CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.

filed under: ailing celebs

November 25, 2008

Amy Winehouse Does Amy Winehouse-Like Stuff

amy110.jpgShe's bankrupted several small to medium sized South American countries due to her insatiable hunger for opiates, yet Amy Winehouse keeps going. She's like the Energizer Bunny of crack. Except instead of being covered in cute pink fuzz, she's covered in weeping chancres, and instead of carrying a large drum, she carries a glass pipe that she clanks against a frosty mug of beer, baring her terrifying chops to scream, "Barkeep! Bring me anovver, luv! And this toime, put some ketamine in it!" OK, similes over, the lady went to the hospital on Sunday. Go tell it on the mountain, Yeeeah!:
A source close to the troubled singer said: “[She and Blake] had a screaming row. She was beside herself after the call – and she just totally lost it. [The bender afterward] didn’t stop until she was [seizing] on the floor on Sunday.”

Amy’s spokesman confirmed she was taken to hospital on Sunday but claimed she had “a bad reaction to the combination of medication she has currently been prescribed.”
Oh! Legal medicine prescribed by a physician! Well OK then.
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November 20, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Rip Off Them Spanx

eva_longoria_spanx.jpgEva Longoria upskirts; shows off some sizzling shapewear from the Sears "Silver Fox" foundation garment collection. (Yeeeah!)

• A plane carrying Winona Ryder was forced to make an emergency landing, presumably because she was all zorked out on goofballs. (Yeeeah!)

• Homoeroticism on the Twilight set. Rawr! (Hollywire)

• Despite her unending, ultra-desirable heat, Megan Fox is still planning to marry David Silver. (Daily Stab)

Anne Hathaway has a new boyfriend, and he's apparently as big a loser moocher as the one that's in jail. (Anything Hollywood)

• Aw. Someone for everyone. (Holy Taco)

• Supermodel Karolina Kurkova has no navel. Like Kyle XY. (Flisted)

• Girl meets girl. Girl gets girl. Girl flirts with boy at club. Girl on girl catfight ensues. It's another day in the tangled, demi-gay web of Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. (The Blemish)

• The top ten naked babes with guns. (Mr Skin)

• Spitzer prostitute Ashley Dupre is just like you and me, except for the money for sex part. (Fatback)

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November 10, 2008

Jayden James Fall Down Go Boom?

britney_spears_jayden_james.jpgWe're pretty tacky, but even we can't make fun of a two-year-old having a seizure. We can't, but by God we're gonna die trying! Reports say that Britney Spears's youngest chitlin, Jayden James Federspears, suffered a nasty fit and was rushed to the emergency room in Lousiana. The Sun reports, in their very British way:
BRITNEY SPEARS rushed her two-year-old son to hospital after he suffered a suspected seizure yesterday. According to reports in the US, JAYDEN JAMES was taken to an emergency ward after lapsing into a “vague and unresponsive” state during a long-awaited family trip to the singer’s hometown of Kentwood in Louisiana.

The entire Spears clan made the 25-mile dash to Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Centre, Mississippi, including sister JAMIE LYNN. Doctors were unable to pinpoint the problem straight away and kept the toddler in for overnight observation. Distraught Britney, 26, refused to leave his side and asked for a bed next to him in the ward.

Sources say chaos erupted when the toddler suffered a suspected seizure out of the blue, at about 3pm on Sunday. One said: “One minute Britney and her sons were relaxing and enjoying their first visit to Kentwood in months, and the next minute Jayden had fallen ill. He was vague and unresponsive so Britney dialled an ambulance. But she was told it would take half an hour to arrive, and she was best trying to get Jayden to the hospital herself.”
"Vague and unresponsive" doesn't sound so bad, especially when you take into account the fact that the kid has Federline blood running through his veins. In the Federworld, "vague and unresponsive" is "bright eyed and bushy-tailed", one step up from "wake and baked" and halfway to "trippin balls".

UPDATE: Dude just ate something gnarly. A statement on Brit-Brit's website says:
Jayden James Federline was admitted to the Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Center on Sunday, November 9th. Doctors concluded he had a reaction to something he ingested. He is expected to be discharged tomorrow.”
So what did he eat? A candy dish full of cigarette butts? A 17-month-old Funyun he found under Granny Spears's couch? Some of Kevin's bling? more »
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November 07, 2008

Christina Applegate Prepares for New Rack

christina_applegate_split.jpgAs if we didn't worship Christina Applegate enough before, she had to go and be all brave and frank about her cancer battle and now, in our minds, she's elevated beyond superhero level to demigoddess or some other type of immortal being. Celebitchy reports that Christina is about to have reconstructive breast surgery:
“I still have quite a process until this is done,” the actress says. “Yes, it’s hard. It sucks. But I’m not a victim.”

She will undergo reconstructive surgery near her 37th birthday, at the end of November. She had a double mastectomy in July.
Surgery sucks but picking out your new boobs must rule. You can get any size or shape you'd want. Personally, we'd go for medium ones with built-in pockets on the sides. You know, for snacks. more »
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November 03, 2008

Crack or Treat

amy_winehouse_OK.jpgOn Halloween night, one of the most feared and hairy ghouls was released into the black night. Not the Wolfman, the Winehouse! Amy Winehouse spent a few days in a London clinic recovering from another chest infection. And when she was discharged on Oct. 31, she emerged wearing one of the most incredible costumes we've ever seen. Heidi Klum be damned--Amy Winehouse as Amy Winehouse 2006 wins for the most jawdropping costume of the spooky season.
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September 22, 2008

The Tattoo Guy from Blink-182 and the DJ Will Be OK

barker_dj_am_crash.jpgWe hate it when celebrities get hurt or sick or killed. We're not compassionate; we just feel uncomfortable leaving our cozy cocoon of sarcasm and hate. So it is with great squirminess and unease that we have to update you on Saturday's plane crash that killed four people and severely injured DJ AM and Travis Barker. According to US Weekly, the pair are doing well and expected to recover nicely:
Travis Barker and DJ AM suffered second and third degree burns from Friday’s jet crash that killed four people, Dr. Fred Mullins, Medical Director at Georgia’s Joseph Still Burn Center, announced at a press conference Sunday morning.

Barker has burns on his torso and lower body and Goldstein has burns on his arm and part of his head, Mullins said. (Mullins would not say the percentage of their bodies that were burned or whether they were conscious. He also did not go into detail about the type of treatment they are currently receiving.)

He said the two did not sustain any other injuries from the crash.

“I think these patients are going to make a full recovery,” Mullins said. “Anybody who can survive a plane crash is very lucky.”

During the conference, Mullins also read a statement from the families: “The families wish to thank fans from all over the world for their prayers and concern. Deepest sympathy is expressed to the loved ones of those who perished in the crash. As the two recuperate and mourn this loss, privacy for them, their families and friends is requested at this time.”
Life is truly unfair. Like it wasn't bad enough that Barker and AM once had to dip their dongs into Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie (respectively)! And now this.
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September 18, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Keeping Up with Her Ass-ian

kim_kardashian_butt_latex.jpg • Your daily dose of Kim Kardashian's rotund rumpus delecti. (F-listed)

Nicole Richie allegedly kicks Joel Madden to the curb. Joel responds by kicking it to Mischa Barton. (Yeeeah!)

Elle MacPherson named the greatest model of all time. Janice Dickinson is somewhere guzzling Drano right now. (Daily Stab)

Hilary Swank was hospitalized to remove a "small benign growth". Her penis, right? (Celebitchy)

Ryan O'Neal and his son Redmond bond. By getting busted for meth together. This makes Tatum's bust look kind of classy.(Derek Hail)

Joe Francis opens his douche-hole to say he thinks Lohan is straight and just going through a phase. Who wouldn't give up men after screwing Joe Francis? (CelebWarship)

• 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has a boyfriend. He's 20. And an underwear model. This should be good. (Hollywood Grind)

• Do you have the balls to . . . name that celebrity cameltoe? (Cityrag)

• Shauna Sand wears a see-through dress to match her see-through shoes. (Drunken Stepfather)

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August 25, 2008

Kim Kardashian Faw Down Go Boom

kim_k_beams.jpg Kim Kardashian has a huge gash. A huge, gaping, wet gash. Oozing fluid. Spread. It's in her foot! Report our friends at TMZ:
The new season of "Dancing With the Stars" may have already lost its first competitor -- and they haven't even announced the official cast yet.

Kim Kardashian -- who is scheduled to be on the show this season -- badly cut her foot in her hotel room late Sunday night. We're told she sliced her foot open on a glass coffee table and was rushed to New York Presbyterian Hospital. No word on how many stitches she needed, but a source tells TMZ there was "so much blood, it looked like a murder scene."

"DWTS" makes its official cast announcement this morning and Kim is in town to do press for that and her new movie, "Disaster Movie." We're told Kim already has begun to practice for the show, but it's unclear now whether she'll be able to participate.
Whew, at least her ass is still intact and healthy. But who conveniently cuts their foot on a glass coffee table right before their big debut on a nationally televised dancing show? Something's fishy here. We're willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that if you do a search of Kim's hotel room, you'll find Jeff Gillooly hiding under the busted coffee table, tire iron in hand. Or perhaps Bryan Adams.
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August 19, 2008

Christina Applegate Goes All Mortal Kombat on Cancer

christina_applegate.jpg Christina Applegate is cancer-free! Yaaaay! Christina Applegate is also boob-free. Yaaa--wait, that isn't cool. People says:
Christina Applegate, who was diagnosed with an early form of breast cancer this month, revealed on ABC's Good Morning America Tuesday that she has undergone a double mastectomy – even though cancer was only detected in one of her breasts.

Privately, she admits, "Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I scream, and I get really angry and I get really into wallowing in self-pity sometimes, and I think it’s all part of healing."

Having watched her mother, Nancy Priddy, battle breast cancer – and then suffer from a recurrence many years later – the Emmy-nominated star of Samantha Who?, 36, told interviewer Robin Roberts that she wasn’t taking any chances, especially since she has the breast cancer gene, BRCA1.

“My decision, after looking at all the treatment plans that were possibilities for me, the only one that seemed the most logical and the one that was going to work for me was to have a bilateral mastectomy,” said Applegate. “So basically I had a prophylactic double mastectomies.”

Explaining her rationale in taking that dramatic step, she said, “I didn’t want to go back to the doctors every four months for testing and squishing and everything. I just wanted to kind of be rid of this whole thing for me. This was the choice that I made, and it was a tough one.”

The surgery took place three weeks ago. She did not undergo radiation or chemotherapy. Asked her prognosis, Applegate told Roberts, also a cancer survivor, “I’m clear. Absolutely 100-percent clear and clean.”

Over the next eight months she will undergo reconstructive surgery. I’m gonna have cute boobs till I’m 90,” she quipped, as Roberts pointed out how Applegate’s sense of humor has helped the actress endure the ordeal.
This is historically the part of the entry in which we make a nasty yet clever jab at the celebrity about whom we are reporting. Breast cancer isn't really a treasure trove of yuks though. So here's a joke. Did you hear about the cow that won the Nobel Prize? He was out standing in his field. more »
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August 04, 2008

Hey Cancer, You Suck

christina_applegate_nipples.jpegWhen people get cancer, it's sad. When famous hot ladies get cancer in their titty parts, it's even sadder. Why, God, why? Lovely and charming actress Christina Applegate is unfortunately afflicted with breast cancer, but she'll be fine. Her rep issued this statement:
"Benefitting from early detection through a doctor-ordered MRI, the cancer is not life threatening. Christina is following the recommended treatment of her doctors and will have a full recovery."
Warm wishes to our beloved Ms. Applegate for a speedy recovery. But we still raise an anguished fist to the heavens and ask why? Why, of all the body parts of all the people in the world, did this tumor pick Christina's flawless breast? Why couldn't it have chosen Paris Hilton's ass flap? Then she can get it cut off and insurance will pay for it. And we all win. Yaaaayyy! more »
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July 30, 2008

Ryan Seacrest Bitten by a Shark

ryan_seacrest_wears_tights.jpg We hear sharks like meat that is a bit expired, devoid of any substance or nutrition, and a bit salty. And though Heidi Montag would probably take the top spot on a list of celebrities who fit all those descriptions, it was Ryan Seacrest who got nibbled on by a baby Jaws. Still, a solid choice. Reports The San Francisco Chronicle:
"American Idol" host Ryan Seacrest is recovering after a shark bit him this weekend.

The TV personality was swimming in the ocean off California when the baby predator nibbled his foot.

He says, "I was bitten by a shark. ... (There were) a thousand people in the ocean, and I get bit by the shark."

According to the DJ, the tiny shark left a fragment of tooth behind -- it's embedded in his foot, and he has the mark to prove it.
We find it funny that Seacrest said, "(There were) a thousand people in the ocean, and I get bit by the shark." Mostly because every time we look at Ryan Seacrest we think, "There are over six billion people in the world, and he gets to be rich and famous?"
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Someone Slipped Wino a Mickey

amy_winehouse_scab_face.jpgWelcome to AmyWinehouseNewsWire, your A-number-one source for all things Amy Winehouse, every day, all the time. Listen, people, we want to report on the crust-faced wonder even less than you want to read about her, but we can't stop! She just keeps doing stuff! She was taken to the hospital Monday night because, according to her dad Mitch, "she mixed up her medication." We just assumed he meant Flonase and Flintstones, but no, it was something harder. And according to Mitch, not her fault. According to The Sun:
A source said after Rehab star Amy was discharged yesterday: "Mitch is furious. He’s certain someone put E in Amy’s drink — and he’s determined to get to the bottom of it. He is convinced that one of her hangers-on was responsible and he’s waiting for a toxicology report to show what caused her to fit.
Well, Mitch, we're no Flossie Bobbsey, but we're pretty sure we can deduce the dastardly villain who put Amy's life in danger by dosing her with illegal drugs. The vile cur's name? It begins with an "A" and ends with an "inehouse". A trail of vomit-encrusted black weave and a pair of dirty pink ballet slippers led us straight to the perp. That and the handwritten receipt that said, "Twelve (12) rocks crack cocaine, one (1) ounce marijuana, six (6) tablets of ecstasy (to go in my drink and mix with above). Signed, Amy Winehouse."
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July 09, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: The Fox and the Hound Camel

megan_fox_camel_toe.jpgMegan Fox straps her camel toe into some stretch pants for a shopping excursion. (Faded Youth)

• And speaking of Megan Fox, her former(?) fiance Brian Austin Green denies the breakup rumors, says the couple are "solid". Solid as a rock? So nothing's changed it? And what you're saying is that the feeling's still hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hot? (PopCrunch)

• The first look at Jamie Lynn Spears's little baby, Maddie Briann. Maddie's next OK! cover: in thirteen years, when she marries cousin Sean Preston in a romantic toothless ceremony in Louisiana. (Dlisted)

• David Lee Roth choked on some nuts. (TMZ)

Dane Cook is a shitty neighbor, literally. (Celebitchy)

Robert Rodriguez traded his wife in for Rose McGowan, and is now trading Rose McGowan for Kat Dennings. Next up: he trades Kat Dennings for Abigail Breslin. (Defamer)

Jennifer Lopez in a bikini. Post-twins, her abs are still flatter than yours, and her ass is still bigger than the sun. (Flisted)

Lilo and SamRo ride the pink caterpillar at Disneyland. Ohhhh yeaaaaah. (Holy Taco)

• See Jaime Pressly in a bikini and you'll be nothin' but a horn dog. Eh? Yes? No? Bah. (IDLYITW)

• New Paris Hilton TV show in the works. And no, sadly, it's not a Fear Factor type show involving a rocket sending her to the surface of the moon to see how long she can hold her breath. (Hollywire)

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June 24, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Plaid Party Till You Puke

nicole_richie_flannel_barf.jpgMary-Kate Olsen, Nicole Richie and friends enjoy debaucherous party involving tons and tons of . . . plaid flannel? (The Blemish)

Britney Spears sex tape caps? We dunno, dudes. No Bagel Bite residue on anything, so . . . (Yeeeah!)

• Mario Lopez kissed Fergie and lived to tell the tale. (Hollywire)

Heather Locklear just checked herself before she wrecked herself. Naw, she checked herself into a clinic to deal with depression and other psychological issues. (Faded Youth)

Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and bustin' loose! Lock up your crack pipes and your Final Net! (CelebWarship)

Hugh Hefner banged a lot of dames. And his sister-in-law. And a dude. (Celebridiot)

• In case you were wondering, Jennifer Lopez is still a joyless harridan asshole. (D-listed)

Pam Anderson bares her teeth, growls, and emits a fountain of champagne from her tit. (Cityrag)

Anne Hathway's now-ex boyfriend just got popped for posing as the Vatican's financial officer. Ahahaha, whatta cutup! (Daily Stab)

Katherine Heigl ditches the Huggabunch bikini in favor of the Rainbow Brite one. And pairs her UV rays with a few long hard drags off a cigarette. Cancerlicious! (Drunken Stepfather)

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June 23, 2008

Amy Winehouse is Doing Great II

amy_winehouse_emphysema.jpgCoy enchantress Amy Winehouse is still in the hospital, and despite earlier reports that she was suffering from tuberculosis, she now has a different diagnosis. But don't worry; it's still something associated with the old and infirm: emphysema! According to The Daily Mail, Amy's dad Mitch Winehouse said:
"She's covered in nicotine patches. The only thing that can go into her lungs are fresh air . . . She faces a stark choice - either she sticks to it or she won't sing again. The doctors have said that if she had continued the way she was going she could have ended up an invalid - she wouldn't have been able to breathe. With smoking the crack cocaine and the cigarettes her lungs are all gunked up. There are nodules around the chest and dark marks. She's got 70 percent lung capacity."
Hey, that doesn't sound so bad. 70 percent, man, that's a solid C minus.
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June 20, 2008

Amy Winehouse is Doing Great

winehouse_orange_handjpg.jpgHaunting beauty Amy Winehouse is still in the hospital today after fainting at her home earlier this week. Break out the iron lung, and pretend it's WWII, because Wino might have the TB. Reports The Sun:
Stricken Amy Winehouse is coughing up BLOOD and has a raging chest infection, it emerged last night. Doctors are also worried by skeletal Amy’s weight loss and lack of appetite, other symptoms of tuberculosis. The 24-year-old Back to Black star has an irregular heartbeat and has been on a drip while medics try to wean her off hard drugs. Last night a close pal told The Sun: "Amy is in a bad way. Doctors are still struggling to control her heartbeat but the chest condition has been really worrying them. She’d been been suffering horrible coughing fits and hurling up blood for a while but refused to be examined. Doctors now believe it is tuberculosis and are doing more tests to be certain."
What in the name of Christ is wrong with England? They have a team of the finest physicians in the country observing a woman for three days, she's most likely sitting up in bed and taking huge hits off a crack pipe before snorting coke cut with Owens-Corning insulation and they're like, "Tut tut, old girl. Don't have the foggiest what's ailing you." Lots of Americans make disparaging comments about socialized medicine, and now we're thinking that maybe they're onto something here.
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June 17, 2008

Amy Winehouse Is a Delicate Blossom

amy_winehouse_huge_hair.jpgYesterday, Amy Winehouse fainted at her home and was promptly taken to the hospital, where she remains today for observation. We can only imagine that means that she's being held in a glass cage while children eat cotton candy and point and say, "Wot's it doing now? Why is that skinny gorilla scratching itself like that, Mummy?" The BBC reports:
Amy Winehouse remains in hospital in London after fainting at home on Monday afternoon, with tests on the singer so far proving “inconclusive”.

“She seems to be fine in herself, but they are taking their time to be sure,” her spokesman said.

Winehouse had been “doing admin” when she fell ill but “quickly recovered”.

Her manager’s assistant had stopped her falling and Ms Winehouse’s father, Mitch, had taken her to hospital “as a precaution”, the spokesman added. After receiving treatment, she stayed at the London Clinic for observation.
It's great that she can smoke 18 crack rocks and down a bottle of Valium with a quart of Sambuca and then shoot drain opener into her veins and people will let her sleep it off and then film it, but she faints once and it's off to the ICU. We're not doctors or anything, but we're willing to bet that the mass of her beehive finally outweighed that of her body and she just wasn't able to remain upright.
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June 10, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: CBT

on-the-doll-balls-1.jpgBrittany Snow not naked, but well-versed in cock and ball torture in On the Doll! (Fatback)

• In case you were wondering if Pam Anderson's nipples were still inching their way towards her armpits, the answer is a resounding yes! (Taxi Driver)

• Abigail Clancy: dumpy name, glamorous naked boobs in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Despite her assertions to the contrary, Jessica Alba is most definitely shopping around pics of her baby. (Cityrag)

• Awwww. Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson, happy and hugging. Not as exciting as groaning and fingerblasting, but we make do with what we're given. (Yeeeah!)

Sienna Miller enjoys sleeping with . . . . . . . . . . . Heath Ledger's pajamas. (CelebWarship)

Heather Locklear throws some gang signs. Yo yo yo, northeast siiiiiide, Bev Hills, dis ya girl Heathuh! Brentwoooooood! Respect! (The Blemish)

• Paul Newman has lung cancer. Noooooooooooooooooooooooo. (Hollywire)

Elizabeth Hurley continues to dress her son like he's Little Lord Fauntleroy. (Allie Is Wired)

• Does Christina Aguilera have her eye on another, nonsimian man? (Hollyscoop)

• Firecrotch-spouter Brandon Davis has gone from Fat Elvis to slightly less fat Elvis. (Faded Youth)

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June 03, 2008

CNW Hollywood Heathwatch Update

tatum-o-neal-arrested.jpgThey say bad things happen in threes, so Hollywood is heartily screwed today. In the last 48 hours, a great plague has befallen some of the best and brightest that the entertainment industry has to offer. A quick wrap-up:

Kelsey Grammer had a mild heart attack, but he's OK. One of his siblings was murdered and his twin half brothers died in a scuba diving mishap, so a heart attack for this dude is pretty much akin to having the hiccups.

• Fashion designer Yves Saint Laurent died at the age of 71. But his blonde fingerwaves and kicky ascots will forever live on as long as Austin Scarlett is on this planet!

• Twice-baked po-Tatum O'Neal on her crack bust: "My dog died! I was sad!". Well then. Prepare to head down to 87th and buy a few baggies of rock because . . .

• Bo Diddley done doodley dieddley.
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May 30, 2008

Steven Tyler Can't Walk This Way Very Well

steven_tyler_nut_smugglers.jpgTrendwatch: rehab is still hot, so long as you're not there for substance abuse. Hot on the heels of Eva Mendes checking in for role research and Kirsten Dunst going away for depression, we finally get wind of the reasons Steven Tyler headed to 'hab. From TMZ (again):
Rocker Steven Tyler just issued a statement to TMZ about his recent stint in rehab. He claims his "trademark athletic performances" injured his feet, requiring surgery and causing him a bunch of pain. Guess it was hard on the knees!

Tyler tells TMZ "The doctors told me the pain in my feet could be corrected but it would require a few surgeries over time. The 'foot repair' pain was intense, greater than I'd anticipated. The months of rehabilitative care and the painful strain of physical therapy were traumatic. I really needed a safe environment to recuperate where I could shut off my phone and get back on my feet. Make no mistake, AEROSMITH has no plans to stop rocking. There's a new album to record, then another tour."
A dude notorious for drug ingestion checking into rehab for a hurty foot. Dunno, dudes. We're not buying it. Now scarf burn, on the other hand . . . that would be a different story.

None of today's stories were particularly sexy (except for the Clay Aiken one, which was positively erotic) so here's Adriana Lima in Elle mag.

adriana_lima_topless_elle_1.jpg adriana_lima_topless_elle_2.jpg adriana_lima_topless_elle_3.jpg adriana_lima_topless_elle_4.jpg
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April 18, 2008

Jessica Simpson Pulls a Circa 2005 Lohan

jessica_simpson_wino.jpgRemember two weeks ago? When Jessica Simpson was hospitalized for having a busted pisser? According to Star, Jess's wee-wee woes were the result of three weeks of hardcore binge drinking. Woo! Quotes our beloved Yeeeah!:
After hooking up with Tony [Romo] in November, insiders say her partying and drinking are out of control. Jessica’s health problems were “brought on by drinking an obscene amount of alcohol…. She was treated for a kidney infection, a bladder infection and a urinary tract infection.”

Adding to her distress, Jessica asked doctors to give her a pregnancy test. “She was a nervous wreck,” says the insider. “She was three weeks late and convinced she was pregnant.”
Wait, wait, wait, Hold up. Hold the damn phone. Alcohol prevents infection. That's why rubbing alcohol is included in first aid kits. And why we always chase the clap away with a fifth of MD 20/20. Furthermore, please note the timeline mapped out in the above quotes. She binge drank for three weeks. And her period was three weeks late. She was just practicing a little preventative birth control, people! Nothing takes care of a pesky unwanted pregnancy like bottle after bottle of Wild Turkey. Or, for added protection, douching with Dr. Pepper mixed with Pop Rocks. It's called Spears Family Planning, folks. Look it up. more »
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April 01, 2008

Jessica Simpson Is Full of Piss; Vinegar Levels Unknown

jessica simpson is outraged.jpg Remember when Jessica Simpson was a star? When she was married to that guy and they, like . . . did stuff? We think they were on TV for something or other. Maybe it was just Access Hollywood, though. Our memory is so hazy these days. And maybe they had a band or something? But, again, maybe they were just really into karaoke. Oh, wait, we know. It was because she was really dumb. She thought that chickens lived in the ocean or something, right? Is that why she's famous? It's so hard to come up with a reason these days. But whatever, we almost lost this shining star of the famous-for-something-or-other world! Because her pee pee was all backed up. In Touch reports:
Jessica Simpson was sent home from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles after being treated for a kidney infection. In Touch was first to break the news that the star went to the hospital on Friday, after not feeling well. "She was hospitalized for a kidney infection, but she has been released and is doing fine,” her rep tells In Touch. “She checked in on Friday morning because she was feeling achy and had a fever,” a friend of the family says. “She is so happy she is out and feeling great.”
Wow. That sure was a close call. We're lucky Jess wasn't afflicted with something more serious, like exhaustion or infectious Dane Cook cootie disease. The world just wouldn't be the same without her enormous talent cleavage. more »
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March 18, 2008

CNW: "I Said Impeti-Go, Go"

winehouse_scabs.jpg• Hey, Amy. Maybe you should extend that liner to cover your entire face. (Flisted)

Eva Mendes gets a job shilling Calvin Klein drawers! Just like Marky Mark, only with more substance abuse and less wiggerliness. Same size boobs, though. (Yeeeah!)

• Clip of Brit's appearance on How I Met Your Mother. Talking about shopping with Doogie Howser? Ooooh, that's fabulous, girlfriend! (The Superficial)

Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton fighting again. Fighting over Maddens. That's kind of like arguing about which Nelson brother is cooler (the answer is Gunner, obviously). (Celebitchy)

Eva Longoria's wedding tattoo disappeared. Maybe she used WRECKING BALM! (Daily Stab)

• Eliot Spitzer enjoyed Charlie Sheen's sloppy seconds. Surprisingly, we're not talking about Denise Richards. (Bitten and Bound)

Jennifer Aniston is a dutiful flosser; probably has no plaque buildup in her ass crack. (The Blemish)

Punky Brewster has another daughter and names her JAGGER. We can't wait to have babies named Staley and Weiland and Stapp. (CelebWarship)

Pamela Anderson's famished vagina snacks on spangled panties. (Drunken Stepfather)

Nicole Kidman's bodyguard goes ape crazy on a paparazzo. (Holy Taco)

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March 14, 2008

Steve-O Arrested, In Hospital, Crazytalkin'

steve-o_pants.jpgJackass's loveable star, Steve-O, is allegedly being held on suicide watch at Cedars-Sinai hospital, a la Britney, following his arrest earlier this month on a felony charge of cocaine possession. A Socialite's Life says:
Star magazine is reporting that he suffers from an "untreatable bipolar disorder," with asource saying that Steve is "very manic" at this point in time and that, "He was also treated for burns on his skin as if he had been putting cigarettes out on his own body." Over the weekend, Steve e-mailed suicide notes to a number of friends, prompting a friend of his and his bodyguard to take him to the emergency room.

According to an insider at the hospital, "Steve started flipping out. He told doctors he wanted to hurt himself badly. He wanted to break every bone in his body one by one."
In related news, the following video was uploaded to Steve-O's YouTube account today:



We're not super into mocking people who are obviously mentally unstable and/or whacked out on funny powder. However, may we suggest Cristy as the perfect mate for Steve-O? They can go on a date and talk about the fourth dimension and number theory.


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March 11, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Weird and Scary

ashley-olsen-squat.jpgAshley Olsen thinks paparazzi are "weird and scary". Also, paparazzi thinks Ashley Olsen is "weird and scary". (Female First)

Kate Beckinsale does Anna Karina for Mean magazine. Eat your tits out, Lohan-as-Marilyn! (Popbytes)

Kate Moss models. She doesn't model clothes, though, since it seems she's not wearing any. (Egotastic!)

Mischa Barton's recent DUI charges haven't affected the buoyant spirits of her side boob much. (Taxi Driver)

Star Jones is set to divorce husband Al Reynolds, because she "felt Al had spent their marriage riding her success while she did all the heavy lifting". Either that, or Al spent their marriage riding hot, oiled-up dudes who look like they do a lot of heavy lifting. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Some yahoo called 911 on Heather Locklear and told them she was going to kill herself. Denise Richards, you prankster. (CelebWarship)

• Heath Ledger never updated his will to include Michelle Williams or baby Matilda. (Celebridiot)

• Button, button, who's got the button? Patricia Heaton sure doesn't. WTF? (Drunken Stepfather)

Jenna Jameson dresses up as Bettie Page for PETA. "I'd rather get donkey-punched after ATM than wear fur!" makes for a pleasant catchphrase. (The Blemish)

Janet Jackson has been hospitalized with the flu. Much more plausible than "Exhaustion", to be sure. (