Well, it was a monumental weekend, folks.





That's right! You are correct. It WAS, indeed the annual Winter Dreamscape Ball at Tinsley Frank Senior High. It was truly a night to remember, as evidenced by this beautiful portrait of the couple crowned Prince and Princess Snowflake, snapped right before their official dance to "I Still Believe" by Brenda K. Starr!

The transaction is complete. Katie's soul now belongs to the Church of Scientology, and Evil Overlord Suri Cruise is officially the rightful heir to the sinister empire. K-Hole and TomFat married on Saturday, at the beautiful Castello Odescalchi in Bracciano, Italy. Bride, groom, and baby Suri all wore Armani, and as usual, the press referred to the extended Cruise family as "Tom, his daughter Suri, and adopted children Isabella and Connor." It was a Scientological ceremony, which possibly would not have legally been recognized in Italy, but never fear--the couple had a quickie, official justice of the peace dealie in the U.S. before they set sail for Europe. But in all seriousness, how many things are wrong with the above picture?


1. Did they actually travel to Hell and get married in the River Styx?
2. In what universe is Tom Cruise taller than Katie Holmes? She is most definitely slumping, but we also think he's in lifts and she's actually kneeling underneath that gown.
3. Grasp your wench tighter, Tom Cruise! Don't let her run toward safety!
4. This will require zooming in for a closer look:



Wispy bangs? Floofy flouncy silver crap in the dress? Frail, bony shoulder?
5. Her eyes. They read "Help. Help me. I cannot fight any longer. I have no fight left in me. It's all on you, America, to liberate me. I am Ronnie Spector and the tiny man next to me is Phil. Save me." She seemed to be trying to reach out to the world for help in these disturbing photos, taken pre-ceremony. His eyes, on the other hand, are confused. They do not convey the smug satisfaction we would expect from a businessman who has just sealed the proverbial deal. They register confusion, slight concern, and sheer terror. Perhaps he is thinking ahead to the honeymoon, frantically going over the steps that lead to vaginal intercourse (Tom! Crib sheet, dude!). Or maybe that confusing crumply material behind them is asbestos sinking into all of his mucuous membranes, whatever.

Katie Holmes in happier, nakedier days. See her at MrSkin.com.

Or check out Tom at MaleStars.com.