Katie Holmes shelled out $3000 on sexy lingerie for her wedding day and night. Riiight. Sorry, Katie, but owning some hot underthings isn't enough to convince us that Tom has any plans to caress your sensitive bits with anything other than a turkey baster. To make us believers, we'd have to witness actual penis-to-vagina contact, live and in person, from a distance of no more than five feet, with the assurance that David Copperfield and his magical mind-altering capabilities were vacationing in the south of France.

Yes, Tom and Katie are supposed to get married this weekend. Pretty dresses, gorgeous flowers, Scientology-approved contract signings . . . it's bound to be a lovely affair. And Katie's making sure that there's some beef-pole-enticing garments waiting for Tom when he eagerly rips off that Armani dress--you know, cause he has to get it to the dry cleaner before they close. You don't want that red-wine stain to set. MSNBC reports:

Tom Cruise’s bride-to-be went to Le Bra Lingerie in West Hollywood and spent more than $3,000 on lacy underthings, more than $1,000 of which was for a “bridal collection” set.

Among the purchases: a Chantilly lace bridal collection, reports a source. Among the goodies: a bra that cost $440, a $340 thong, a garter belt for $220, and silk stockings that went for $95 — for a total of $1,190.

Additionally, Holmes picked out a silk nightgown with a matching robe trimmed with ostrich feathers that set her back $620, a lace bra with Swarovski crystals for $380 and matching thong with crystals for $175, as well as two sets of silk pajamas and matching robes at $425 each.

“They weren’t all white — and they certainly weren’t virginal,” says the source. “But she’s a mom, so I guess that’s appropriate.”

We thought there was no sadder sight in the world than the look on our niece's face when we stole her mint chocolate chip waffle cone that time we were really hungry, but were we to see Katie Holmes on her wedding night, bedecked in expensive jewel-encrusted lingerie and being talked down from a Toblerone binge by the telephone presence of Victoria Beckham while Tom squeezed in one last auditing session (Sample excerpt: "You love vaginas, Tom. They are soft and warm and give life. And you especially love the vagina of your wife, Katie, as it brought forth future Church overlord Suri. You can't wait to return to your hotel and touch it.), that would truly be heartbreaking.

Also, Katie doesn't want no stinking Oscar. She's already got herself a short, shiny man.

See what's beneath Katie's lingerie at MrSkin.com.

Or groove to Tom at MaleStars.com.