The midnight hour is close at hand.
Winehouse crawls in search of drugs
To terrorize your neighborhood.
And whosoever shall be found
Without the ale for chugging down
Must stand and face the scabs of hell
and rot inside a beehived shell.
The foulest stench is in the air
The funk of crack farts and faux hair
And British ghouls with tattooed boobs
Are closing in to steal your booze
And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The rotting of . . . her liverrrrrrrrr. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! MUAAHAHAHAHAH!

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July 25, 2008

Amy Weedhouse

amy_winehouse_pot_joint.jpgLess than a week ago, Amy Winehouse's beloved, justice-perverting husband was sentenced to 27 months in prison. And yesterday, Amy marked the her husband's next couple of years in the joint in the most literal way possible.









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July 23, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Funky Monk-y

sophie_monk_nipples_bikini.jpgSophie Monk's nipples try to stab their way through her bikini top. Like they were pink, squishy pirate cutlasses. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

David Duchovny was scared that wife Tea Leoni would give him a beatdown when she saw his makeout scene with Gillian Anderson in the X-Files movie. Guess we can assume she's never seen Californication. (FemaleFirst)

Nick Hogan turns 18 on Sunday. That means big boy jail! Yayyy! Sooo big! (Allie Is Wired)

• Despite the pap songs, the fishbelly complexion, and the castrato voice, being James Blunt is kind of sweet. (Cityrag)

• More details about Batman giving his batmom a batshove. (Yeeeah!)

Heather Locklear has been successfully rehabilitated. Locklear v. 2.0 ready for deployment. (The Blemish)

Amy Winehouse wants at least five children with cracky, smacky husband Blake. Though since he's just been sentenced to 27 months in jail, that might be difficult outside of conjugal visits. (CelebWarship)

• Two weeks post-birth, and Nicole Kidman's gut is flatter than yours. The world is a vampire. (Hollywire)

Gabrielle Reece shoves her volleyballs into a bikini top. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Picture it. 2008. Estelle Getty dies at her home. We'll miss you, Sophia Petrillo. (PopCrunch)

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July 09, 2008

Punch Drunk Pubes

winehouse_waitress_pucker.jpgWhat do you get when you cross Ronnie Spector, a nineteenth century English bootblack, an east L.A. chola, a half-empty bottle of peach brandy, and Flo from the 1980s sitcom Alice? Amy Winehouse, of course. Our favorite shy violet lets loose today with a cavalcade of entertainment so extensive that we're forced to use bullets to organize everything!

• The night before last, the beloved songstress hit the town sporting a new look. Fear not--the giant hair bubble and panda eyeliner was still firmly in place--the look we speak of was south of the border. Although she was wearing her trademark gold belt, her shorts slipped down to show some coin slot and a hearty swath of pubes. It's our hope that she's taking "the carpet matches the curtains" to the extreme and will get a merkinhive. Dive into Wino's drawers and check out the pics at DrunkenStepfather.

• And she's addicted to a new substance! You might have heard of it. It's called Hawaiian Tropic. The Sun reports that Amy can't get enough of the tanning bed she's had installed in her home:
Rehab singer Amy, 24, even dozes off under the ultraviolet lamps, which release the same type of harmful radiation found in sunlight.

One friend said: “Amy can’t do anything by halves. Recently she has been going for it on the sunbed, but she won’t be told. She bought it to get rid of scabs that started appearing on her skin.”
Nothing covers up scabs quite as good as melanoma! Yes, friends, when it comes to masking impetigo and cocaine pickings, Cover Girl concealer can't hold a candle to Mohs surgery!

• And finally, last night Amy and her entourage escaped the clutches of Mitch Winehouse and headed to the Dublin Castle Pub, where Amy proceeded to get well into her cups, call a random man a "wanker", and cold cock him in the face. The punchee, Wayne Lindsay, says:
"She was in front of me at the bar and suddenly turned and smacked me three times across the face. It really stung. I couldn't believe it. I hadn't said a word to her or touched her . . . She was wild. She just flipped. It was as if she had voices in her head."
Considering the height of her beehive lately, we'd say it's likely she literally had voices in her head. Voices of a family of rats that have taken residence inside her hairdo. Like Ratatouille! Only with crack instead of herbs de Provence.

Aphrodite reincarnated:

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July 03, 2008

Booze-Starved Wild Wino on the Loose!

amy_winehouse_traffic.jpgOccasionally, when nature is overpopulated and food sources are low, wild animals will find their way to urban areas and cause terror as they lope around the pavement, searching for berries or muskrats, until the authorities show up and put a dart in their necks. That's exactly what happened yesterday in London when Amy Winehouse made a break for it and carjacked a random vehicle for a ride to the pub. Because like a deer craves tulip buds, a Winehouse cannot live without ale. The Telegraph reports:
The troubled singer did a runner from her home yesterday and dived into a passing convertible containing a group of girls.

They sped off for a 20-minute drive around north London, only for Winehouse to jump out of the moving car in Camden, hurl abuse at the girls and leg it into the nearest pub.

According to eye witnesses, she was eventually dragged out by her exasperated father, Mitch, and taken home, where a burly minder was stationed by the front door - there to bar entry to unwanted visitors, but also seemingly to keep Winehouse out of harm's way.

One onlooker said: "Amy could be heard pleading to be allowed out for some fresh air, only to be told to stick her head out of the back window. Anyone who rang her doorbell had to be given approval by the man on the door. He left after a few hours, only for another big guy to take his place."
Try to imagine the terror you'd feel if you and your buddies were tooling down the street in the late afternoon, laughing, relaxing, maybe humming along to a little T-Pain on the radio. And then, from off to the side, you see an enormous barrel of synthetic black hair and facial scabs screaming towards you, waving its hands and shouting, "Me dad's got me locked up, cor blimey! Fancy takin' me to the fookin' pub for pint, innit?" and spewing crack breath mixed with gingivitis on your custom leather. It would be more horrifying than getting carjacked by a group of disaffected youths with semiautomatics.

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And for more on Amy Winehouse's latest antics and why we love her so much, please welcome our special CelebNewsWire correspondent, A Tipsy Lady on the Chicago Bus:


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June 24, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Plaid Party Till You Puke

nicole_richie_flannel_barf.jpgMary-Kate Olsen, Nicole Richie and friends enjoy debaucherous party involving tons and tons of . . . plaid flannel? (The Blemish)

Britney Spears sex tape caps? We dunno, dudes. No Bagel Bite residue on anything, so . . . (Yeeeah!)

• Mario Lopez kissed Fergie and lived to tell the tale. (Hollywire)

Heather Locklear just checked herself before she wrecked herself. Naw, she checked herself into a clinic to deal with depression and other psychological issues. (Faded Youth)

Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and bustin' loose! Lock up your crack pipes and your Final Net! (CelebWarship)

Hugh Hefner banged a lot of dames. And his sister-in-law. And a dude. (Celebridiot)

• In case you were wondering, Jennifer Lopez is still a joyless harridan asshole. (D-listed)

Pam Anderson bares her teeth, growls, and emits a fountain of champagne from her tit. (Cityrag)

Anne Hathway's now-ex boyfriend just got popped for posing as the Vatican's financial officer. Ahahaha, whatta cutup! (Daily Stab)

Katherine Heigl ditches the Huggabunch bikini in favor of the Rainbow Brite one. And pairs her UV rays with a few long hard drags off a cigarette. Cancerlicious! (Drunken Stepfather)

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June 23, 2008

Amy Winehouse is Doing Great II

amy_winehouse_emphysema.jpgCoy enchantress Amy Winehouse is still in the hospital, and despite earlier reports that she was suffering from tuberculosis, she now has a different diagnosis. But don't worry; it's still something associated with the old and infirm: emphysema! According to The Daily Mail, Amy's dad Mitch Winehouse said:
"She's covered in nicotine patches. The only thing that can go into her lungs are fresh air . . . She faces a stark choice - either she sticks to it or she won't sing again. The doctors have said that if she had continued the way she was going she could have ended up an invalid - she wouldn't have been able to breathe. With smoking the crack cocaine and the cigarettes her lungs are all gunked up. There are nodules around the chest and dark marks. She's got 70 percent lung capacity."
Hey, that doesn't sound so bad. 70 percent, man, that's a solid C minus.
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June 20, 2008

Amy Winehouse is Doing Great

winehouse_orange_handjpg.jpgHaunting beauty Amy Winehouse is still in the hospital today after fainting at her home earlier this week. Break out the iron lung, and pretend it's WWII, because Wino might have the TB. Reports The Sun:
Stricken Amy Winehouse is coughing up BLOOD and has a raging chest infection, it emerged last night. Doctors are also worried by skeletal Amy’s weight loss and lack of appetite, other symptoms of tuberculosis. The 24-year-old Back to Black star has an irregular heartbeat and has been on a drip while medics try to wean her off hard drugs. Last night a close pal told The Sun: "Amy is in a bad way. Doctors are still struggling to control her heartbeat but the chest condition has been really worrying them. She’d been been suffering horrible coughing fits and hurling up blood for a while but refused to be examined. Doctors now believe it is tuberculosis and are doing more tests to be certain."
What in the name of Christ is wrong with England? They have a team of the finest physicians in the country observing a woman for three days, she's most likely sitting up in bed and taking huge hits off a crack pipe before snorting coke cut with Owens-Corning insulation and they're like, "Tut tut, old girl. Don't have the foggiest what's ailing you." Lots of Americans make disparaging comments about socialized medicine, and now we're thinking that maybe they're onto something here.
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June 17, 2008

Amy Winehouse Is a Delicate Blossom

amy_winehouse_huge_hair.jpgYesterday, Amy Winehouse fainted at her home and was promptly taken to the hospital, where she remains today for observation. We can only imagine that means that she's being held in a glass cage while children eat cotton candy and point and say, "Wot's it doing now? Why is that skinny gorilla scratching itself like that, Mummy?" The BBC reports:
Amy Winehouse remains in hospital in London after fainting at home on Monday afternoon, with tests on the singer so far proving “inconclusive”.

“She seems to be fine in herself, but they are taking their time to be sure,” her spokesman said.

Winehouse had been “doing admin” when she fell ill but “quickly recovered”.

Her manager’s assistant had stopped her falling and Ms Winehouse’s father, Mitch, had taken her to hospital “as a precaution”, the spokesman added. After receiving treatment, she stayed at the London Clinic for observation.
It's great that she can smoke 18 crack rocks and down a bottle of Valium with a quart of Sambuca and then shoot drain opener into her veins and people will let her sleep it off and then film it, but she faints once and it's off to the ICU. We're not doctors or anything, but we're willing to bet that the mass of her beehive finally outweighed that of her body and she just wasn't able to remain upright.
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June 09, 2008

YAY! Finally! New Amy Winehouse Song!

amy_blake_love_crack.jpgAmy Winehouse's charming husband, her Blake Incarcerated, pleaded guilty to beating up a barkeep and then bribing a witness. Another thing he's guilty of: being a total jive turkey. News of the World was contacted by a former friend of Winehouse and husband Blake Fielder-Civil and given a stack of photos and a video. A stirring sequel to its moving predecessor, Amy Winehouse Smokes Crack, the newly-released tape features our favorite lesion-mugged songbird debuting her new single, "Blacks, Pakis, Gooks and Nips":

A word to the wise, Amy: when someone says, "I'm not filming this! I swear on your life! I'm not filming!" while aiming a video camera at your face, uhhhh, they're probably filming. Furthermore, we never thought anyone could pull off an update or remake of the musical classic "Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees, Look at These", but once again, Amy makes it work--eye-pulling and boob-indicating intact. Grammys all around!


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May 08, 2008

The English Bobbies Have Cracked the Case!

amy_winehouse_woods.jpgPicture of class and grace Amy Winehouse was arrested again yesterday and brought in for questioning over her crack-smoking video of yore. According to our gossip interventionist, FemaleFirst:
Amy Winehouse's spokesperson said: "Amy voluntarily attended a London police station today by appointment. She was arrested in order to be interviewed and is cooperating fully with inquiries. The interview relates to a video handed to police earlier this year."

Amy then went shopping at 4am this morning (08.05.08), just hours after being arrested on drugs charges.

The singer chatted to photographers as she left her North London home, asking for suggestions for a new tattoo.Wearing a bandana with her husband's name written on it, she headed for a nearby petrol station to pick up drinks and magazines and seemed unconcerned about events from earlier in the day.
She was then spotted by several understandably shaken sources, lurching through parks, attempting to groom lice off of neighboring bystanders, and overturning rocks looking for tasty grubs. When asked for a comment, Amy emitted a high-pitched shriek and hucked her feces at her questioner.

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May 07, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Megan Fox Gets Plump

megan_fox_lips_plumped.jpgMegan Fox takes "next Angelina Jolie" title literally, gets lipplants. (ONTD)

Elisha Cuthbert stalks the sandy landscape in a bikini; cuddles muscular male; gets handsy with own buttocks. (Drunken Stepfather)

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's wedding photos will be in People. And they talk about being "soul mates". Even though they've known each other for six weeks. (Celebitchy)

• What mysterious pull do these Maddens have? Lindsay Lohan was busted trying to pick up Joel (that's Nicole Richie's Madden, not Paris Hilton's Madden) at a club the other night. There's not enough Maddens to go around. (Yeeeah!)

Angelina Jolie is reportedly going to have twin girls. They'll have their mother's looks and their father's . . . looks. They can't go wrong! (I Don't Like You In That Way)

Amy Winehouse is slowly devolving from soulful songstress to drunken party girl to crackhead to missing link to ape. Photographic evidence exists. (Holy Taco)

Uma Thurman's name begins with a "u". So does the word "upskirt". Aaaand that's the closest we cam come to a joke here. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• In other Lohan news, she's still stealing clothing from her friends. Because when girls' daddies don't love them, the fill up their hearts with pilfered fur. (The Blemish)

Blake Lively may play a high schooler on Gossip Girl, but that rack is alllll freshman year at a state U, baby. (Fatback)

Jessica Simpson must, she must, she must increase her bust. (Cityrag)

• Post-birth, Halle has some Berry nice cleavage. We knew our childhood obsession with Strawberry Shortcake speak would come in handy some day! (Flisted)

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April 29, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: She's Still Got (T)it!

elizabeth_hurley_cleavage_wow.jpgElizabeth Hurley's colossal cleavage never seems to age. Baffling! (The Blemish)

Amy Winehouse and her imprisoned husband: they're either going to be "together forever", or she's cheating on him and will be forced to give him three million dollars. Either way, she's screwed. (Female First)

Tom Cruise was once Cher's bagel boy. And by that, we mean he spread his cream on her hole. Wait, no. The other way around. (Hollywood Grind)

• 'Scuse me while I kiss this dong. Move over, Marilyn, it's the Jimi Hendrix sex tape! Does he play a right-handed vagina left-handed? Watch and find out.(I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Disney says that we won't be seeing much of Miley Cyrus in the wake of her "nude" photo "controversy". Unless she's in a full body condom with a scarlet letter on it. (The Hollywood Gossip)

• Hulk Hogan uses suntan oil . . . to lube up daughter Brooke Hogan's crotch? Miley, what have you wrought with your suggestive posing and infectious pop grooves? The whole world's gone crazy! (Drunken Stepfather)

Leah Remini's daughter is an asshole. (Derek Hail)

• When John Travolta notices that his new facial hair configuration looks like two porn star landing strips, he will squeal, "Ew, get it off, get it offffff!" (Yeeeah!)

Keeley Hazell. Dancing. In her undies. (Holy Taco)

• Former Full House fox Lori Loughlin joins the cast of the new improved 90210. It's like 1990 all over again. (Hollywire)
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April 25, 2008

Amy Winehouse Assaults People, Lamppost

amy_winehouse_lamppost.jpg The beautiful and talented and oh, did we mention beautiful? Miss Amy Winehouse personified English grace, charm and modesty on Wednesday night with a quiet evening out with friends in London. According to The Sun:
[Amy Winehouse], is to be quizzed by police after claims she headbutted a Good Samaritan who hailed her a cab outside a bar. Amy, said to have punched a second victim in the face, sank to a horrific new low while high on Class A drugs. Onlookers told how the married singer also snogged a mystery fella at a nightspot and shocked punters by overturning tables and drinks. She was later seen smoking drugs in the street, walked into a lamppost, and riled a cabbie by paying only HALF her promised fare home.
Today, she apparently cried all the way to the police station after her people picked her up and drove her to her questioning. Honestly, she has nothing to worry about. It's England--the country that would only put Pete Doherty in jail after his 43rd drug arrest. At most, the bobbies will say, "Tut tut, then, missus!" and give her a cookie. Or a "biscuit", as it were. If she gets sent to trial, she and the judge can have a wig-off.

UPDATE: Forget questioning, they straight-up arrested her! Maybe that headbutt was more serious than we thought. After all, her hair probably weighs more than a cannonball and is twice as hard.
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April 24, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: A Whole Bundch of Side Boob

Gisele_Bundchen_side_boob.jpg• Gisele gifts us with the side of her supermodel superbooble. (Drunken Stepfather)

• All hail the Poshycat Doll. (Daily Stab)

• Kids, heed the sad tale of Naomi Campbell's hairline: weave abuse leads to baldness. (Yeeeah!)

Rihanna has a crotch that emits mystical hot pink beams! (Cityrag)

• More Mischa Barton titty buttons from Closing the Ring. Now with video! (Egotastic!)

Julia Roberts stinks. (FemaleFirst)

Julianne Moore shows Moore of herself. Namely, nipples. (Fatback)

Billie Piper flashed a peck of freckled poppers. (Hollywood Tuna)

Amy Winehouse spends a night being dainty and demure. (CelebWarship)

Miley Cyrus in a typical MySpace picture pose. I.e., with exposed underwear. (Pop Crunch)

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April 21, 2008

Wino Boobs=Smack

amy winehouse angry ice cream.jpg Just about a month ago we were given the gift of Amy Winehouse's tape-covered 'hab-bags, and at the time we mentioned the curious fact that "Amy Winehouse nude" had been one of CelebNewsWire's top ten search phrases for a couple of months. Well, we're sorry to report that your interest in Wino's wobblies has diminished since that need was partially placated, with "Amy Winehouse nude" now pulling in to the #16 station. But fret not, our crack-fiend-loving brethren, because Amy's jailed junky hubby may just pique your interest anew--by trading a topless snap for a fix. Reports England's People (which seems a lot more interesting and salacious than its Stateside namesake):
Amy Winehouse will be left seething when she sees her banged-up hubby has traded intimate photos of her to feed his heroin habit in jail.

Desperate Blake Fielder-Civil gave a fellow lag seven snaps including one of the singer with her boobs spilling out of a bra.

He exchanged them for tobacco - which he then swapped with another inmate for the drug.

Superstar Amy, 24, knew the 25-year-old loser had been selling signed publicity shots of her while he's on remand in London's Pentonville jail.

But she'll be outraged when she finds out the rat has betrayed her by flogging personal pictures.

A friend said last night: "She'll be livid - the photos are her memories and for Blake to sell them is a real let-down. Amy won't believe he can stoop this low."

A prison source said: "Blake is in a bad way and is always desperate for any drugs he can get his hands on. Some of the photos of Amy are a bit racy but he obviously puts his habit before his wife."

The seven snaps include three of the loved-up couple canoodling on a hotel balcony on their wedding day in Miami almost a year ago.

Others show Amy posing in a bra - and sticking out her tongue as she frolics in a pool in a bikini.

But the most upsetting image for the Back To Black star is the boobbaring shot of her in lacy undies.
We are Yanks, so there are many things about England that we don't understand, but their legal system has to be at the top of the list. Pete Doherty had to get caught with drugs like 42 times before he went to jail, yet Blake has been locked up on suspicion of perverting justice for three years now, we think. Was he ever convicted of anything? Was there ever a trial? We don't think so, but we haven't really been trailing Amy and Blakey too closely lately, mostly because of the smell. But we are happy to learn that England's jail system seems to work pretty much the same as ours in the U.S.: Amy Winehouse topless photos are less valuable than tobacco, which is less valuable than heroin. Sounds about right.
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April 15, 2008

Booze, Baby, Booze

amy_winehouse_booze_baby_1.jpgForget rehab. Forget sober companions. Forget therapy, psych wards, and changing one's blood a la Keith Richards in the 1970s. Amy Winehouse is starting her own trend in the quest to kick her drug and alcohol habit--employing a sober baby to accompany her everywhere. Good thing too, because she was recently overheard wailing at a party that her impetigo was getting worse, according to The Blemish:
“I’ve been told I’ll lose my looks over this—but I can’t give it up! I’m told my scars might never heal. My dermatologist says it’s a result of the drugs and it could spread to other parts of my body if I don’t quit. What will I do if I lose my looks? Blake will never love me like that.”
Oh, and she said this while horfing rail after rail of cocaine from a toilet lid. If only she had employed her sober baby earlier. Direct your gaze to the picture at left, and you will see this irresistably huggable little moppet doing his job well, successfully pinching Wino's nostrils so as to make it physically impossible for her to do her drug of choice. However, five minutes later...

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That baby is so fired.
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March 26, 2008

Amy Winehouse's Cape Town Clean Up

winehouse_impetigo.jpgIf watching the New Year's Day marathon of Intervention on A&E has taught us anything about drug addicts, it's this: gay guys really love meth. Especially when they were raised Mormon. But aside from that, it's taught us that sometimes it takes more than one or two or three stabs at rehab before it sticks. Here's hoping that's the case with be-beehived, lesion-faced chanteuse Amy Winehouse, who is apparently headed back to recovery. According to CelebWarship, a source close to Winehouse says:
“Amy has admitted she needs to check into rehab again. There are too many temptations for her in the UK, people around her in London are making it impossible for her to stay clean for any length of time. Her management had considered flying her to a clinic in Israel but are now looking further afield. They are assessing a clinic in Cape Town in South Africa.”

As for the scabs covering her body, Amy’s rep claimed she suffered from a bacterial infection called impetigo, however, that might not be the full truth.

Doctor Carol Cooper said: “The damage is quite severe, but not unusual with crack cocaine abuse. She’s got a number of sores, some of which look infected, and others that have formed ulcers.”
Hey, man, it took Lohan three tries. It took Robert Downey Jr. about forty. It's just funny that Amy's people think that Israel's not far away enough. Perhaps they should look into a research facility at the bottom of the Coral Sea. Or one on Melmac. Or how about at the Los Angeles Celebrity Scientology Center? We hear that nice Tom Cruise has personally helped people off drugs. Because he knows. He knows.
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March 24, 2008

Pee Pee on Wino's Face

amy winehouse loves layers.jpg Move over venti double mocha pumpkin latteeccinos and birthing twins. There's a new trend in town, and it's called putting pee on your face. Catch the wave! Or the trickle, rather. If Amy Winehouse is slathering her gorgeous mug with piss, surely Oil of Olay will introduce a revolutionary new line called Urine Luck by the end of the month. The Daily Mail reports (via Yeeeah!):
A friend [of Amy’s] said “Amy’s tried all sorts of lotions and potions but none works. She is desperately unhappy with her appearance and she is happy to try anything that may clear up her condition. She is praying [putting] urine [on her face] will work.”
We weren't about to take Vanessa Williams's advice on this subject. After all, she's just a facially gifted forty-five-year-old former beauty queen; what does she know about looking one's best? Amy Winehouse, though, that girl knows from skin care. She's obviously tried everything and must know what's worth a crack (har har) and what's not, right?
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March 20, 2008

Amy Winehouse: Nude and Impetigo Free!

amy_winehouse_nude.jpg We at CelebNewsWire claim to be pretty in tune with what our readers desire in their celebrity ogling, but sometimes you just stump us. We never would have guessed that one of our top ten search terms for months in a row would be Amy Winehouse nude. Who knew that's what you wanted to see? Amy Winehouse sucking on a crack pipe? Yes. Amy Winehouse covered in scabs? Yes. But Amy Winehouse nude? We're amazed. Thankfully Ms. Wino herself has served up one of your biggest desires in the name of charity. Sure, all her junk is safely hidden away, but we're not sure you could've handled what you would find there anyway. She's probably hiding a shiv and a couple of loaded syringes in there in hopes that she'll soon get a conjugal visit with Blake. Anywho, WENN reports on the snap:
Troubled Amy Winehouse has posed for a nude photo shoot to raise breast cancer awareness among young women. The singer appears naked in the April issue of British magazine Easy Living after she stripped off for photographer Carolyn Djangoly. In the black and white snapshot, Winehouse is captured playing a guitar, which covers her genitals, while two pieces of duct tape cover her nipples. The 24-year-old isn't the only celebrity posing naked for the campaign - singer Sade and actress Helena Bonham Carter also removed their clothing for the picture project.
Well, hot damn. That Easy Living magazine is doing a much better job of reading the public's minds than we are, because if you would have asked us yesterday who we would most want to see naked, Amy Winehouse, Sade, and Helena Bonham Carter would have been the first three names to pass our lips. With Sade first, of course. Pining for Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and Scarlett Johansson is just so passé.
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March 18, 2008

CNW: "I Said Impeti-Go, Go"

winehouse_scabs.jpg• Hey, Amy. Maybe you should extend that liner to cover your entire face. (Flisted)

Eva Mendes gets a job shilling Calvin Klein drawers! Just like Marky Mark, only with more substance abuse and less wiggerliness. Same size boobs, though. (Yeeeah!)

• Clip of Brit's appearance on How I Met Your Mother. Talking about shopping with Doogie Howser? Ooooh, that's fabulous, girlfriend! (The Superficial)

Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton fighting again. Fighting over Maddens. That's kind of like arguing about which Nelson brother is cooler (the answer is Gunner, obviously). (Celebitchy)

Eva Longoria's wedding tattoo disappeared. Maybe she used WRECKING BALM! (Daily Stab)

• Eliot Spitzer enjoyed Charlie Sheen's sloppy seconds. Surprisingly, we're not talking about Denise Richards. (Bitten and Bound)

Jennifer Aniston is a dutiful flosser; probably has no plaque buildup in her ass crack. (The Blemish)

Punky Brewster has another daughter and names her JAGGER. We can't wait to have babies named Staley and Weiland and Stapp. (CelebWarship)

Pamela Anderson's famished vagina snacks on spangled panties. (Drunken Stepfather)

Nicole Kidman's bodyguard goes ape crazy on a paparazzo. (Holy Taco)

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March 07, 2008

Amy Winehouse Snorts Vodka. That's Right. Amy Winehouse Snorts Vodka.

amy_winehouse_naked.jpgYears ago, we were fortunate enough to see the Motley Crue Behind the Music, also known as The Greatest Thing to Air on Television Ever. And we heard the tale of Ozzy Osbourne snorting a line of ants. We thought that we would never again be witness to something so grotesque, but then Tommy Lee started talking about how he and Nikki Sixx would intravenously inject Jack Daniels. And for lo, these many years, nothing has topped that in terms of "desperate and objectionable". But that was before Amy Winehouse was released from rehab onto an unsuspecting public. According to The Mirror Amy was hanging out at Bunglaow 8 in London and:
"She was sat next to Kelly and Miquita when she covered one nostril, tilted her head back and sucked the vodka shot down her open nostril through a straw. She threw back her head and reeled in shock and everyone around her looked stunned. She necked the top of the shot and lit the rest with a lighter. Then she grabbed a straw and sucked what was left up her nose."
At first, we thought this was an urban legend along the lines of Stevie Nicks's assistant blowing cocaine up her butthole with a straw, but apparently there were witnesses, who then saw Amy get up and shake a tail feather:
The five-times Grammy winner [begged] a pal to teach her the dangerous “duttywine” dance, which can cause serious neck injury and pain. A spy said: “Amy was on top form and begged a pal to teach her the dance where you spin your head around really fast while you wind into the ground. Amy was so into it at one point her beehive nearly fell off.”
Damn these kids and their dangerous rock and roll dancing. First Peggy Sue twists her ankle doing the Huckabuck, then little Travis sprains his pelvis doing the Humpty Dance. Now Amy loses her weavehive during the Duttywine. When will the madness end?
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March 03, 2008

Amy Winehouse Has