filed under: Adriana Lima

The novelty of a fleshy South American supermodel frequently seen in her underwear yet untouched by human dongs is about to become a thing of the past--Victoria's Secret star and virgin Adriana Lima is about to have her cherry busted. She and her boyfriend of nine months, a half-McDreamy-half-Keanu hybrid called Marko Jaric, are engaged. People mag reports:

"He asked and she said yes. They are both incredibly happy and couldn't be more in love," says publicist James Weir.

Jaric is a Minnesota Timberwolf, which apparently is some sort of professional basketball player and not an actual Timberwolf. Which is probably a good thing, since virginity loss can sometimes be a bloody occasion and were she to lose her maidenhead to an actual timberwolf, it might devour her.

• Her bump. Her bump her bump her bump. Her lovely baby bump. Check it out. (Yeeeah!)

• Pete Wentz says he one attempted suicide with a bottle of Ativan and some Jeff Buckley. Hell, Pete, if it's uncontrollable vomiting you're after, try listening to your own music. BURN! (Celebitchy)

• Scary celebrity faces. Poor Busey never gets a damn break. (Cityrag)

• Adriana Lima beans! The virgin model gets nude for GQ. (Popoholic)

• Kate Moss and her boyfriend sing and dance on Jim Morrison's grave. Then afterwards they made a slam book and drank a wine cooler and totally stole one of Kate's mom's Virginia Slims and pierced each other's ears with safety pins!!! You guys are sooo busted!!!! (FemaleFirst)

• Eliot Spitzer's paid lady companion, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, once Went Wild. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Is there a Jennifer Aniston tell-all in the works? We are on the cusp of finally, finally learning how she gets that glass-like hair sheen! (PopCrunch)

• Gaze upon the spawn of J. Lo! Admire them! Bow! Bow, minions! (Allie Is Wired)

• Tricia Helfer will be ponying up some Battlestar Galactitties in Playboy next month.

• In the biggest horseshit story of the day, Jen Aniston supposedly partied with the K-Fed. We're trying to picture Jennifer in cornrows and man-shants. Not bad.

• Perhaps the reason Jen is slumming is because she caught wind of Angelina insinuating that she and Brad had boners for each other while the Pittistons were still involved?

• Eternal Sunshine of the Thetanless Alpha Clear? Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm just I'm just Jenny from Teegeeack of the Intergalactic Federation?

• Evel Knievel vs. Kanye West. Sadly, not a sneak peek of a new episode of Celebrity Boxing.

• Paris is defending Britney's questionable parenting skills, saying, "She goes home every night to her babies and partying has not come in the way of her parenting." Seriously, duh! She goes out and shows her slopbox and does body shots and THEN she goes home at 4 A.M. to play with the babies. No biggie!

• Adriana Lima and the Case of the Bikinified Virgin.

• Take your key and unlock Jordan's heart, and her vagina, conveniently located next door to one another.

• Sylvester Stallotox takes the blame for starting that whole Richard Gere-assgerbil rumor. Guess we know who to point the finger at for that whole "Danny Wood semen stomach pump" thing.

• FemaleFirst reports that Nicole Kidman used "the F-word". Oh, but they meant "fiancι!" Awwwww, ha ha ha ha, that was so clever! You really had us going there, FemaleFirst!

• Debra Wilson from Mad TV shows off her comedic chops. And by "comedic chops" we mean "tits".

• Barbra Streisand gets on the guest list at your local Loews.

• Carmen Electra hates herself for lovin' Joan Jett. Can't break free from the things that she . . . doan . . . dett? Eh, we suck.

• Janice Dickinson: genius of our time.

• Elle MacPherson loves to have loads and loads of casual sex. Just not with you. You fat loser.

• Light-filled goddess from heaven Mandy Moore denies cherry-poppage at the hands and wang of Fez. Wouldn't you?

• Is J. Lo preg. o?

• Speaking of cherries, The Virgin Adriana Lima is a punchy little firecracker. We got a little something that would chill her right out. Yeeeeah, that's right. A little somethin' in our pants, if you dig what we're saying. It's a packet of chamomile tea and a fizzy bath bomb in our pocket. They're great for de-stressing!

Wanna see Jessica Alba posing in a men's magazine? Albat you do! Oh ho ho ho ho! Great merciful God in heaven, how did we get to be so incredibly hilarious? CelebNewsWire does it again, people! more »

• A slight look at Kelly Hu's Hu-ters.

• Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest dating? She says she "really enjoys his company". Well, duh. He knows about all the sample sales ahead of time, and he's so fun to enjoy a decadant whipped yogurt (only 140 creamy, dreamy calories!) with, while getting a deep tissue massage!

• OMG! Victoria's Secret is that Adriana Lima is a total virgin!!!

• Whoa, here she comes. Watch out, boy, Lindsay Lohan will chew you up.

• Sorry, ladies! Handsome beef-a-roni hunk Jack Black is officially off the market.

• Sorry again, ladies! Studly demigod Michael Bolton is also officially off the market. Enjoy that, Nicolette Sheridan.

• Jessica Alba is officially sexy, we know, but now Scarlett Johansson has been deemed certifiably pretty. Good to know.

• "Little black book" is just one of the many practical purposes served by Pam Anderson's grotesquely colossal plastic breasts.

• We mourn the demise of the leg man. If you're one of them, you will probably want to look into Paulina Rubio. Damn, that tomato's got some nice pegs.

• Paris Hilton prepares to get back to 1985 after harnessing a bolt of lightning hitting the clock tower.

Are you completely out of touch with the world? Are you still clinging to a stained and torn copy of 1987's JCPenney catalog, the lingerie section of which you have completely devoted to memory? Do you need new meat for your masturbatory fantasies? Ask Men is here for you, Mr. Stuck in the '80s Man, and has helpfully compiled a list of the 99 women you should most want to have sex with. And, no, the 17-year-old girl who works at KFC who kind of looks like your hot cousin isn't on it, you sick freak. more »