CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.
The Hollywood poop.
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November 05, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Victoria's Secret: Pores Exist
• Marisa Miller and other Victoria's Secret models at an underwear fitting. Look ma, no airbrushing. (The Blemish)• Angelina Jolie says she's "still just a punk kid with tattoos". She went on to say, "Seriously, I saw Youth of Today four times and I own the Infest Slave LP on colored vinyl." (Fatback)
• Adriana Lima's juggtacular bra commercials! (Cityrag)
• Star says Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with twins. We say Star is pregnant with twin turds; i.e. full of shit. (Celebitchy)
• Britney Spears is on the cover of Cosmo. So you can ogle her weave while reading about the 10 tantric orgasm tips that will drive his nads wild. (Bitten and Bound)
• AnnaLynne McCord has 4 capital letters in her name. She also has a lesbian kiss. See video! (Drunken Stepfather)
• LIndsay Lohan gets dumped in favor of Denise Richards. Ow, that's gotta smart. (Yeeeah!)
• Amy Wino's rodent-like spouse has been released from prison. It's going to be a very cracky Christmas. (Hollywood Gossip)
• Heidi Klum takes those old records off the shelf. And those shirts off her shelf. (Seriously OMG WTF)
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September 11, 2008
Jessica Alba Sez: Vote for Bondage!
Supposedly this ad of Jessica Alba wrapped in tape is shocking, although we're not too sure why, because every seven-year-old has done the same thing with a roll of duct tape and learned a very valuable lesson about how much that f'ing hurts. But she's in bondage, which is sort of hot, sure, but not shocking, unless you're seventeen. "Ohmigod, not voting is so like the same as being tied up and not allowed your freedom and being restrained from doing fun things like shopping and getting mani pedis. I am so going to vote! When do I do that? Is it this weekend, because my boyfriend is playing in a really, really important soccer match and I totally have to be there cause he'll be really sad if I'm not there cheering for him and it will probably make his team lose. So I hope voting doesn't happen this weekend, cause I won't be able to make it. Can we reschedule?" Also, if we're supposed to equate not voting with being stripped of our voice and our freedom, is this ad also gently coaxing us to vote for former POW McCain? Makes you think, doesn't it? more »
August 21, 2008
Jessica Simpson Invites You To Get Fortified While Getting Wasted
The tee shirts of dozens of college students are correct today, for now beer is truly not just a breakfast drink anymore. It's healthy! Chock full of vitamins and minerals for healthy growing bodies. Well, it is if you drink Stampede, the intoxicating new fortified light malt beverage. Jessica Simpson has been named the official spokeswoman for the product, and says (according to the ad):
"I work out and take care of myself. But I also like a cold beer once in a while. That's why I made the smart choice with a smart beer. Stampede Light, it's beer plus."We can't help being reminded of the John Belushi's Little Chocolate Donuts sketch of yore. But then again, looking at the ad, we're pleased that advertising executives finally laid to rest the classic juggy beer commercial babe of yore in favor of a refreshing, real approach to shilling beer: a completely tits-up wasted girl sitting in the back of a pickup truck, her eyes glazed over and lips parted to indicate the coming of a fountain of vomit. more »
August 11, 2008
Jenna Jameson Prefers Boobs Over Puppies and Kittens
Whoa, PETA really knows how to get a message across. Finally! Finally, we get to see Jenna Jameson naked! You know, we were planning on keeping our gerbil's nuts intact but after seeing one sixth of a porn star's right breast we're totally changing our minds. Thanks, PETA!
more »
July 17, 2008
Hayden Panettiere Sings Song; Wears Shoes
Three apples high actress Hayden Panettiere is following in the footsteps of Jenny McCarthy today and posing for a series of ads for Candie's--the shoes that complement Charlie! perfume and your "I Can't Believe I Ate the WHOLE Thing" tee. Unlike Jenny, Hayden didn't pose on the crapper, though Candies does continue its trend of having cute blondes do unattractive stuff in hope that it will impel you to buy their shoes. In addition to the "teen pregnancy" (it's hot!) shot at top left, Hayden's also doing the Jessica Simpson fly-catching pose, but fear not--there's also "mounting a mic stand" and "j/o with a microphone" to balance it all out.Furthermore, Hayden did a cover of Paris Hilton's classic "Stars are Blind" and shot a video for it. So it's not a cover, sure, but it sounds just like it. The best part of the video is when Hayden puts on a blunt black wig and morphs into Tina Yothers!
March 19, 2008
Jenna Jameson Fingers Charlize . . . As Her Sex Heir
In addition to keeping herself busy with various and sundry plastical surgery procedures, Jenna Jameson has been enjoying her run as a spokesperson for PETA. So much that she's conceiving ideas for other possible advertisements and PSAs. Jenna says,
"It would be amazing if Charlize Theron did one of our 'Go naked' campaigns. I saw her just the other day and she just blew me away. Charlize is so sexy - I would totally love for her to go naked. I'd die for that. Bettie Page was the ultimate sex icon. Then next came Marilyn Monroe, then Pamela Anderson, then me. Now I'm on the lookout for the next woman to pass my title onto. Charlize would be perfect."Ah, yes. The storied Passing of the Sex Icon Torch ceremony. Only it's not much of a literal torch. It's more of a flaming dildo. Flaming with the clap. Ow, that burns! more »
March 18, 2008
CNW: "I Said Impeti-Go, Go"
• Hey, Amy. Maybe you should extend that liner to cover your entire face. (Flisted)• Eva Mendes gets a job shilling Calvin Klein drawers! Just like Marky Mark, only with more substance abuse and less wiggerliness. Same size boobs, though. (Yeeeah!)
• Clip of Brit's appearance on How I Met Your Mother. Talking about shopping with Doogie Howser? Ooooh, that's fabulous, girlfriend! (The Superficial)
• Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton fighting again. Fighting over Maddens. That's kind of like arguing about which Nelson brother is cooler (the answer is Gunner, obviously). (Celebitchy)
• Eva Longoria's wedding tattoo disappeared. Maybe she used WRECKING BALM! (Daily Stab)
• Eliot Spitzer enjoyed Charlie Sheen's sloppy seconds. Surprisingly, we're not talking about Denise Richards. (Bitten and Bound)
• Jennifer Aniston is a dutiful flosser; probably has no plaque buildup in her ass crack. (The Blemish)
• Punky Brewster has another daughter and names her JAGGER. We can't wait to have babies named Staley and Weiland and Stapp. (CelebWarship)
• Pamela Anderson's famished vagina snacks on spangled panties. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Nicole Kidman's bodyguard goes ape crazy on a paparazzo. (Holy Taco)
March 11, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Weird and Scary
• Ashley Olsen thinks paparazzi are "weird and scary". Also, paparazzi thinks Ashley Olsen is "weird and scary". (Female First)• Kate Beckinsale does Anna Karina for Mean magazine. Eat your tits out, Lohan-as-Marilyn! (Popbytes)
• Kate Moss models. She doesn't model clothes, though, since it seems she's not wearing any. (Egotastic!)
• Mischa Barton's recent DUI charges haven't affected the buoyant spirits of her side boob much. (Taxi Driver)
• Star Jones is set to divorce husband Al Reynolds, because she "felt Al had spent their marriage riding her success while she did all the heavy lifting". Either that, or Al spent their marriage riding hot, oiled-up dudes who look like they do a lot of heavy lifting. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Some yahoo called 911 on Heather Locklear and told them she was going to kill herself. Denise Richards, you prankster. (CelebWarship)
• Heath Ledger never updated his will to include Michelle Williams or baby Matilda. (Celebridiot)
• Button, button, who's got the button? Patricia Heaton sure doesn't. WTF? (Drunken Stepfather)
• Jenna Jameson dresses up as Bettie Page for PETA. "I'd rather get donkey-punched after ATM than wear fur!" makes for a pleasant catchphrase. (The Blemish)
• Janet Jackson has been hospitalized with the flu. Much more plausible than "Exhaustion", to be sure. (I'm Not Obsessed)
• Rebecca Romijn's lettuce heads. They're ripe, they're healthy, they're shilling for mall-slut store Bebe! (Popoholic)
February 06, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: The P Word
• Paris Hilton enjoys fishing. And fish enjoy the familiar, down-home smell of Paris Hilton's bacterial vaginosis. OK, that was pretty gross. Sorry, Paris. (FemaleFirst)• And speaking of Paris's vagina, she will be rubbing hers up against the lesbian thespians of The L Word. (The Superficial)
• The results are in: Heath Ledger's death was caused by "accidental overdose" of SIX different types of prescription drugs. (TMZ)
• Godspeed to you, Patrick Swayze! May your gut convalesce so that you may arabesque again. (IMDb)
• Cammy Diaz gots some pegs, boy, I tells ya. (Cityrag)
• Larry Birkhead take$ Dannilynn to vi$it her mother'$ grave$ite. (Celebitchy)
• Bike shorts and what appears to be a Lamborghini Countache: no, it's not 1987; it's the new Bebe ads featuring Eva Longoria! (PopCrunch)
• Bar Rafaeli: professional wearer of lingerie, schtupper of DiCaprio, sporter of labia-splitting bikini camel toe. (Derek Hail)
• J. Lo is definitely having twins. And we are definitely having another cruller. Yum, jelly. (Evil Beet)
• Kim Kardashian sued by ex-boyfriend's mom. Oh, what a tangled web. (The Blemish)
• Rihanna launches her own umbrella line. What if her hit song had been called "Colostomy Bag"? Guess you can't really stand under one of those, though. Or can you? (Daily Stab)
January 21, 2008
Sarah Michelle Gellar Lubes Up
What with major stars like Jessica Simpson and Puffy Dingle Doo Dah Diddles shilling for zit cream, no product is too embarrassing to lend a celebrity face to these days. The latest item to use famous folks in ads? Vaseline. Says Nudography:
Sarah Michelle Gellar is the new face for Vaseline.Outstanding! Vaseline and the milk industry should merge their ads, and have stars appearing naked, a dripping, thick, creamy white froth coating their lips, oily petroleum jelly lubricating all bodily apertures. Man, will that sell a lot of milk and Vaseline or what? You know what an image like that would say to the public, right? Yeah, you know. Heh heh. Wink wink wink! Nudge nudge! Are we right or are we right, people? An image like that, man. It'd say, "I don't have diaper rash and I am decreasing my chances of developing osteoporosis later in life." Awwwww yeeeeah. Mee-yow.
The "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" actress takes her clothes off for the new Vaseline ad and Vaseline.com has a guessing game for the so-called "mystery celebrity".
In hand promoting her new petroleum jelly gig for Vaseline, Sarah is described with the clues, "She starred opposite an Angel. This celebrity lives a full life that puts her skin to the test. Her career began when she was just five years old and over the years she's become a superstar of the small and big screen."
January 15, 2008
Paris Is Too Sexy for Her Warm-Up Vest
While trying in vain to find a Sexy Lady Story to lead off your Tuesday, we came across these new pictures of skew-eyed ninny Paris Hilton shilling for sportswear. A sort of bikini is involved, which makes this lead story-worthy, especially on an otherwise dry day, nipple slip-wise, though the entire shoot appeals more to our funny bone then our bone bone. The graphic print, puckered halter top. The almost bike shorts. The oversized gold-tone jewelry and the kicky athletic vest. It's like we've taken a time machine to the back cover of YM circa 1991. If it weren't for that little FILA tag, we'd be sure Paris was donning Body Glove gear Vernon Reid style. Maybe the guy is wearing a Salty Dog shirt under his warm-up jacket. All that's missing: two-color fold-over Converse and an oversized Fido Dido sweatshirt.
January 09, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Ambrosio of the Gods
• Model Alessanda Ambrosio is out Victoria's Secret undies. Yayyy! And into a bikini. Boooo. No, wait. Yay. (Egotastic!)• "I'm Fat Shady, yes I'm the Fat Shady, all you other Fat Shadys are just imatatin'." (Cityrag)
• We can't improve on this original headline: 1 Hayden, 2 Cups. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Penelope Cruz and very attractive sister wear clothes, look pretty, have picture taken. (Daily Stab)
• Due to the writers' strike, the Golden Globes will be much less golden; globular. (Yeeeah!)
• Blake Lively's schnozz: from Sevigny to sliced. (Radar Online)
• Mariah Carey actually would rather be onstage with J. Lo than a pig after all. Good to know. (Celebitchy)
• Britney's car was impounded. There was no way for her to avoid bein' grounded. Her parents had to come up from vacation and get me, I'd rather be in jail than to have my father hit me. So tell you all the kids all across the land, there's no need to argue, parents just don't understand. Dee doo doo doo. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Bono completes the final phase of his slow transformation into Robin Williams. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Not even MC Skat Kat can save Paula Abdul from crazy's grasp now. (The Blemish)
• Britney dresses her offspring as golf caddies. Or, possibly, Andre 3000. (Allie Is Wired)
December 07, 2007
Eva Mendes Ponies Up Seat-a for PETA
Apparently, Eva Mendes would rather go naked than wear fur. We wonder if Eva is aware that there are more than just two options. One can go naked, or one could wear fur, OR one could don a Rowdy Roddy Piper costume, or a Hazmat suit, or a Gordon Gartrell shirt, or an adult diaper gravid with stools. The possibilities are endless, yet PETA constantly makes it out like it's a battle between fur and flesh, with flesh emerging the victor, triumphantly holding a fist aloft, wobbling yammos conquering all. A diabolical scheme, to be sure. After the cut, the full ad. more »
November 26, 2007
Heidi Klum Has Great Knockers
You know, just this morning we were thinking, "How are Heidi Klum's boobs? We haven't looked at them in a while, and we just can't remember if she has great knockers or not." Lucky for us Heidi never stops thinking about her boobs and wants everyone to know that her jugs are juicy. Juicy and jiggly and full of ammo. And really, what better way to entice people to watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show than by having bra-clad Heidi Klum play with her palookas? We can't think of one, unless it involves ditching the bra, which would be a bit counter-productive for an underwear store.November 07, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Matt n' Mandy, Sittin' in a Tree
• Is our sweet angel Mandy Moore getting Binged? Oh Christ, NO! (Yeeeah!)• Our favorite opiate connoisseur, Porky Petey Dough-erty, has returned to form. Now with video! (Drunken Stepfather)
• And Pete's ex, Kate Moss, sports some really sharp needles of her own. (Taxi Driver)
• Jerry O'Connell has hot wife; poor self-esteem. (The Blemish)
• Famous nipples met flash, and a beautiful friendship was borned unto us. (Cityrag)
• Leelee Sobieski is packin' mad mammage. (Daily Stab)
• Jessica Simpson navigates metal grate in stilettos. Hilarity ensues. (Egotastic!)
• Eva Mendes shills for Campari. Up next, CelebNewsWire promotes Alize and Blue Nun! (Derek Hail)
• Rihanna and Josh Hartnett are doin' it: their babies will be large of forehead and beady of eye. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Which is causing poor Shia the Beef to marinate himself in a nice vodka rub. (PopCrunch)
• Rebecca De Mornay? No, Rebecca Dui Mornay. (TMZ)
September 05, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Floatation Devices
• Pam Anderson as you've never seen her before: half naked and covered in frothy white liquid. No, wait, you've seen her like that plenty of times. (Hollywood Tuna)• Gwen Stefani is all "I call a foul! Hand-checking!" and then blows her whistle. (Yeeeah!)
• Maggie Gyllenhaal is part Stevie Nicks, part Vampira, part Norma Desmond in the new ads for Agent Provocateur. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Nicole Kidman cops to miscarriage and secret engagement. She should also cop to having red pubes. Admit it! Tell us the truth! (Allie Is Wired)
• Jude Law was arrested for assaulting a photographer. Oh, come on. Jude Law? He probably just gave the man a feeble, limp-wristed slap and then adjusted his foppish ascot. (The Blemish)
• Matt Dillon keeps unibrow; shaves down nose. (Cityrag)
• What's that up Paris Hilton's skirt? Is it a prize? Do we win a prize? Is it bigger than a breadbox? (Drunken Stepfather)
• And Maria Sharapova is like, "Upskirt? I'll show YOU upskirt. Fools." (Taxi Driver)
• Spiderman takes a bride. (Celebitchy)
• Jerry Lewis talks about a bundle of sticks. That's what he's talking about, right? (GlossLip)
• Hate your ears? Then check out these new Britney Spears "songs"! (Derek Hail)
• Drew Barrymore makes out with the Macintosh Man. Man, that's like Cameron Diaz necking with a Geico caveman. Or Penelope Cruz hitting the sheets with the "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell" guy. (Yes, we realize that Justin Long has done other crap besides these commercials, so cool out, man) (ONTD)
August 23, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Duff Muff?
• Bridget Moynahan gave birth to a giant football yesterday. (Celebitchy)• Anna Faris makes with the cheek-smugglers. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Jessica Biel is happy to share her chest chasm with you in FHM. (Egotastic!)
• Attractive drip Adrian Grenier throws genital caution to the wind and hangs out with Paris Hilton. (The Blemish)
• Christina Aguilera's baby will not go hungry. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Sweden makes the call: Bill Murray is one beer over par! (IDLYITW)
• Mariah Carey obscures breasts with lace grandma curtain; cirrus clouds. (Cityrag)
• Lindy Loho thinks that rehab is serious business. You can tell by her no-nonsense hair bun and utilitarian mom-chic hoodie. (Yeeeah!)
• The main peril of being a housecat is accidentally drinking antifreeze. Unless you're Pete Doherty's cat, then the biggest problem is a couple of bumps of coke sprinkled atop your Meow Mix. (A Socialite's Life)
• Hilary Duff: womanly folds or crotch seam? (Taxi Driver)
• Hayden Panettiere: now old enough for lactose bukkake! (Celeb Warship)
• Jennifer Love Hewitt cries when she watches herself act. That's so funny, because we also wail uncontrollably when we have to watch her act. (Daily Stab)
• Kurt Russell sports flaccid ding dongage and a solid B-cup. (Allie Is Wired)
August 16, 2007
Keira "Tits" Knightley Says: Those Aren't Mine
You know how when you imagine a celebrity talking and it just doesn't seem accurate if you leave out a key word? Paris Hilton is nothing without "hot", Britney Spears just isn't country enough without "y'all", and Keira Knightley can't get through one damn sentence without saying "tits". When she's at the pub she yells to the barkeep, "Give my tits some bloody ale, bloke." And when she heads off to the loo it's, "My tits gotta take a leak." It's just tits, tits, tits with this one. Maybe she thinks that every time she says the word a little more chestular fat accumulates and eventually she'll actually look like her Photoshopped Chanel ad, of which she said: Those things certainly weren't mine. We had an interesting discussion when they said: 'We want to make them slightly larger and you'll get approval' and I was like: 'OK, fine. I honestly don't give a shit.'We're very happy that Keira likes to keep herself busy and has three movies coming out in the next year, because there's a very good chance that if one of the directors asked her to strip completely naked and masturbate with an assortment of produce on a bed of chicken feathers (you know, because it would help to devekop her character), she'd say, "Why the fuck not? I honestly don't give a shit. Tits."
I don't have any tits, so I can't show cleavage.
August 10, 2007
Do You "Believe" This Is Britney?
Here is an ad for Britney's newest confection, Believe, which smells like Marlboro reds, baby diarrhea, and weave juice. Which is cool, but who's that hot girl in the ad? Har har! According to the press release from Elizabeth Arden:
“We recently shot Britney Spears for the print campaign for her new fragrance Britney Spears Believe, in Santa Monica. It is true that Britney did leave the set; however, she returned after a brief time. Cayli was the wardrobe assistant on the shoot. We used her as a stand in so that we could set up the lighting while Britney was off the set. When Britney returned, we shot the national print ad with her. The only person in the national print ad for Britney's Believe fragrance is Britney Spears.”If by that, they mean "this is a picture of Britney Spears from 1999 that we morphed with another photo of Jamie-Lynn Spears a la the Godley and Creme 'Cry' video" then okay. more »
July 03, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Ambien And Candie's
• Scarlett Johansson dons septum piercing, (fake?) tattoo; dresses like Hot Lips Houlihan. (CityRag)• Hunkosaurus Rex John Stamos blames his recent slurry interview on Ambien. Right now, David Hasselhoff and Paula Abdul are cursing themselves for not thinking of that one first. (Glitterati Gossip)
• Crack-addicted, clammy, rotten-toothed, smack-shooting, overgrown fetus cheats on beautiful multimillionaire supermodel icon. What? (Yeeeah!)
• Thanks to Fergie, product-plugging in songs is about to get even more prevalent. We can't wait for Jay-Z to namecheck Palmettos and for the new Avril Lavigne album, "Heartache and Kraft Singles, Which Are Made with 100% Real Milk". (Allie Is Wired)
• Michelle Rodriguez does public chin-ups, though she probably also does pubic chin-ups. With girls. (Derek Hail)
• The reason we haven't seen totally naked, total-body, high-def pics of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo full-on boning in a hot tub? M-O-N-E-Y. That, and the fact that no one really cares about 'em much. (Celebitchy)
• More Megan Fox. Now, 22% more see-through. (Popoholic)
• Eva Longoria has a serious problem involving an ass crack, hungry for spandex. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
May 03, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Powderpants
• Kate Bosworth takes off her bikini just long enough to slip a bit of nip. (Egotastic!)• John Voight finds his daughter "fascinating" and "attractive". And "stunning". If Papa Joe Simpson ever gets out of the daughter managing/ogling game, he might have a worthy replacement. (GlossLip)
• Sienna Miller slips both nip and panty waistband in the same outfit. Now that's multitasking. Slutty multitasking! (Drunken Stepfather)
• Busta Rhymes got Busta-ed. What a hilarious play on words! (Yeeeah!)
• Vanessa Minnillo shills for Bongo jeans. Bongo's still around? What's next, Jessica Alba for Palmetto and Mischa Barton for Camp Beverly Hills? Anyway, cleavage. (Derek Hail)
• Eva Mendes either showing a swath of upskirt panties, or she has a crotch that is a colorless, shadowless void. But which? (Taxi Driver)
• Kate Moss turns up with white powder on her pants. We dunno, Kate is pretty much a pro at blowing rails--it's hard to believe she'd let some go to waste hanging out on her Tsubis. (The Blemish)
• Scary Spice is taking Norbit to court, cuz she's mad at him, haaaay. (TMZ.com)
• Carmen Electra: in Soviet Russia, booty short and yarn bra wear YOU! (Cityrag)
April 19, 2007
Jessica Alba Sports Plenty of Makeup, Very Little In the Way of Pants
Like two sublime scoops of smoothly-milled instant mashed potatoes on a fifth grader's lunch tray they sit. Perched, quivering, waiting for your firm but tender caress. Velvety. Split down the center by a flirty cleave that beckons from deep within. Tauntingly, they remain swathed in sheerness or fully-clad. They are Jessica Alba's butt cheeks, and we invite you to gaze upon their gently rolling vista. more »
January 19, 2007
Carmen Electra Turns Us All Into Coke Fiends
Continuing the grand tradition of sody pop commercials including "Little Boys Get Boners from Cindy Crawford Drinking Coke" and "Bob Dole Gets Boner from Britney Spears Drinking Pepsi", Carmen Electra dons patent leather stripper shoes and a non-bikini featuring cherries over her chocha while cramming a glass phallic object between her moist, pursed lips for the new Coca-Cola campaign. more »