filed under: Alex Rodriguez

We've never thought that Kate Hudson was too smart. She sort of reminds us of this girl we knew in high school who thought that Massachusetts was a city in the state of Boston. So we're not too surprised that she doesn't have enough brains to think, "Gee, maybe I shouldn't paw all over Madonna's boyfriend." Because messing with the Madge will get you beat. And to take out Kate, Madonna wouldn't even need her burly bodyguards. The former Mrs. Ritchie would probably just wrap her hulking forearm around Kate's delicate little neck and Kate would be squealing like a thirteen-year-old at a Jonas Brothers' concert. Metro.co.uk reports:

Batten down the hatches – bitch fight on the way.

It looks like Madonna has younger, blonder competition for her New York Yankee pal Alex Rodriguez.

Yes, man eater Kate Hudson – who changes boyfriends as fast as her fashion frocks – was allegedly spotted warming up to A-Rod at a glamour bash in Miami over the weekend.

The pair reportedly got to know each other rather well at the star studded opening of the new Fontainebleau Hotel.

The married sport star reportedly entertained the You, Me and Dupree actress, 29, at a private table as they watched Mariah Carey's sing-song together on the South Beach.

Helpful spies claim: 'Hudson had her arms completely wrapped around A-Rod's waist and every time he leaned over to talk to anyone she would pull him back toward her.

'They were laughing and giggling all night.'

Little wonder Aunty Madge, 50, sent along best buddy Gwyneth Paltrow to keep a watchful eye on her good friend.

Paltrow, 36, reportedly enjoyed an Italian lunch with the A-Rod, 33, at Scarpetta during the day but must have gone off duty once the show started.

Maybe Kate's hoping that A-Rod will use that poet's heart of his to create an ode to her beauty:

Kate
You are so great
I want to take you on a date
And then my penis and your vagina can mate
Cause that is more fun than masturbating
Oh shit, that doesn't rhyme
Aw, fuck it
Love, A-Rod more »

Madonna works out for 4 hours a day and rules her offspring with an iron bicep the other hours of the day, so it's amazing to us to find out that she actually finds time to be mushy with her rumored latest beau, ball-handling butt-slapper A-Rod. Who is not just good at swinging a bat; he's also an undercover Pablo Neruda. Reports the NY Post:

MADONNA and Alex Rodriguez are turning to mush over each other. Sources close to Madge tell the Chicago Sun-Times she's so smitten with her rumored Yankee lover, she informed a close pal he "has the heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body." Rodriguez, meanwhile, has been writing "sweet, personal and rambling expressions of his feelings," the paper reports. "Sort of like old-fashioned love notes."

We're trying to imagine what a poem from the soul of A-Rod would sound like.

Madonna Madonna
I wanna
Get on ya
Your delts remind me of
Some sort of really hard object
That is real strong
Like concrete or a baseball bat
Only not long and hard cuz that's gay
Can I borrow your creatine sometime
Also you have blonde hair
more »

Lately we've noticed a pattern with Madonna. We won't hear much out of her for a few months, she'll be busy palling it up with JT in the studio or touring or otherwise completing tasks that might be considered work. And then for about two weeks there will be about ten stories a day about her. Divorce, no divorce, affair with A-Rod, Kabbalah cheerleader, feud with brother, sham feud with brother, kissing random girls onstage because she's edgy and dangerous, something about Sandra Bernhard or Jose Conseco. It's just too much. We can't keep up. We kind of even miss proper British lady Madonna, who would show up in magazine spreads all decked out in tweed showing off her horses and her castle and talking about her inspirational children's books. Instead it's sex, sex, sex, and who wants to hear about that? At this point, imagining Madonna having sex is sort of like watching your five-foot-two-and-built gym teacher demonstrate putting a condom on a banana. Not exactly erotic. So it's probably good news that Madonna and Guy Ritchie haven't seen each other's pee-pees in over a year. Reports our own condom-application demonstrator, FemaleFirst:

Madonna and Guy Ritchie didn't have sex for 18 months as their marriage crumbled.

The couple - who announced last week they were separating, ending months of rumours - reportedly didn't get close beneath the sheets because the 'Hung Up' singer was too tired for love due to her gruelling daily 4-hour workouts.

A friend close to the pair said: "Guy got more and more frustrated as she spent nearly half the day exercising. When she did eventually get home she'd be too tired to make love.

"When the cracks first started to show, Guy would plead with her to spend more time with him but she wouldn't. She'd insist she did her four-hour workout. They've been apart so much in the last two years that their opportunities to make love would have been fairly limited. They've also been in separate rooms a lot after big rows so there wasn't any chance to make up."

It has also been claimed that Guy, 40, found 50-year-old Madonna's super-toned body a turn-off, and yearned for the soft, womanly curves she had when they first fell in love after meeting in 1999.

The 'RocknRolla' director is reported to have confided in a friend he was finding his superstar star spouse less attractive the more fitness obsessed she became.

The pal told Britain's News of the World newspaper: "After a few drinks one evening, Guy said it was like cuddling up to a piece of gristle. All the soft feminine tones had been replaced by the build of an athlete."

Guy might like a nice marble of fat, but it seems that Alex Rodriguez likes the challenge of stringy, chewy meat. Apparently A-Rod and Madge are still hitting it, and she wants him to put a fetus in her half-century-old uterus. According to the Daily Mail:

Madonna, 50, is hoping she can have a natural child with Rodriguez, despite her age.

The singer is planning her future with the American baseball player, it emerged last night.

There is no suggestion that Madonna has to date had a physical relationship with Rodriguez.

However, a friend said: 'She thinks he's physically a great specimen. And if she is going to have another child, he would be the ideal man to bring one to her.'

Yeah, we don't believe this story AT ALL. What's more likely is that Madonna will see A-Rod's kids, stick her special "I claim this child in the name of Madonna" flag in them, and make them start calling her Mommy. Pregnancy is just too time consuming. more »

Yes! Jessica Simpson and Madonna sex tape. No, not together, dummies, so kindly tame your vomity visions of Madonna rogering Jessica with a Kabbalah water bottle. According to our personal gossip pope, Female First, a tape featuring Alex Rodriguez slipping Madonna the ole A-Rod on a couch exists and is being shopped around despite being wildly illegal:

Madonna is reportedly at the centre of a sex tape scandal. A cameraman claims to have a video of Madonna and baseball player Alex Rodriguez romping on a sofa. He is trying to sell the tape - allegedly shot with a hidden camera in an apartment owned by a friend of the cameraman which was used by the couple for secret liaisons - for £1 million.

The unnamed owner of the tape claims he visited the property and hid a camera, pointed at the sofa which captured the X-rated footage two months ago.

A legal source told Britain's Daily Star newspaper that the implications of the secret filming could be dire for the cameraman, saying: "If footage was obtained in this way it would be an outrageous invasion of privacy. But more than that he would not have had his friend's consent to install the camera and must have entered the apartment without approval to hide it.

"He would be guilty of voyeurism. Instead of making a million he'd be going to jail for a few years."

In similar big-breasted-blondes-with-knuckleheads news, there may also exist a tape featuring Jessica Simpson having God-sanctioned matrimonial sexual intercourse with ex-husband Nick Lachey. Says Showbiz Spy:

Rumours have emerged that a sex tape starring Jessica Simpson will appear online. According to the Daily Sport, the home movie, which features popstar and actress Simpson engaging in a number of sex acts with her ex-husband Nick Lachey, has been acquired by the same people who released Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee's holiday sex video.

A source said: "Jessica is horrified her name and 'sex tape' are being mentioned in the same sentence. She's always been a girl of high morals and principles."

The tape will reportedly be distributed online unless Simpson pays an undisclosed fee to keep it out of the public domain.

Listen, Madonna and Jessica. That's all fine and good that you're copulating on camera, but in the last couple of years, the celebrity sex tape bar has been raised quite a bit. We've had golden showers, night vision, wieners on dames, and midgets. If you want to make it in this cutthroat, dog-eat-dog world, you're going to have to step it up. And actually cut throats or eat dogs. Soon to be a Belladonna release, coming to a video store near you. more »

Madonna is still insisting that the Ciccone-Ritchies are one big happy family, but supposed schtup mate A-Rod's wife filing for divorce and citing second-hand Madge vadge cooties as the primary reason makes Madonna's story sound a little fishy. We try not to care too much about who's porking who, mostly because famous people go through hump partners like we go through underwear (so about once a week, we're estimating), and it's just too hard to keep up, especially when one of the people involved is a sports star. Give us a good Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie marriage-ending affair, and we're interested. But Madonna f'ing some guy who plays with balls for a living? She might as well be doing a regional accountant for Costco. They have about the same level of fame to us. One thing this affair has done though is distract us from the real story (that Madge, she's wily): Madonna's estranged brother's upcoming tell-all. The Sun reports on the book's first leaked story:

A biography by the Queen of Pop’s brother claims to lift the lid on Madge’s sexual conquests, love affairs, drug-taking and rows with husband GUY RITCHIE.

And it will tell how Madonna, now 49, flirted with Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow at a glamorous New Year party thrown by leading fashion designer DONATELLA VERSACE.

The Like A Virgin singer was dancing on a table at 4am when she dragged Gwyneth up to join her.

Younger brother Christopher Ciconne will tell how he watched as the pair started dancing together.

Then — as party-goers watched in amazement — Madonna grabbed Gwynnie, pulled her to her and kissed the stunned Hollywood star full on the mouth.

Oh my God, we are so shocked. Madonna has never done anything this shocking. (Yawn.) We can't believe she kisses girls. Our world is shattered, life has ended, etc, etc, etc. What's next, brother Christopher? Are you going to tell us that Madonna dyes her hair? more »

There are few things in this world that continually surprise us. Madonna is one of them. We're not talking about her frequent personality flopping, but the fact that after twenty-five or however many years people are still paying attention to her. When we were eight and wearing fingerless lace gloves and singing "Borderline" into our giant bottle of Aqua Net we definitely weren't thinking, "This broad is still going to be one of the most talked about stars in 2008." Not because we didn't think it was possible, but because we were too busy thinking "Ricky Schroder is dreamy" or "I could really use a candy cigarette." But today Madonna retains her relevance by probably getting divorced, possibly porking a Yankee, and getting compared to raw chicken (? or something, we're not really sure) by Sandra Bernhard. First up, the schtupping, via The New York Daily News:

Alex Rodriguez has made "numerous" late-night visits to Madonna's Central Park West apartment, according to a published report.

Rodriguez, 32, has been seen arriving alone, according to US Weekly, and sneaks out of Madge's building "as late as midnight," a source told the magazine, adding, "all the doormen are talking."

OK! magazine also noticed the budding friendship between the Material Girl and A-Rod. "They met briefly at a charity event and that's it," the singer's publicist told the magazine.

Madonna has been shacked up in her posh Manhattan apartment - without her husband - for more than a week. Ritchie arrived in New York Monday night in a reported attempt to salvage their marriage.

We know about as much about the New York Yankees as we know about Guy Ritchie movies, so this is pretty much a draw for us, although we do look forward to Madge returning to her hyper-accentuated New York personality of the early '80s. That accent really was the best fit for her.

And now on to Sandy. She said some things about Madonna. Things that were mean. We think. Page Six reports:

While Ritchie was jetting here from London - perhaps to try to save his foundering marriage to the Material Mom - Bernhard just ripped her in Toronto, going off on a rant when one fan shouted, "Are you still friends with Madonna?"

"She . . . descended into this mad, dark, five-minute freestyle, where she mercilessly mocked the Queen of Pop by repeatedly chanting, 'We Only Got Four Minutes to Save the World,' [and] at one point screamed, 'My chicken is raw!' " reports Toronto columnist Shinan Govani. "After all that, she paused pregnantly and asked, deadpan: 'Does that answer your question?' "

No. No, it doesn't. Is Sandra saying that her chicken is raw because of Madonna? And is chicken code name for her tuna taco? And if so does that mean that Madonna is so sexually potent that all these years later Bernhard's beaver still hasn't recovered from its encounter with the Material Girl? Because if so we've finally got our answer to how Madonna continues to be relevant. more »